Ranting

Today I am having a rant.  I knew that my path to recovery was not going to be a smooth one and I thought I was prepared for those times when I slipped backwards.  However, it seems I was not.

I woke up yesterday crying.  And I just couldn’t stop!  I bullied myself and told myself that I had to get it together.  I tried telling myself that I could not allow Alex to do this to me again.  Not the physical stuff of course, but the mental anguish.  The anger, the despair, the feeling of uselessness.

In the end, I had to ring my boss and ask him to help me out.  For the first time in months, my problems directly affected my work and that just made me feel worse.

I wonder if this is something unique to me – I feel guilty for being upset and angry, then I feel even angrier and more upset because I feel guilty.  Because after all, this isn’t really my fault, is it?  Or so they say.  But that is just so hard to believe, let alone live.

And my boss was terrific.  He was supportive and kind, stepping up to the mark and taking control where I couldn’t.  Today, he arranged an appointment for me to see Occupational Health, in the hopes that there would be something they could do.  And stupidly, I allowed myself to be convinced that maybe at last someone would help.

What the hell was I thinking???  I have spent four months being referred from one agency to another, from my GP to a Medical Crisis team, back to my GP then to a Counseling Support Service.  Then guess what?  Back to my GP and on to a Mental Health Team.  And lucky me, back to my GP again!  No-one can help me.  It seems that because I am ‘functioning’ ie holding down a job I do not qualify for any help through the National Health Service!

Can someone please explain to me how that makes any sense?  On any level.  If I was living on benefits and not making any effort to try and sort out my life, I could get free counselling, psychotherapy and any other help I needed.  And to make matters worse, if the tables were turned and I was the sex offender, I would be put in jail, with a roof over my head, three squares meals a day, medical and dental treatment including mental health services all for free!  Is that why I am paying taxes?  To pay for men like Alex to get all the help that I need?

It’s ridiculous.  I mean, a realistic picture of what it would cost me to get the help that I so desperately need – firstly counselling.  I have been reliably formed by the Doctor employed by our organisation that I would need a minimum of  thirty to fifty sessions at a cost of approximately £40 per session.  Then there is the Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR).  Approximately 30 sessions at a cost of £100 each.  And about 50 sessions of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) costing £130 each.  I would need thousands of pounds to get the help that I need.

And yet, if Alex was locked up for what he did to me and my friends, he would be given access to all of these treatments at no cost to himself!  Is that fair?  Surely the world has gone mad when the perpetrator can access help for free, whilst his victims would have to scrape the money together and pay for it privately?

That is leaving out the Anger Management course.  Because I am angry!  Bloody angry!  Maybe if I just gave vent to my feelings and went on a rampage I could get myself locked up and would then qualify for the help I need.

Do I sound bitter?  You better bloody believe I am!  Really, really bitter and angry.  I am a decent human being and I am being left to rot whilst people who are supposedly being punished for their crimes are being helped.  And Alex?  He is just a bloody coward and is living the life of Reilly.  I hope for his sake that his path does not cross mine any time soon, because I can pretty much guarantee that I will qualify for all the help I need shortly thereafter!