Just a rant

I cannot believe I am here again.  It is stupid-o-clock and I am too afraid to go to sleep.  I have been having a particularly bad day and it has hit me hard.  How is it that I am now 50 years old and something that happened to me when I was a child is having such an impact on my life?

I can say one positive thing - I have not just folded in on myself this time.  Earlier tonight, when I was feeling completely bewildered, I reached out and it made a difference.  Just the act of reaching out to someone I love helped.  I didn't want to talk about how I was feeling or discuss my past.  I didn't want sympathy.  I've realised that all I actually wanted was human contact.  I hate it when people feel sorry for me, almost as much as I hate it when people refuse to acknowledge the effects of  Depression.  And I intentionally capitalise the word 'Depression' because it is at the forefront of my life right now.  And I reiterate -  I DO NOT WANT SYMPATHY!  I have no problem with talking about what happened and whilst it is helpful to me, it is also in a bid to draw out other victims who may not yet have acknowledged what happened to them.

What he did to me has taken so much away from me that I can never get back.  It has made me a different person to the one I would have been had he not done what he did.  And I am angry about that.  It really, really pisses me off.  And if I can at least reach one other victim and help them to speak up and get help, then I can hold that close to myself as something good that has come out of it all.

The anger and pain is eating away at me, slowly but surely, but I am strong and I will keep fighting it.  It helps that I have some amazing friends around me and three wonderful sons.  My sons are a large part of why I keep fighting actually.  There are so many times when I just do not want to go on anymore and the thoughts are all-consuming.  What stops me is the thought that maybe it would have a negative effect on my boys.  Yes, yes, I know that people tell me that I am worth something - I've been told that ad infinitum, but I don't think I truly believe it.  I have been told that we all have those two voices in our heads - the one that tells us the positive and the other that laughs and says 'do you really believe that?'  But the possibility that my boys would be hurt if I left them stays my hand.  

The crazy part is that tonight, when I really needed to just sit with someone and chat, or watch TV - just to physically have someone in the same room as me, I was too afraid to get in my car and drive to a friend - what if the urge became too powerful?  

And that brings me back to HIM!!  Does he have any idea what he has done?  Does he care?  Has he any concept of what I have to live with?  Does he ever feel guilty?  Why can he not just say sorry?  

But then even if he did say he was sorry, would that ever be enough?  I just don't know!

But I hate living like this and I just want it all to stop.  I want to be better.  I won't say normal, because there are those that flippantly say 'define normal'.  I want to be the way I perceive the other people around me to be.  To go about my life without these horrible thoughts banging away in my head.  I am so hurt and angry and I am sick of it now.  It's just not fair.  

Please don't feel sorry for me - it doesn't help me.  I'm sorry if this post sounds really childish.  This is just how I feel right now.  And I need to get it out.  

I don't know if anyone will read this post, as I am not going to share it like I usually do.  I would kind of like my friends and family to see it, because I don't want to go through this alone.  But it then comes back to the fear of them either feeling sorry for me and sympathising, the fear that they will think I am pathetic or the fear that they will not believe me.

Reasons or excuses?

All sorts of questions seem to be plaguing me at the moment.  The latest one is where do you draw the line when blaming current behaviours on past experiences?  What I mean is, how do you really know what is a character flaw and what is a result of what happened?

I find myself so often blaming my more negative traits on what I experienced as a child.  I behaved badly as a teenager because I was trying to block out what he did to me.  I hide behind a mask because I have low self-esteem, because he took that away from me and made me feel worthless.  I avoid friends and family when I’m low because I don’t want to drag them down, because I don’t feel worth their support, because he made me feel dirty.  I don’t face up to things because I have learned that it is safer to hide, because he taught me to hide and lie, because he did what he did to me and made me feel as though I was the one at fault.

The list just goes on and on and when I really think about it, I realise that every time I come across something within me that I do not like, I seem to find a way to blame it all on what he did to me.  And if I do enough research, I can find scholarly articles to back me up and medical papers to fit the bill.  But really, can I blame everything that is wrong in my life on something that happened so long ago?

A large part of me says ‘of course you can!’  He took an innocent child and did things to her that she had no way of understanding or comprehending.  That must have far reaching effects.  But there has got to be a limit surely? 

