Reflections

Working in a place that allows me a lot of time to think is proving quite invaluable.  I am now really starting to get to grips with the things that are and have been going on in my head.

Yes, that part of me that tried to end it all is still there, but the newer part and now the stronger part keeps that side of me in check.  I am still angry at him and still a little bitter at what he stole from me.  I don't think that will ever change.  But realising that I cannot change what happened to me in my past, I now embrace the changes that it made in my life.

Saying that, I realise that parts of my personality in fact contradict my past.  I suppose you could call me quite brazen and open and those are not generally traits that are associated with survivors of Child Sexual Abuse.  I will openly admit that my life as it is now suits my outlook and expectations.  I no longer strive to find that 'perfect' relationship nor seek to find someone with whom I can share my life on a permanent basis.  And yet that is totally contrary to the accepted mindset of a victim or survivor.

I spent so many years looking for love, and because of the abuse, associating love with sex.  Now I believe that the two are in fact mutually exclusive and either of them can be enjoyed and celebrated without the other.  There are so many types of love, familial and romantic being the main ones and I draw my gratification on that front from the love of my family and friends.  And as I stand now, I am satisfied with that and don't seek anything more.

As to the other, my years out here in Afghanistan have given me a totally new perspective.  Being able to enjoy the pleasures of the human body without feelings of shame or guilt and without feeling the need to pursue a 'relationship' has been liberating.  And in a way, I think that has contributed a lot to my healing process.  I'm sure some people would view that as shameful, but I no longer feel the need to hide who I am or what I want.  If anyone doesn't like it, I realise that it is actually their problem, not mine.  How different is that outlook from what I expressed only a few years ago??

This new phase of my life is bringing so many unexpected experiences and I finally feel truly able to embrace whatever life brings my way.  I honestly have no idea what the future holds and yes, I do hope that it includes him finally facing the consequences of his actions.  But I am not going to hold my breath and my future happiness certainly doesn't rest on it happening.  I live with my burdens and I am sure he lives with his.  I can only hope that he is aware of the amount of suffering he has inflicted on those of us that he chose to abuse.  And I hope that he sees that he no longer has a hold over me or my life.