You win!

Okay, you win.  I can’t seem to stop thinking about it.  I know what you did to me and I know what you made me do.  The thing is I know it wasn’t my fault now, but it has taken more than half my life to realise that.  I spent the first half blaming myself for what happened, for not telling anyone, for not stopping it from happening, but now I know it was you.  

And do you know what?  Now it’s even worse.  Now I am remembering it all and I can feel what you did.  You’re actually doing it to me all over again.  I’m overeating, I can’t concentrate, I dream about it every night and now I don’t want to sleep.  But I am so tired and I know that I need to sleep.

Just when I think you have gone, it kicks my insides again - the hurt and pain.  How could you do that to me.  How could you do that to a child.  I hate you.  I want to hurt you the way you hurt me.  I want you to know how it feels to be an innocent child and have it all taken away from you.  I want to take everything away from you. 

But this is where you really win.  I am absolutely powerless.  You have a family who will protect you, where mine failed to protect me from you.  You have people who care about you, while everyone just looks at me as though I am pathetic.  I can only see the pity in their eyes.

And you have your son, who worships you.  I have my sons too, but these days all they seem to have to do is take care of me, to make sure I am okay!   And I worry.  Do you still do this kind of thing?  Are you doing it to someone else now? 

Could you?  I have reported it, but it is so complicated.

And even though I know exactly what you did to me and that it was your fault, I am terrified of telling anyone too much.  Just little bits but not enough.  And I can’t say when it started or how many times it happened.  It’s all jumbled up.  I don’t even how you managed to get away with it and I still feel so ashamed of myself.  I hate myself.  When I look in the mirror all I see is someone dirty and all I feel is disgust.

I want to know why you picked me.  Did it just happen or did you deliberately target me and then move on to my friends from there?  Did you know that you could get what you wanted from me?  Did you decide to go for me because you knew I felt unloved?  Did you know that I would keep it all to myself?

So, you win.  I give up!