Looking to the Future

Finally, I find myself looking forward more than backwards. And at this point in my life that is a really good thing. My journey to discover who I am and what I actually have to offer to those around me has reached a point where I can actually see ahead and not hang on to the past. 

A new chapter!!  It's only months away!!  And strangely enough I am not nervous, just excited. I will be leaving a life that I have lived for three years, a lifestyle to which I have adjusted and become accustomed. The reality is that what I am going 'home' too is now unfamiliar. Social interactions will take place on an entirely different level and everyone's priorities will be worlds away from what I have become used to. 

And the eager anticipation I am feeling shows me, more than anything else, how far I have come. I believe now that I can achieve anything I set my mind and heart on. I know that I have a place in the world and a unique contribution to make. Instead of the experiences from my early childhood feeling like a burden, they now feel like something I can learn from and draw on to help others. I know that not everyone who went through what I did will react in the same way that I did, but I also know that there are so many similarities that I would have an advantage over others who rely entirely on book learning.

I can't say that I am going to turn into the best Therapist ever, but I believe in myself and know that I have something to offer to other victims. I know that I can help them to find their way through the guilt and feelings of worthlessness, to come out the other side, no longer a victim. And I can't wait. 

Generalisation and Objectivity

The last two days have been something I never, ever want to live through again. But sitting with my usual group of friends tonight, I realised how far the human race still has to go. When dreadful things happen, it is so easy to generalise and lose sight of the good in the people around us. We seem to lose all sense of objectivity and become judgemental. It's understandable, but it's so, so wrong.

We had an incident yesterday where good people were killed or injured and the impact it has had on our lives cannot be explained to anyone who has never been in this type of environment. I don't mean that to sound condescending – but it is true. The initial shock left us all reeling and not entirely sure where to turn. Many of my regulars turned to me for distraction and in a way, it was good for me, as it kept me busy and therefore stopped me from dwelling on things.

What I saw yesterday heartened me, as I watched people supporting and helping each other. Thoughts and prayers were sent to the victims families and in general, the best of human nature came out. I felt proud to be among them and honoured to be included.

Then today, the other side of our nature started to show. The situation sadly is not clear, we don't and probably won't ever have sufficient information. But people started to make assumptions and jump to conclusions. All of a sudden we seemed to forget all the wonderful people we have come to know, all the good we have seen in them, all the positive changes we have seen. The actions of one man grew to represent the make up of an entire nation. Our grief and anger clouded our judgement and all of a sudden we forgot that one person is hardly representative of a people. As has happened all over the world on many different occasions, the actions of a minority of people have overtaken the good in the rest of a nation. The expression 'cannot see the wood for the trees' springs to mind and eloquently expresses what I am finding it so hard to say.

One man took up arms and destroyed the lives of other's and now we are struggling to see the fact that his actions were just that – HIS ACTIONS. But as the hurt and anger engulfs us, we are losing sight of that and somehow, we have to fight our tendency to generalise.

The pain will last for a while, I know and I am pretty sure the anger will too, but I just hope that we can see our way through this, without making judgements that harm those who don't deserve it. We cannot blame a group of people for the actions of one among them.

To end this post, I would just like to send out thoughts and prayers specifically to the friends and families of those who lost their lives or were injured in Afghanistan yesterday, Tuesday 5^th August 2014 and generally to all who have suffered as a result of wars and conflicts in the past. I can't say it any better, so I quote 'We will remember them'.

Positivity

Over the last few days, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how my entire mindset has changed over the last few years. Back before I reached the point when I believed that my life was a burden to myself and to those around me, I somehow failed to see or appreciate the positive aspects of my life. Now it seems that the reverse is true and for this I am truly thankful. Whereas before, all that I had been through overwhelmed me and stole my entire focus, I now actually find myself searching out the positive in every situation, no matter how bad. And amazingly enough, to me anyway, every situation has a positive side. You just have to take the time to find it.

To see how massive the effect of this mindset is, I look at the examples of two close friends. Both have been through some pretty rough times, lost loved ones and sunk into that dark place where there just doesn't seem to be any hope. But the way they have dealt with it is completely opposite. One found her way to the positive side, waking up each day and searching out the things that she could be grateful for. She lives her life focussing on the positives. This is not to say that there aren't any negatives in her life, but she chooses to look the other way. As a result, she has a full and happy life, with a large circle of friends who genuinely care about her and love spending time in her company.

On the opposite side, my other friend is almost entirely focussed on the negative things in her life. And she has spiralled out of control. Depression has a grip on her and her life seems to be a constant struggle. Many of her friends have had to take a step back from her. I know that sounds awful, but it is a sad fact. Negativity has a downward affect on those who come into contact with it. As friends, we have tried everything we can think of to help her deal with things, but to no avail. So to protect ourselves, we have had to excuse ourselves from her life. Her total focus on the negative side of her life is not only isolating her from those who care about her, but it is also preventing her from seeing the positives.