So how do I know the difference?  I just don’t know.  It is so frustrating and I realise now that I need to be so careful.  I can spend the rest of my life blaming everything on the abuse and maybe I am justified and correct.  But will that help me to improve and grow?  I am starting to think that maybe what I need to do is more than just try and focus on the positive.  Maybe I need to look at the negative stuff too and stop making excuses.  Even as I type this, there is an argument going on in my head.  After what I went through, I have an excuse!  But what if constantly using that excuse is holding me back?

So where the hell does that leave me?  I am just as confused as ever.  I know I need to take responsibility for my actions, decisions and behaviours, but it pisses me off that I must face this dilemma at all.  And can I survive if my excuses are taken away from me?  Will I be better or worse off?  The terrifying part is I won’t know until I decide one way or another.  And right now I really don’t feel brave enough.

Just be me?

Sometimes I get to wondering what would happen if I dropped all pretence, discarded all the masks and was just me.  Broken me.  Could people stand to be around me if they truly saw how I was feeling or even had an inkling of what I was thinking?

I know that thanks to the Hyperarousal, I often completely misinterpret what people say to me.  I hear the tone of voice, I can see the body language, but still I manage to completely twist things in my head.  Then I spend hours and even days, beating myself up, worrying about something that a part of me knows is purely imagined.

Let me try to explain Hyperarousal.  It is part of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).  It is possible to suffer from Hyperarousal without suffering PTSD, but the opposite is not true.  Symptoms are all because of the nervous system being in a constant state of activation.  The most obvious are the exaggerated startle reaction and irritability.  What isn’t so clear to see is the insomnia, reduced tolerance for pain, difficulty concentrating and constantly being ‘on guard’.  Then of course, depending on how well you know the sufferer, you may experience their irritability, panic and anxiety and the fatigue that makes it difficult for them to function.

All of this adds up to a waking nightmare.  Because of the enhanced awareness, everything that is said and done is over-analysed.  Picked over for hours on end, looking for the hidden meaning that will fit with the sufferers’ view of themselves. 

An example could be where someone says kindly, we are keeping an eye on you.  This statement most likely means that the person/people are aware that the sufferer is having a hard time and they are looking out for them.  To the person with Hyperarousal, that simple statement will be taken with a completely negative connotation.  Most likely a person with Hyperarousal would believe that people have noticed that they are not ‘normal’ and are ‘a burden to society’ and they are being monitored to find a way to get rid of them.

To the best of my knowledge there isn’t a cure.  All that can be done is for the victim to ensure that they take their medication as prescribed and to work on strategies to deal with their reactions.  There isn’t any way to stop jumping at shadows or to stop the panic.  But they can learn to deal with the fall out.  The best thing I ever learnt to do was to control my panic attacks without outside assistance.  Slowly I am also working on controlling the irritability, or at least warning people when I am on edge.  It’s all part of the journey and it doesn’t get easier.  But every little achievement means oh so much.

But I still wonder how people would react if I dropped all pretence, discarded all the masks and was just me……

Fair or not

After posting last night, I ended up going back to the beginning of my blog and reading through it.  Wow!  I did not expect the huge range of emotions as I went through my posts.  I felt pain, heartache, anger, embarrassment, shame, amazement, shock – the list just goes on and one.  One thing became very clear though.  I am very different to the person who started this blog.

Not all the changes are positive lately though.  I can see how strong and confident I felt whilst I was in Afghanistan and it is clear that I have gone backwards a bit since I came home.  It’s sad, but not totally unexpected.  With so much of my sense of self-worth depending on what I can do for others, it was inevitable that when I stopped working in a job that allowed me to serve some very deserving people that sense of my own value to humankind was going to be a lot lower.

But somehow, I am surviving and a lot of that is thanks to people around me.  Aghan let me feel useful, confident and fulfilled and I did bring some of that home with me.  Add that to the support I have received from friends (I wish I could say family too, but hey ho) and my involvement in activities that I love and I am still standing. 

But is that enough?  I don’t know whether I should just keep plodding along, doing my best to cope.  Every day is a challenge lately and although I have not reached that low point where I can’t go on, it is hard and I wonder whether it really is worth it.  Should I accept my life the way it is or should I try for more?  Is it even possible for me to ever get past this? 

Because yes, it is still a problem for me.  Every day, and I do mean every day, something comes along to disturb my equilibrium.  Sometimes it is a flashback, sometimes the anger surfaces.  Other times it is trying to deal with the way I react to things because of the PTSD and its associated issues.  There are times when I just want to curl up and cry and other times when I am bouncing off the walls, enjoying being happy, but knowing that it won’t last. 

