Today I am absolutely seething. A little message for those that read this blog - if you don't like it, don't read it!! When you see the link on someone else's Facebook (because you aren't on mine), don't click on it!! It's that simple.
And just in case that one person is reading this - you have an opinion, I have facts as I believe them. Don't let it confuse you!
To clarify, I posted a blog entry onto my Facebook yesterday, as well as sharing a couple of posts that spoke to me personally. In no way did I mention any names, nor drop any hints as to the identity of the person who I claim sexually abused me as a child. I named him once on my Facebook, years ago now, but since then I have stuck to non de plumes whenever I have referred to what happened.
However, one person took it upon herself to click on the link to my blog (which must have appeared on someone else's Facebook, since she is not connected to mine) and read yesterday's post. She then proceeded to take offence and send me a most offensive and disrespectful message.
To her and any other's who may feel as she does - I write this blog for a number of reasons, not least of which because it helps me. I have also, through the blog, made contact with other victims, survivors and friends and family of victims and survivors. Sharing my experiences with them helps them and me in ways other people could probably never understand. I have had a few people I know come up to me, after reading a blog post and open up to me about their own experiences. I have had messages asking for help from family and friends of victims. What I have shared on here has helped them to identify some of what their loved ones are going through.
And let's just get one things straight - what I write on here is my story! It is the facts as I see them, from my point of view and yes, with my bias. He has never, ever responded to my accusations; not to deny or confirm. He has in fact, completely blocked me from every facet of his life. Additionally, when I publicly acknowledged what happened to me, I did not do it lightly. When I named him, I though about it long and hard first. It was very hard for me to do and I was fully aware of all that I stood to lose. Believe me, I lost members of my family with whom I was very close. One in fact who was my closest link to my Mother. It tore me apart, but it was something I realised that I had to do. There was just no way other for me to move on with my life and protect myself and my sons from the actions I may take if I continued to keep the abuse a secret.
It is just too easy when noone knows what you are going through to build a wall around your true feelings and keep them hidden. In fact, it is easier in a way. Confronting what happened to me was one of the hardest things I have ever done and admitting it to people made me feel less than worthless and dirty. There are still times when I feel less than those around me, but those times are becoming fewer. I will not deny that sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change what happened to me, but then I think it through and realise that I like who I am now and don't want to be anyone else. So I embrace my past and use it to build my future.
As to him?? I don't know what goes through his head. I have no idea whether he ever thinks back to what he did to me and my friends and feels guilty. Does he ever contemplate making an apology or even acknowledging us? Will he ever stand up and make himself accountable for his actions? Yes, that is what I want, but my happiness no longer depends on it. I would like it to happen, but I don't need it. I can't speak for his other surviving victim and obviously it is too late for the other.
I can only hope that in even a small way, I can take my experiences and use them to help other's who are going through the things I did. My future is not yet written, but if I have my way, I will only grow stronger and stronger.
And again I stress - what I write are facts according to my recollection. I cannot prove any of it and chances are he will never be made accountable for nor even acknowledge what he did. So believe me or don't, that is your choice, but please remember - you have an opinion only and you do not have the right to use it to abuse me further. I will not stand for it, nor will I allow it to affect me for more than a short time, before I move on with my life.
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