Loss

Well, for the first time I am writing a blog post not knowing when I will be able to publish it.  Op Minimise is on here, for the second time in as many days.  In fact, it has now been on for more than twenty four hours, after the first instance lasting nearly 8 hours.  And it has made me think and reflect on the feelings of those affected by what has been going on here.

I know how it feels to lose a loved one.  Losing both my parents within 6 months of each other was nothing short of devastating, probably made worse by the confusing dynamic within my family.  My parents were among the few people who I had told about what Alex did to me and although their initial reaction was not exactly supportive, once they got over the shock, they did the best that they could.  I fully understand that they found it difficult to talk about and to face up to.  As a parent myself that makes sense to me.   I know that if I was in their position, I would feel that I had let my child down and failed as a parent.

And yet, I have never felt that way.  I don’t believe they let me down and I do not blame them for not protecting me from Alex.  I formed an unholy alliance with him, as a result of his veiled threats and although I tried in small ways to lead people to an awareness of what was being done to me, I can see now that it wasn’t enough!  Not in the less aware era of the 1970’s when child sexual abuse was not something that people were really aware of.

But to get back to the point of this post.  Losing a loved one.  Yes, I lost my parents, but I cannot imagine the pain of losing a son or daughter, a husband or a wife.  I can only think of how I would feel if I lost one of my sons and my heart breaks for the family and friends of those who have lost their lives here over the last couple of days. 

There is an air of sadness across the camp although most of us do not know exactly what has happened.  We are probably less informed than those back in the UK which has led to a lot of speculation.  I’m not sure whether what we are imagining is worse or better than what has really happened (if anything could be considered better in the circumstances). 

But it certainly makes one appreciate one’s own mortality.  Two years ago, I didn’t believe that my death would affect those around me, as I thought no one cared that much.  Now I realise how mistaken I was.  But I also realise that my own self-worth depends a lot on my sons and their well-being.  And because of that, my heart goes out to those who have lost their loved ones.  I pray that they have a strong support structure to help them through the days ahead.