And of course, that brings me back to something that I have debated for years – Regression Therapy.  If I sought help to recover the memories of what happened, would it destroy everything I have achieved or would it enable me to finally come to terms with it?  The most frustrating thing is that I won’t know unless I try.  Then if it goes wrong, there’s no turning back.  That’s what my mind zooms in on of course!  I don’t ever want to feel the way I did a few years ago.  I’m not sure I could survive it again.

No one can tell me what to do, no one can help me make the decision.  It is down to me and only me, which seems so unfair after everything.  Which is when the anger starts to bubble up again.  I must live with all this for the rest of my life, not knowing whether he even thinks about it for a second.  His absolute silence hurts almost as much as what he did to me in the first place.

Blogging again

Here I am again.  I am thinking about reviving my blog and posting regularly, but I know what I am like and so I have decided to just take it one post at a time.

I have realised that I need this blog.  Putting aside the selfless ‘I want it to help other people’, I have finally figured out that my blog helped me too.  It’s somewhere that I can let it all out and say the things that I could never actually say out loud.  I’m not afraid to say them as such.  It’s more about how people react.

It’s funny.  You’d think having people acting all sympathetic and offering their support would be nice.  And it is in a way.  But it is also difficult to accept.  On one level, I don’t feel that I deserve it.  Not that I don’t think I am worth it, though I suppose that is also another side of it.  But I just feel guilty that people are worrying about me when there are so many other things going on in the world that are a million times worse than anything I have ever experienced.  And I don’t want sympathy – it makes me feel as though I am broken.  The same goes for support.  That sounds like I cannot cope on my own.

What I do want, when I talk about what happened to me and how it has affected me, is understanding.  I want to share what it was and still is like so that people can have more of an idea of the impact that it has on someone’s life.  And not just the victim either.  Everyone around them has got to carry some part of the burden.  I hate to think of what I have put my boys through over the last ten years.  I can only imagine what my revelations did to my wider family, especially those closely related to him.  And I will always carry a level of guilt for that.  What happened to me was not my fault, but I do feel responsible for forcing them to share in the pain.

To some people who have never had the misfortune of knowing a victim of Child Sexual Abuse, it is probably quite a shock to realise how far reaching the effects are.  But it’s as I explained to someone today – I was nine years old when the abuse started and at that point, it was as though a part of me was frozen in time, never to grow up.  Inside me there is still that nine-year-old girl.  She hasn’t grown up and still sees the world through the same eyes, experiences all the same fears and perceives the world in the same way.  And she will always be there – there just isn’t any way to exorcise her or change her.  All I can do, is try to accept her as she is and find ways to deal with the things she cannot understand or cope with.

Scary, isn’t it?  But that is my life and that is part of why I need to start blogging again.  Maybe I can talk to her through these lines and help her through the terrors that are the adult world.  And maybe, yes, just maybe I can help someone – even if it is just myself.

Flashbacks

Amazing! Just when I think that my past is behind me, it rears its ugly head and bites me again! I'm angry, disappointed and scared. Will I ever be able to completely move beyond what he did to me?

I had a flashback this afternoon. I was listening to music with one of my boys and a song that I have always loved came on - John Denver's 'Take me home, country road'. Up until now, I've associated this song with the happy times when I first started dating my boys' father.  The two of us, relaxing and singing along together. 

Then, as I stood listening to the track, I suddenly flashed back to a day in 'Alex's' bedroom when he was playing the same song! The flashback only lasted a couple of seconds, but it was enough to completely throw me.  How could I still love this music? How could I have spent so long associating with happy times? How could I enjoy that same music so much? Now as I type this, I am actually getting even more confused. So much of the music that I love from my childhood, I listened to with 'Alex'. He introduced me to many of my favourite artists! It just doesn't make sense.

Is there something wrong with me? I'm questioning everything again. Surely the songs that he played whilst he abused me should trigger a negative reaction in me now? I don't get it...

And of course, because of past experience, I am too scared to let myself go to sleep. It has been years since I had one of those nightmares, but with the way I am feeling now and the memory so fresh... I just don't know. I really thought I was beyond this now and that I had completely taken back control of my life. I believed that he couldn't hurt me anymore and I am so angry that after I have come so far, he still can!

Panto Time!