I know how hard it is to alter a negative mindset, but I am also aware that you have to want to do it. Acknowledging that the negativity is a problem is the first step and that is then followed by the necessity to be willing to make the effort. It doesn't just happen and takes time and perseverance, but eventually it becomes a habit.

No matter what the situation now, I find it easier and easier to find the positive side. It also helps that I firmly believe that you cannot fully appreciate the good stuff without the bad. Just like the night sky – the stars would not look half as beautiful if the sky wasn't so dark – you don't see them during the day do you? But they are still there.

Endings

Last night I couldn't sleep. It had suddenly dawned on me that my life is rapidly approaching a major change and the environment in which I have thrived over the last few years is about to be ripped away. And this got me to thinking about my past, my present and my future. What lies ahead, I wonder? Can I continue to grow once I am back in the real world? Because really, this place is a long, long way from reality.

During my time here in the sand, I have lived in a world where we are forcibly thrust together and have very little choice but to get along with each other. Those who fail to do so, don't last very long. And of course, the ever present risk only heightens our perceptions of the relationships that we form, giving us a false sense of closeness.

And sadly, I have realised that it is false. Not in the sense that we don't really care about each other, because we do. But it's false because once we are removed back to our home countries, it evaporates. Not deliberately, but through necessity. There is just no way for our loved one's who have not experienced this environment, how things are just so completely different here, to understand. I have made so many friends out here, from different walks of life and from countries spread across the world. But because of where we are and the reasons we are here, the relationships can only exist here.

How can a man explain to his wife that he has formed a strong friendship with another woman, without her feeling threatened by what they have shared? I'm not talking in any sexual sense of course, but when you have been forced together for six months or more, in a very close and sometimes dangerous environment, the links you form are different to those that you would develop in the real world. We depend on each other for so much more than just casual conversation. I have learned so much about the lives of the men and women I have met and spent time with out here, things that would not ordinarily be shared with those outside our family networks. Over the months, we spend hours talking about our lives, experiences and loved ones. It brings them closer to us all and helps us get through the day.

But I do not doubt for one second that only a few of them will return home and tell their wives and loved ones about me and my colleagues. In a way, I am more than a little jealous of my younger colleagues who tend to develop friendships with people their own age and by dint of that, people who do not have loved ones at home who would be threatened by the relationships. To be clear I am talking about spouses and partners.

What woman would feel comfortable meeting or hearing about another woman who has just spent six months out here with HER husband or boyfriend? How can that woman not feel some suspicion of what may have taken place? So the friendship is forsaken for the sake of a more important and enduring relationship, which leaves myself and my colleagues out in the cold.

I know many of my colleagues have committed as much of themselves to our role out here as I have and whilst I would not change it, it is painful to think that what we have given of ourselves will be locked away like some dirty little secret and on a personal level, we will be excluded from the lives of those we have grown to care about.

Reading Situations

How is it that when you are talking to someone else, it is so easy to read the situation they are in, analyse the facts and suggest actions with a fair amount of accuracy?  And yet, when it comes to your own personal circumstances, it is never, ever that simple.

Take the case of a friend of mine.  She has had quite strong feelings for another friend for a number of years, even at one point letting him know that she perhaps hopes for more from the relationship than he does.  She has been there for him through a few emotional upheavals and I know for a fact that she will continue to do so.  And yet, despite the fact that she knows full well that he is pursuing relationships with other women she continues to hope that one day he will see what is right before his eyes and realise that she is the one for him.  And all this despite the fact that he has never given her any indication that he feels anything more for her than friendship.

Why does this happen?  She is a fairly switched on woman, who has been through a lot and dealt with it.  She can help and advise other friends and always seems to hit the nail right on the head, but when it comes to her own personal relationships, she is an absolute mess.  Is there some underlying reason why she actively pursues relationships with no strings and continues to hold her heart in abeyance for the one man who is looking elsewhere?

It really fascinates me.  Like me, she is in a target rich environment, though probably not one that is conducive to building a lasting relationship.  Nevertheless, even when the opportunity presents itself, she still seems to sabotage herself, hiding behind a facade of nonchalance.

Which brings me back to masks.  I've realised I am actually still wearing a mask.  I do truly feeling joy in my life and I am making the most of many of the opportunities that come my way.  Mostly, I live life to the full and I've learnt to want what I have and appreciate it all to the full.  But there is one part of me that is locked away from the world at large.  That one part that if allowed out into the light of day could in fact, make my life complete or completely destroy everything I have worked so hard to achieve.

Sad isn't it?  Maybe one day I will be able to fully acknowledge that side of me, but I'm not quite ready yet.  Right now, I will just shelter the very core of myself and build a more stable foundation for a meaningful relationship in the future.

Fact vs Opinion

Today I am absolutely seething.  A little message for those that read this blog - if you don't like it, don't read it!!  When you see the link on someone else's Facebook (because you aren't on mine), don't click on it!!  It's that simple.

