Wake Up Call

The last few weeks have acted like something of a wake up call for me.  A number of things have happened that have either triggered or highlighted memories and feelings that I thought were no longer a part of my life. Not for a second have I started to backslide, but I think that I have a more realistic view of where I am in my life.

I have dealt with so much of my past and come to terms with what happened, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen and doesn't affect me or my life.  That is something that I hadn't really acknowledged until recently.  It is so easy when things are going smoothly to forget that a major panic attack or a backslide are only really just one step behind me, poised to sink their claws back into me.  And funnily enough, although I am now more alert to it, it doesn't really upset me.  I really would have thought that learning this would have caused me to back slide, but in fact it has served to strengthen my determination and resolve.

There is so much in my life now that helps to point the way for me.  Friends, first and foremost.  People from my past who I would never have thought to turn to have shown themselves to be the most amazing and supportive people.  Other friends from my past have proved that they are exactly what I thought they always were.  New friends who have shown me who I want to be, given me something to strive for and been there for me when I needed them.

I'm not for one second saying that I didn't have this in the past, but I was not in a place to see or appreciate them.  I'm not making excuses, but I was so wrapped up in the pain I just couldn't.  Now, a few years down the line and I cannot believe how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life.  I wish I could name them on here, but that would not be fair on them.  Maybe they don't even realise how much they have done for me.  

There are a few I have told just how much they have done for me, but some probably don't realise.  A good, longstanding friend who I view more as a sister than a friend; a wonderful woman who, although I met her online, has shared many of my experiences and in fact even spent some time in the town where I grew up; a friend I met in Afghanistan, whose beautiful nature calms and uplifts me; a friend I met online who was there for me, whether he realised it or not; a woman from the town where I grew up, who I thought would turn her back on me when I came out with the truth, like most of those from her generation did, but who to this day has proved to be supportive and caring; a new friend who shares a love of the theatre with me and who herself has been through hard times and has inspired me.  These are just a few of the amazing people in my life, but they are most definitely the core that have helped me to get to where I am now.

And because of them, I am all the more determined to keep myself on track.  The nightmare that is behind me can stay right there - behind me!