Saturday, 16 June 2012

Changed for the better


Today I was looking back over the last two years and considering all that has happened.  And it amazes me!  Truly, I am not the same person.  In fact, very little remains of the woman who believed she was so worthless that people would be better off if she was dead.  I don’t know how much of it can be attributed to the various therapies I underwent or the different medications I still take, but I do know that three major factors have contributed to my moving away from being a Survivor and becoming a Thriver.

First and foremost – my sons!  Without their support in the days following my failed attempt, I know that I would have tried again – successfully.  I learned enough to know exactly where I went wrong and how to combat that failure.  That knowledge will always be with me, stored in the back of my mind, like a security blanket.  But my boys were amazing, taking me in, caring for me and not just telling me but actually showing me that I was loved and valued.  Yes, it took me a while to accept that their actions were more than a mere familial reaction, but eventually that understanding came.

Secondly came my return to the stage.  Not only did this provide me with a route towards escapism – it also let me do something that I know I am good at.  And as a result it allowed my confidence to begin building.  Naturally, being surrounded by like-minded people helped, but the fact that they were and still are a wonderful group of people was an added bonus.  I know that I have true friends who care about me and will be there for me when I need them, just as I would be in return.  And amazingly, now I can accept that.  I no longer feel that I don’t deserve it.

But the final factor I believe, is the one that has made the most difference, something I would never have been able to do without the first two.  And that is coming to Afghanistan.  I know I only work in a shop, but on a daily basis I get the opportunity to serve men and women who have made a conscious choice to put their lives on the line for their country.  When they come to me, hot and tired, stressed or sad, I can share a smile, help them to laugh. 

Of course I do provide access to the cold drinks and other items that they need, but to me that is actually only a small part of what I do.  I have seen it day in and day out – that expression of deep satisfaction as I hand them a cold drink with a smile on my face and even a little banter.  The exchange of money seems inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, though it is obviously a necessary evil.

But to think that not so long ago I believed that I was worthless and now when someone calls me a legend or an angel, I can smile and say ‘it’s only a pleasure ‘, without feeling like a fraud.

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