Yes!  It's that time of year - Panto time!!  I know I am truly back from Afghanistan now that rehearsals for our Pantomime have started.  It's really strange that I've been home for eight months, but it is only now that it is really starting to sink in.  I've been busy with a play, then a musical with my AmDram group, I'm working full time and of course there's my Aerial Gymnastics - but it is the start of Panto rehearsals that has made it real.

First rehearsal last night was 'interesting'.  The casting went as I anticipated and I am pleased to say that I am in the dancing chorus.  I have never attempted to join in with the dancers before because of my weight, but thanks to Aerial I feel I've lost a sufficient amount to be able to deport myself gracefully!  Notwithstanding of course, any weight loss over the next few months.  I'm also in the singing chorus, but for me that is not so much of a challenge as it is a bit of fun. 

The dancing is the thing.  I have not danced properly in years as I've felt pretty self-conscious about my weight.  I am sure part of that was connected with my low self-esteem.  I know I have always been an accomplished dancer, but it is a little frightening returning to it after so many years.  But if I don't do it now, I don't think I ever will.  I'm most definitely not as slender as I was when I was younger, but I am hoping that with society's views having altered so much over the years, that won't be an issue.  In fact, it was probably only ever an issue in my eyes...

Not entirely sure what dancing we are going to be doing - the only one I'm sure of is a tap number!  That will most definitely stretch my abilities, as it is the discipline that has evolved the most, especially recently.  The style is so much looser now and definitely more relaxed, so I am going to have to fight the inclination to 'present', with a straight spine, stretched neck, shoulders pushed back, etc.  But isn't that really what my journey is all about?  Working with the hand I have been dealt and turning it into something positive?  Challenge accepted!!

33 Years Later: Looking to the future

33 Years Later: Looking to the future: Well, I know that I've said it before, but I definitely think it is time that I moved this blog along.  My life is definitely no longer ...

Looking to the future

Well, I know that I've said it before, but I definitely think it is time that I moved this blog along.  My life is definitely no longer about the fact that I survived Child Sexual Abuse.  Who I am will always be as a result of what I suffered, but I've moved so far from who I was when I started this blog that it seems ridiculous to keep the focus on that suffering.

Instead, I want to celebrate where I am now.  The objective of my blog initially was to reach out to others who had been abused and to provide information to those who might know other victims.  Because of that I have clung on to the theme of abuse within my blog, but it is becoming harder and harder to find anything to say!  And that is a good thing.

I got to thinking about whether I should shut down this blog and start another.  But then it struck me - the abuse is a huge part of who I am today and probably what has driven me to take on new and interesting challenges in my life.  So surely if I continue with this blog, but move it forward the central theme will still be relevant to other Survivors?  Of course it will!  If I can get through it, then maybe that will be a more positive message and an incentive for other's to use what they have been through to make their lives better, rather than allowing it to destroy them.

So, onwards and upwards.  As I've said previously, I have taken up Aerial Gymnastics and of course, now that I am back home, have immersed myself in my local Amateur Theatre Group.  These two activities are keeping me more than busy and added to my work and family, my life is full.  You can now expect less posts about my past and more about my present. 

I would love it if you join me on this continuing adventure and to any Survivors who happen to stumble across this blog remember - there is a future for you, you just have to reach out and take it!

33 Years Later: Onwards and Upwards

33 Years Later: Onwards and Upwards: My life has changed so much over the last few years, I can honestly say that I no longer recognise myself.  I love the new me - confident, h...

Onwards and Upwards

My life has changed so much over the last few years, I can honestly say that I no longer recognise myself.  I love the new me - confident, happy and secure in myself.  Who would have thought that I would ever apply those words to myself?  Certainly not me!

The abuse I suffered as a child still bothers me.  It is part of who I am and always will be.  But rather than ruling my life, the abuse is now just a factor that has shaped me.  I will always be on the lookout for other victims and survivors, but the need to prove myself worthy to the outside world is no longer the overriding thing in my life.

As such, I have grabbed at opportunities that were presented to me and made the most of them.  The two big things in my life now, other than my sons of course, are my amateur theatre group and my new discovery - Aerial Gymnastics.  Who would have thought?  I am 47 years old and I have taken up a new hobby which is mentally and physically challenging.  And I am absolutely loving it.

