2 Years Later

A couple of things happened today which have made me realise just how far I have come in less than two years.

To put things in perspective consider this – two years ago, I started putting in place my plan to end it all.  I believed that my life was worthless and that no one would particularly care if I was no longer around.  In fact, I believed that everyone would be better off without me there to mess up their lives.

Less than two years ago, I put my plan into action.  I can now say that I am happy that my research was not quite as good as I thought it was and I failed.  And funnily enough, now that I know where I went wrong I have absolutely no intention of using that information now, or in the future.  Never again will I grant HIM that power over me.  Because I can now accept that my life does have some value!

Okay, so I still have low self-esteem and I still doubt myself a lot, but the way I feel now bears no resemblance to the way I felt two years ago.  The incidents today have shown me that.

Neither occurrence was anything huge – simply customers making positive comments about me.  One stated that he loved coming into the shop at the end of a hard day and seeing my ‘beautiful smile’.  His words, not mine.  The second incident actually involved a group of younger customers, frequent visitors to the shop.  After bantering back and forth with them, which mostly involved me insulting them and them trying to defend themselves, one of them turned round and told me I was ‘a legend’!!  I was somewhat taken aback and laughed – only for these young men whose work involves them risking their own lives for others, to assure me that the banter we share regularly in the shop cheers them up and distracts them from where they are and why they are here.

I realised that I do that!  Yes, of course, that is why I wanted to come here, but the offshoot of it is that my own self-esteem has been boosted.  I actually feel better about myself and not so bitter about the life that Alex stole from me!  How is that for a positive result? 

And the strangest part of it all?  I enjoyed the compliments!  They made me feel good.  Instead of laughing it off and believing ‘I had them fooled’ I accepted that I had made a difference to their day and I felt good about myself.  Even now, hours later, I still feel positive and satisfied that I have done something worthwhile.