Well, have now been off work for a few weeks and am hoping to go back on Tuesday next week. But the really hard thing is that whilst there is the part of me that is looking forward to returning to the job I love, there is the terror of facing the people with whom I work.
I made a choice after the overdose, to be honest with everyone about what I had done and what I have been going through. I truly expected disbelief, disgust and anger. I did not want sympathy. What I got was friends and colleagues trying to help and support me and that look. It’s not hard to describe the look – it’s all in the eyes – pity! And that tone of voice that shows they actually do care.
Normal people (I use that term very loosely) would be able to accept and understand it, but I hate it. I don’t believe I deserve it. I feel that they are wasting emotions on me. I dread the moment that they realise that I am a dirty, worthless waste of space.
I have been working so hard with trying to deal with the anger that I feel, directed at Alex and his family and don’t have the time or the inclination to work on my self-esteem. Probably because I fear that it will be too hard and I will never achieve any form of belief in myself.
Not to blow my own trumpet, but I have had a number of people lately tell me that they think I am strong and capable and I do know that somehow I emit an aura that makes people feel comfortable around me.
But inside I cannot accept this. I know that I am deceiving them. The real me is hidden deep inside myself and I cannot find the strength to totally expose the sense of vulnerability, the fear of being judged and found wanting, the isolation that would result when they see who and what I really am.
But inside I cannot accept this. I know that I am deceiving them. The real me is hidden deep inside myself and I cannot find the strength to totally expose the sense of vulnerability, the fear of being judged and found wanting, the isolation that would result when they see who and what I really am.
But I bite the bullet, grab myself by the bootlaces and drag myself into the situations that I fear. Not through courage, but through necessity. I have to function within society, even if it is all just a facade. The only place I truly feel comfortable is on the stage and that in my eyes, reveals so much.
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