For those who don't already know, Aerial Gymnastics is what those people do who hang from silks, hoops, rings or a trapeze.  My favourite is the hoop.  We have had a hard time forming a relationship, I will admit.  My first experience ended in me quite literally throwing up as a result of a combination of the motion and the physical exertion.  The following day I was covered in bruises from the unforgiving contact with the hoop and I discovered muscles in places I didn't even know I had!  But rather than run a mile, I decided to take on the challenge.  Never again will I allow anything to stop me if there is even the slightest chance that I can conquer it.

And six months later, my love affair with the hoop is moving along nicely.  I can now hang upside down, spin around and the strength I have built up amazes me.  I am still very much a beginner, but am ready to move on to the next level.  And instead of being nervous or insecure, I am excited.  Bring it on!

It just goes to prove that there is most definitely life after being a victim of Child Sexual Abuse and the abuse need not define the victim.  Taking control of your life and realising that you can in fact take control is possible.  I'm not saying it's been easy and I certainly will never forget or forgive, but I can live with it now and that realisation is what has changed my life.

New Year

This is probably going to be a very short post. I am currently sitting in a small cafe on an International Military Base in the middle of Afghanistan. The group with whom I am travelling is an eclectic mix of British civilians and servicemen. We are delayed here indefinitely and are now contemplating spending New Years Eve in an environment that is not entirely hospitable and definitely a long way from our friends and family. And I have surprised myself.

Yes, I am disappointed that I am not home with my boys and of course I am frustrated by the fact that I have no idea when I will get out of here. But my mindset has changed so much that I have accepted the situation and even believe that there is probably a reason for why this is happening, even though I may never find out what that reason is.

Instead, I am determined to make the most of the situation and grasp whatever opportunities present themselves whilst I am here. The celebrations of the incoming New Year will most likely be somewhat subdued, but I am alive to partake in it and am not really missing any major events at home.

My heart goes out to one of the Servicemen with us. He is stuck here with us, but is supposed to be getting married in just over a week. I cannot even imagine how he must be feeling, let alone his bride to be, waiting for him at home. Or the young lad who could not take his R&R flight and is now stuck with us as his leave time ticks away. And the other young men and women out here, miles away from their loved ones, serving their different countries.

When I think about it, what do I have to feel down about, so to all of you reading this, I wish you a very Happy New Year and please, always look for the positives in your life and don't sweat the bad stuff. It will all pass in time.

My Parents

I really need to clarify something. After my last post, I have received a couple of messages from people who have read my Blog, who seem to be under the illusion that I blame my parents in some part for what happened to me. I would like to state absolutely categorically, that I hold them in no way responsible and if I have at any time given this impression, I must apologise. 

I strongly believe that many victims from my generation were victims of our time, as much as victims of our abusers. No one had really heard of Child Sexual Abuse and it was certainly never discussed, even within the privacy of our homes. Sex and sexual activities were pretty much taboo subjects and happened only behind closed doors. Sex education did not exist in schools and for myself and many of my friends, comprised of our Mom handing us a book about 'the birds and the bees' and telling us to read it. In many cases, certainly in mine, I was eleven years old by the time this happened and it was already too little, too late.

Add into this the fact that my parents did not believe in public displays of affection, but I was a child who craved it and you have a recipe for disaster. I was basically the perfect victim and had absolutely nothing in my arsenal that I could us to protect myself. Again, my parents were not at fault - this is how they were raised and had absolutely no reason to do it differently. 

Then, as time passed and the abuse continued, my rapidly deflating self-esteem backed me into a corner. It was a vicious circle - I craved love, but because of the abuse, associated the physical side of things with love, so almost sought it out. I needed help, I knew I needed help, but I lived in an age when that help was not freely available. Children like me just didn't stand a chance. It was luck of the draw and I was the loser every which way I turned. 

So please, please, please, do not think I hold my parents in any way responsible for what happened. I never did and I never will. One of my enduring memories associated with the abuse is the day I told my parents about it and looks of devastation on their faces. It nearly killed them, especially my Dad. And I hold that close to me, proving that if they had any idea at the time, they would have stepped up and protected me. But they just didn't have the tools and information that they needed. 

Protecting Children and Young People from Sexual Predators

Well, I've been mulling over this post for a few days now. I've also had a few conversations with some of the lads out here and frankly, I am stunned by the fact that most people understand so little about the issues and dangers surrounding the subject. 

