Now what do I do?

Well, this doesn’t happen often, but I find myself not sure of what to say.  It’s strange, because there are so many thoughts flying around in my head and my feelings are swinging from one extreme to the other.  One minute I am angry, the next so, so sad.  Then I start to accept my situation, only a moment later I am railing against the hand that has been dealt me.

So, let me try and explain what has brought me to this.

Last Sunday, exactly a week ago, as we were preparing to start our dress rehearsal (I am in a thriving Theatre Group and for the current production, was taking the role of Production Manager) when my middle son asked me to come outside.  I knew.  I knew exactly what he was going to tell me.

My Uncle had died.  I cannot honestly say what upset me more – losing my Uncle who had always been so good to me, that I had not been able to say goodbye and tell him how much I loved him, or the fact that I could not be there for my Aunt.

The timing was probably very good.  I had to pull myself together to fulfil my role and I did.  I didn’t let on to anyone the sad news that I had just received, nor did I allow my grief to show.

And that is the way I have moved through the past week.  Again, I have gone back to hiding how I am feeling from those around me.  It is just so much easier.  Only here, can I say how I truly feel.

Of course, my dilemma continues to grow.  No-one in my family has contacted me to tell me that my Uncle has died.  I am plainly not welcome at his Memorial Service, but what about my boys?  My cousin lives a couple of hours away and the train fare for the three of them is exorbitant.

I would happily take them there, but how do we sort out the logistics?  I can drop them at the crematorium and pick them up afterwards, but then that means that they will not have any time to talk to my Aunt and show her that they care.  So how to get them from the crematorium to where ever those attending will be going afterwards?

And what about me?  What do I do with myself for the duration?  I know this sounds entirely selfish, but I feel as though no one else cares how I feel, what I go through.  And surely my feelings matter too.

But that’s just it – I don’t think anyone really does care about me.   And honestly, I probably deserve it.