Fair or not

After posting last night, I ended up going back to the beginning of my blog and reading through it.  Wow!  I did not expect the huge range of emotions as I went through my posts.  I felt pain, heartache, anger, embarrassment, shame, amazement, shock – the list just goes on and one.  One thing became very clear though.  I am very different to the person who started this blog.

Not all the changes are positive lately though.  I can see how strong and confident I felt whilst I was in Afghanistan and it is clear that I have gone backwards a bit since I came home.  It’s sad, but not totally unexpected.  With so much of my sense of self-worth depending on what I can do for others, it was inevitable that when I stopped working in a job that allowed me to serve some very deserving people that sense of my own value to humankind was going to be a lot lower.

But somehow, I am surviving and a lot of that is thanks to people around me.  Aghan let me feel useful, confident and fulfilled and I did bring some of that home with me.  Add that to the support I have received from friends (I wish I could say family too, but hey ho) and my involvement in activities that I love and I am still standing. 

But is that enough?  I don’t know whether I should just keep plodding along, doing my best to cope.  Every day is a challenge lately and although I have not reached that low point where I can’t go on, it is hard and I wonder whether it really is worth it.  Should I accept my life the way it is or should I try for more?  Is it even possible for me to ever get past this? 

Because yes, it is still a problem for me.  Every day, and I do mean every day, something comes along to disturb my equilibrium.  Sometimes it is a flashback, sometimes the anger surfaces.  Other times it is trying to deal with the way I react to things because of the PTSD and its associated issues.  There are times when I just want to curl up and cry and other times when I am bouncing off the walls, enjoying being happy, but knowing that it won’t last. 

And of course, that brings me back to something that I have debated for years – Regression Therapy.  If I sought help to recover the memories of what happened, would it destroy everything I have achieved or would it enable me to finally come to terms with it?  The most frustrating thing is that I won’t know unless I try.  Then if it goes wrong, there’s no turning back.  That’s what my mind zooms in on of course!  I don’t ever want to feel the way I did a few years ago.  I’m not sure I could survive it again.

No one can tell me what to do, no one can help me make the decision.  It is down to me and only me, which seems so unfair after everything.  Which is when the anger starts to bubble up again.  I must live with all this for the rest of my life, not knowing whether he even thinks about it for a second.  His absolute silence hurts almost as much as what he did to me in the first place.