As a Victim, Survivor and Thriver myself, I have met and spoken to a lot of others who have been through this. All our experiences are the same and yet at the same time completely different. But time and again, the same basic things come to the fore.  We can protect future generations from these horrific crimes and it really only requires common sense.

Please bear in mind, this is MY OPINION, based on my experiences and those of others that I have met. I AM NOT AN EXPERT by any means, but I have probably had a lot more exposure than many others who deliver their opinions as though they should be written in stone. 

So, here goes. Read what I say and use your own judgement, but please, please, please, if you have or know of children who might be at risk, think and don't just sit back and do nothing.

Children become victims for many reasons and as much as the Police and Governments can create and enforce all kinds of laws in this area, there are always going to be those who slip through the cracks. I believe the best protection we can provide our children is good parenting. More than anything else, children need to feel loved and respected. They need to know and understand their boundaries. They need to know that no matter what, their parents will be there for them and will talk to them and listen to them. No subject should be out of bounds and total openness should be the norm. 

I know that last probably sounds scary, but I was once told that a child will never ask a question that they are not ready to hear the answer to. And with my own boys I have found this to be 100% true. If they are asking a question, there is almost always a reason for it. I remember questioning my mother about sanitary towels and tampons when I was about nine.  She did not react well, not realising that the reason I was asking was quite specific. I was being abused and had latched on to the topic as a way to open the conversation. I do not blame my Mom for shutting me down, especially bearing in mind that people in those days were not aware of child sexual abuse. But that one conversation could have completely changed my life. 

We already have a lot of information flying around with regards Child Sexual Abuse, so if we practise openness and honesty with our children, we give them another layer to their armour.

Of course, this all mostly applies to children, but what we teach our children carries through into young adulthood when they may be exposed to sexual predators of a different type. But again, a young person who feels loved and valued in their home is far less likely to be open to approaches by these people. And bearing in mind that most abusers are known to the victims, either family members or close family friends, if the young person has the security of a loving home, sure.y they will be less open to these animals.

Christmas

Christmas. It is just around the corner and it truly amazes me how it means so many different things to so many different people. To some, it is about the gifts, the decorations, to others it is about the festivities and parties. There are those who focus on the spiritual side and for some it is just another day. But for me, it is all about family - those I love and hold dear, whether they are still with me or live only in my memory.

But this year, it looks like I will be spending another Christmas in the Land of Sand, away from those I love, but surrounded by those I care about deeply. I'm actually finding it quite hard being around them this year, as clearly most of them are missing their families and no matter how hard we try, there is just no way to make it up to them. All we can do is keep smiling and laughing, trying to make things as festive as is possible in this environment.

The cookhouse/DFAC have pulled out all the stops and the dining area hosts a myriad of decorations, Christmas trees and balloons. The twinkling lights add a slightly surreal touch to our mealtimes. Within our facility we have also made an effort to decorate, albeit with bits and pieces of broken trees and decorations from previous Christmases. It is amazing what you can do with a little bit of ingenuity. 

I'm not too sure whether the decorations are making a difference, but I personally feel better for having made the effort. I also try to sit with the guys and girls whenever I can, steering their conversations to their favourite Christmas memories and what they plan to do when they get back to their families. It isn't hard to get a smile out of them and for me, that is my reward. 

So please, if you are reading this, spare a thought on Christmas Day for those who are out here serving their countries. What is happening out here may not be something you support personally, but our Armed Forces sign on to serve and selflessly defend those who cannot always defend themselves. They go where they are sent and do as they are told and in my opinion, they are an absolute credit to the nations that they represent. 

Looking to the Future

Finally, I find myself looking forward more than backwards. And at this point in my life that is a really good thing. My journey to discover who I am and what I actually have to offer to those around me has reached a point where I can actually see ahead and not hang on to the past. 

A new chapter!!  It's only months away!!  And strangely enough I am not nervous, just excited. I will be leaving a life that I have lived for three years, a lifestyle to which I have adjusted and become accustomed. The reality is that what I am going 'home' too is now unfamiliar. Social interactions will take place on an entirely different level and everyone's priorities will be worlds away from what I have become used to. 

And the eager anticipation I am feeling shows me, more than anything else, how far I have come. I believe now that I can achieve anything I set my mind and heart on. I know that I have a place in the world and a unique contribution to make. Instead of the experiences from my early childhood feeling like a burden, they now feel like something I can learn from and draw on to help others. I know that not everyone who went through what I did will react in the same way that I did, but I also know that there are so many similarities that I would have an advantage over others who rely entirely on book learning.

