The central issue for me right now is just how much to say to people. Will they understand when I cut them off? Will they realise that although talking about it does help, that talking needs to be in the right environment and to the right people? People who can help the survivor to develop coping strategies and ways to deal with the issues that arise because of talking about it.
I know that many survivors have come up against the issue of friends and family who want to help, maybe even feel the need to help. We get pushed this way and that by kind, well-meaning people who just cannot or will not understand that they aren’t helping. The conflicting emotions connected with being the victim of Child Sexual Abuse are hard enough to handle without having to deal with where to draw the line between a friend and a medical professional.
I recently had a conversation with a Doctor, not my own GP and was pleasantly surprised when he immediately grasped the fact that the involvement of my friends and colleagues was creating a situation that I just could not deal with. Just as I do not know how to handle my family who have turned against me, so too, I cannot handle friends and colleagues who want to support me.
It all goes hand in hand with the feeling of being valueless. When you don’t think you deserve someone’s help and support, it only leads to a further burden of guilt. Guilt because you feel that they are wasting their time and guilt because you are worthless. The urge to try any recommendation is hard – trying to please everyone. But the total inability to handle the inevitable disappointments then lead to bitterness and anger, misdirected at someone who is really only trying to help.
That is where medical professionals provide a necessary outlet. Yes, it is good to let it all out and talk about it, but it needs to be with someone who has a sound knowledge of all that is involved and an awareness of the ramifications. And of course, probably most importantly of all, no personal link to the survivor. They are there to do their job and although I would still feel guilty that I am taking up the time of someone who could be helping a needier person, I could talk myself around.
And that brings me back to where I started – how to explain to people that yes, it is wonderful that they want to help, but their help is not what I need. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I don’t even want their help.
There, I’ve said it at last. I don’t want their help. I don’t want their suggestions. I just want them to be my friends. Dealing with Child Sexual Abuse and it’s lasting effects is not something that can be done in a few weeks or even months. It takes years of professional support and therapy. Maybe in my case, that may never be available, but that is something I have to live with. Not everyone else, just me. And I am the one who has to find a way to deal with it.
I know I am not alone in feeling this way. The same thing comes up over and over again when I am talking to other survivors. We share our stories for two reasons – to protect others and to help other victims. From each other, we do not seek healing, but rather ways of dealing with what we are going through. From those who know. From those who have been there. The best coping strategies I have found so far have come from other survivors who have already been where I am now. And of course, sharing our common experiences gives us a sense of belonging, of not being oddities in an otherwise sane world.
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