Which came first?

I have noticed something really interesting today.  I’ve been aware for a long time that many people seem to find me easy to talk to and confide to in, but never really gave it too much thought.  If I am honest, it’s probably because a situation has never arisen before, where the information that has been confided to me should really have been discussed with someone else.  And that got me thinking.  Somehow, I must send out some sort of signal that makes me seem more approachable and the question this raises for me is this – have I always been approachable and that is part of how I ended up a victim, or has this part of me developed because of all that I have been through.

To me, it’s a really interesting question and one that, because I have come so far over the last few years, I can actually face and mull over without getting mired in the ‘why me’s’ and ‘what if’s’. 

So I wonder, has this approachable part of me always existed?  And if it has, was that what made me prey to Alex’s attentions?  Is there a facet of my personality/make up that rendered me susceptible to the abuse?  And if so, is there any way that I could take that knowledge and use it to help others who would otherwise not have a clue.  Because really, being approachable is a good thing.  It enables others with burdens the chance to offload on someone else.

On the other hand, does this part of me exist because I was a Victim?  Is it because of the trials I have survived that has brought out this part of me?  And then, does that not mean that something good has come out of something terrible?  Do I in fact owe Alex a strange kind of thank you?  Because I love it when people come to me when they need someone to talk to.  I love the fact that people who don’t really know me very well find it easy to confide in me.  And it gives me even more reason to go on and adds to my self confidence and sense of self worth.

Either way, what Alex did to me robbed me of so much, but as I have healed, it seems that I have got back what he stole with interest.  Because I have been in such a terrible place I can better appreciate the things that to others would seem small and inconsequential.  I was talking to a friend the other day and the words I spoke have stayed with me ever since.  These days I appreciate the bad things in my life because without the darkness, we would be unable to appreciate the light.  The dark night sky only serves to draw our attention to the beauty of the stars.

And so it is in my life.  I can look back on my life and it makes me appreciate even more, all that I now have.