I can't say that I am going to turn into the best Therapist ever, but I believe in myself and know that I have something to offer to other victims. I know that I can help them to find their way through the guilt and feelings of worthlessness, to come out the other side, no longer a victim. And I can't wait. 

Generalisation and Objectivity

The last two days have been something I never, ever want to live through again. But sitting with my usual group of friends tonight, I realised how far the human race still has to go. When dreadful things happen, it is so easy to generalise and lose sight of the good in the people around us. We seem to lose all sense of objectivity and become judgemental. It's understandable, but it's so, so wrong.

We had an incident yesterday where good people were killed or injured and the impact it has had on our lives cannot be explained to anyone who has never been in this type of environment. I don't mean that to sound condescending – but it is true. The initial shock left us all reeling and not entirely sure where to turn. Many of my regulars turned to me for distraction and in a way, it was good for me, as it kept me busy and therefore stopped me from dwelling on things.

What I saw yesterday heartened me, as I watched people supporting and helping each other. Thoughts and prayers were sent to the victims families and in general, the best of human nature came out. I felt proud to be among them and honoured to be included.

Then today, the other side of our nature started to show. The situation sadly is not clear, we don't and probably won't ever have sufficient information. But people started to make assumptions and jump to conclusions. All of a sudden we seemed to forget all the wonderful people we have come to know, all the good we have seen in them, all the positive changes we have seen. The actions of one man grew to represent the make up of an entire nation. Our grief and anger clouded our judgement and all of a sudden we forgot that one person is hardly representative of a people. As has happened all over the world on many different occasions, the actions of a minority of people have overtaken the good in the rest of a nation. The expression 'cannot see the wood for the trees' springs to mind and eloquently expresses what I am finding it so hard to say.

One man took up arms and destroyed the lives of other's and now we are struggling to see the fact that his actions were just that – HIS ACTIONS. But as the hurt and anger engulfs us, we are losing sight of that and somehow, we have to fight our tendency to generalise.

The pain will last for a while, I know and I am pretty sure the anger will too, but I just hope that we can see our way through this, without making judgements that harm those who don't deserve it. We cannot blame a group of people for the actions of one among them.

To end this post, I would just like to send out thoughts and prayers specifically to the friends and families of those who lost their lives or were injured in Afghanistan yesterday, Tuesday 5^th August 2014 and generally to all who have suffered as a result of wars and conflicts in the past. I can't say it any better, so I quote 'We will remember them'.

Positivity

Over the last few days, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how my entire mindset has changed over the last few years. Back before I reached the point when I believed that my life was a burden to myself and to those around me, I somehow failed to see or appreciate the positive aspects of my life. Now it seems that the reverse is true and for this I am truly thankful. Whereas before, all that I had been through overwhelmed me and stole my entire focus, I now actually find myself searching out the positive in every situation, no matter how bad. And amazingly enough, to me anyway, every situation has a positive side. You just have to take the time to find it.

To see how massive the effect of this mindset is, I look at the examples of two close friends. Both have been through some pretty rough times, lost loved ones and sunk into that dark place where there just doesn't seem to be any hope. But the way they have dealt with it is completely opposite. One found her way to the positive side, waking up each day and searching out the things that she could be grateful for. She lives her life focussing on the positives. This is not to say that there aren't any negatives in her life, but she chooses to look the other way. As a result, she has a full and happy life, with a large circle of friends who genuinely care about her and love spending time in her company.

On the opposite side, my other friend is almost entirely focussed on the negative things in her life. And she has spiralled out of control. Depression has a grip on her and her life seems to be a constant struggle. Many of her friends have had to take a step back from her. I know that sounds awful, but it is a sad fact. Negativity has a downward affect on those who come into contact with it. As friends, we have tried everything we can think of to help her deal with things, but to no avail. So to protect ourselves, we have had to excuse ourselves from her life. Her total focus on the negative side of her life is not only isolating her from those who care about her, but it is also preventing her from seeing the positives.

I know how hard it is to alter a negative mindset, but I am also aware that you have to want to do it. Acknowledging that the negativity is a problem is the first step and that is then followed by the necessity to be willing to make the effort. It doesn't just happen and takes time and perseverance, but eventually it becomes a habit.

