Today I am having a pensive day. Thinking back over the last 33 years and contemplating all that has happened. Especially all that has happened over the last few months.
It’s amazing to me how far it is possible for a person to move in such a short space of time. Just over four months ago, I had a close family that I was really proud to be a part of and felt that I was the one who was letting them down. My cousin, Aunt and Uncle were really important in my life, especially my Aunt as she was my closest link to my mother.
I had a home of my own that I loved and cared for. I was independent and outwardly appeared to be happy and balanced. Inside I was already dying and only awaiting the opportunity for the public me to comply.
Now people know that my life is a mess. I live with my sons and depend on them and my friends to help me through each day. Of course, I no longer feel that I only have one choice and though I still believe I am a burden to those I care about, I more or less accept that situation. Don’t think for one second I am happy about it, but acceptance and happiness are worlds apart.
And I wonder how many others there are out there who feel the way I do. Is there much chance that they will find their way to my blog?
And if they do, will it really help them?
Undoubtedly, this blog has helped me. It has opened my eyes to the fact that I do have friends out there and they do genuinely care about me. They have started me thinking that maybe I would be missed if I was no longer around. Total belief of that fact is still a way off though. But I need to know that putting my most personal thoughts and feelings here for everyone to read is helping someone else. I still cannot get past the need to be there for others.
I wouldn’t say that I feel valueless, but nor would I claim to accept that I matter in any way. Especially not in the grand scheme of things. And of course, I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that I have lost my Aunt and Uncle.
I don’t blame them at all. It has got to be hard to hear someone accusing your own son of being a Child Molester and my revelations must be really hard for them to cope with. He is their son after all and in some ways I would think less of them if they turned on him. But that doesn’t make it easier for me to deal with the loss of my relationship with them.
In fact, it is really hard not to be bitter. Not only did Alex steal my childhood, but now he has stolen my link to my mother. Because it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or believes, this is all his fault. I refuse to accept the responsibility for the repercussions of my actions in revealing the truth. He made a decision 33 years ago and that decision took away a lot of my choices, then and now. It hardly seems fair, but someone very wise once said that life isn’t fair! And boy, can I testify to that!
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