No matter what the situation now, I find it easier and easier to find the positive side. It also helps that I firmly believe that you cannot fully appreciate the good stuff without the bad. Just like the night sky – the stars would not look half as beautiful if the sky wasn't so dark – you don't see them during the day do you? But they are still there.

Endings

Last night I couldn't sleep. It had suddenly dawned on me that my life is rapidly approaching a major change and the environment in which I have thrived over the last few years is about to be ripped away. And this got me to thinking about my past, my present and my future. What lies ahead, I wonder? Can I continue to grow once I am back in the real world? Because really, this place is a long, long way from reality.

During my time here in the sand, I have lived in a world where we are forcibly thrust together and have very little choice but to get along with each other. Those who fail to do so, don't last very long. And of course, the ever present risk only heightens our perceptions of the relationships that we form, giving us a false sense of closeness.

And sadly, I have realised that it is false. Not in the sense that we don't really care about each other, because we do. But it's false because once we are removed back to our home countries, it evaporates. Not deliberately, but through necessity. There is just no way for our loved one's who have not experienced this environment, how things are just so completely different here, to understand. I have made so many friends out here, from different walks of life and from countries spread across the world. But because of where we are and the reasons we are here, the relationships can only exist here.

How can a man explain to his wife that he has formed a strong friendship with another woman, without her feeling threatened by what they have shared? I'm not talking in any sexual sense of course, but when you have been forced together for six months or more, in a very close and sometimes dangerous environment, the links you form are different to those that you would develop in the real world. We depend on each other for so much more than just casual conversation. I have learned so much about the lives of the men and women I have met and spent time with out here, things that would not ordinarily be shared with those outside our family networks. Over the months, we spend hours talking about our lives, experiences and loved ones. It brings them closer to us all and helps us get through the day.

But I do not doubt for one second that only a few of them will return home and tell their wives and loved ones about me and my colleagues. In a way, I am more than a little jealous of my younger colleagues who tend to develop friendships with people their own age and by dint of that, people who do not have loved ones at home who would be threatened by the relationships. To be clear I am talking about spouses and partners.

What woman would feel comfortable meeting or hearing about another woman who has just spent six months out here with HER husband or boyfriend? How can that woman not feel some suspicion of what may have taken place? So the friendship is forsaken for the sake of a more important and enduring relationship, which leaves myself and my colleagues out in the cold.

I know many of my colleagues have committed as much of themselves to our role out here as I have and whilst I would not change it, it is painful to think that what we have given of ourselves will be locked away like some dirty little secret and on a personal level, we will be excluded from the lives of those we have grown to care about.

Reading Situations

How is it that when you are talking to someone else, it is so easy to read the situation they are in, analyse the facts and suggest actions with a fair amount of accuracy?  And yet, when it comes to your own personal circumstances, it is never, ever that simple.

Take the case of a friend of mine.  She has had quite strong feelings for another friend for a number of years, even at one point letting him know that she perhaps hopes for more from the relationship than he does.  She has been there for him through a few emotional upheavals and I know for a fact that she will continue to do so.  And yet, despite the fact that she knows full well that he is pursuing relationships with other women she continues to hope that one day he will see what is right before his eyes and realise that she is the one for him.  And all this despite the fact that he has never given her any indication that he feels anything more for her than friendship.

Why does this happen?  She is a fairly switched on woman, who has been through a lot and dealt with it.  She can help and advise other friends and always seems to hit the nail right on the head, but when it comes to her own personal relationships, she is an absolute mess.  Is there some underlying reason why she actively pursues relationships with no strings and continues to hold her heart in abeyance for the one man who is looking elsewhere?

It really fascinates me.  Like me, she is in a target rich environment, though probably not one that is conducive to building a lasting relationship.  Nevertheless, even when the opportunity presents itself, she still seems to sabotage herself, hiding behind a facade of nonchalance.

Which brings me back to masks.  I've realised I am actually still wearing a mask.  I do truly feeling joy in my life and I am making the most of many of the opportunities that come my way.  Mostly, I live life to the full and I've learnt to want what I have and appreciate it all to the full.  But there is one part of me that is locked away from the world at large.  That one part that if allowed out into the light of day could in fact, make my life complete or completely destroy everything I have worked so hard to achieve.

Sad isn't it?  Maybe one day I will be able to fully acknowledge that side of me, but I'm not quite ready yet.  Right now, I will just shelter the very core of myself and build a more stable foundation for a meaningful relationship in the future.