And just in case that one person is reading this - you have an opinion, I have facts as I believe them.  Don't let it confuse you!

To clarify, I posted a blog entry onto my Facebook yesterday, as well as sharing a couple of posts that spoke to me personally.  In no way did I mention any names, nor drop any hints as to the identity of the person who I claim sexually abused me as a child.  I named him once on my Facebook, years ago now, but since then I have stuck to non de plumes whenever I have referred to what happened.

However, one person took it upon herself to click on the link to my blog (which must have appeared on someone else's Facebook, since she is not connected to mine) and read yesterday's post.  She then proceeded to take offence and send me a most offensive and disrespectful message.

To her and any other's who may feel as she does - I write this blog for a number of reasons, not least of which because it helps me.  I have also, through the blog, made contact with other victims, survivors and friends and family of victims and survivors.  Sharing my experiences with them helps them and me in ways other people could probably never understand.  I have had a few people I know come up to me, after reading a blog post and open up to me about their own experiences.  I have had messages asking for help from family and friends of victims.  What I have shared on here has helped them to identify some of what their loved ones are going through.  

And let's just get one things straight - what I write on here is my story!  It is the facts as I see them, from my point of view and yes, with my bias.  He has never, ever responded to my accusations; not to deny or confirm.  He has in fact, completely blocked me from every facet of his life.  Additionally, when I publicly acknowledged what happened to me, I did not do it lightly.  When I named him, I though about it long and hard first.  It was very hard for me to do and I was fully aware of all that I stood to lose.  Believe me, I lost members of my family with whom I was very close.  One in fact who was my closest link to my Mother.  It tore me apart, but it was something I realised that I had to do.  There was just no way other for me to move on with my life and protect myself and my sons from the actions I may take if I continued to keep the abuse a secret.

It is just too easy when noone knows what you are going through to build a wall around your true feelings and keep them hidden.  In fact, it is easier in a way.  Confronting what happened to me was one of the hardest things I have ever done and admitting it to people made me feel less than worthless and dirty.  There are still times when I feel less than those around me, but those times are becoming fewer.  I will not deny that sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change what happened to me, but then I think it through and realise that I like who I am now and don't want to be anyone else.  So I embrace my past and use it to build my future.

As to him??  I don't know what goes through his head.  I have no idea whether he ever thinks back to what he did to me and my friends and feels guilty.  Does he ever contemplate making an apology or even acknowledging us?  Will he ever stand up and make himself accountable for his actions?  Yes, that is what I want, but my happiness no longer depends on it.  I would like it to happen, but I don't need it.  I can't speak for his other surviving victim and obviously it is too late for the other.  

I can only hope that in even a small way, I can take my experiences and use them to help other's who are going through the things I did.  My future is not yet written, but if I have my way, I will only grow stronger and stronger.

And again I stress - what I write are facts according to my recollection.  I cannot prove any of it and chances are he will never be made accountable for nor even acknowledge what he did.  So believe me or don't, that is your choice, but please remember - you have an opinion only and you do not have the right to use it to abuse me further.  I will not stand for it, nor will I allow it to affect me for more than a short time, before I move on with my life.

Reflections

Working in a place that allows me a lot of time to think is proving quite invaluable.  I am now really starting to get to grips with the things that are and have been going on in my head.

Yes, that part of me that tried to end it all is still there, but the newer part and now the stronger part keeps that side of me in check.  I am still angry at him and still a little bitter at what he stole from me.  I don't think that will ever change.  But realising that I cannot change what happened to me in my past, I now embrace the changes that it made in my life.

Saying that, I realise that parts of my personality in fact contradict my past.  I suppose you could call me quite brazen and open and those are not generally traits that are associated with survivors of Child Sexual Abuse.  I will openly admit that my life as it is now suits my outlook and expectations.  I no longer strive to find that 'perfect' relationship nor seek to find someone with whom I can share my life on a permanent basis.  And yet that is totally contrary to the accepted mindset of a victim or survivor.

I spent so many years looking for love, and because of the abuse, associating love with sex.  Now I believe that the two are in fact mutually exclusive and either of them can be enjoyed and celebrated without the other.  There are so many types of love, familial and romantic being the main ones and I draw my gratification on that front from the love of my family and friends.  And as I stand now, I am satisfied with that and don't seek anything more.

As to the other, my years out here in Afghanistan have given me a totally new perspective.  Being able to enjoy the pleasures of the human body without feelings of shame or guilt and without feeling the need to pursue a 'relationship' has been liberating.  And in a way, I think that has contributed a lot to my healing process.  I'm sure some people would view that as shameful, but I no longer feel the need to hide who I am or what I want.  If anyone doesn't like it, I realise that it is actually their problem, not mine.  How different is that outlook from what I expressed only a few years ago??

This new phase of my life is bringing so many unexpected experiences and I finally feel truly able to embrace whatever life brings my way.  I honestly have no idea what the future holds and yes, I do hope that it includes him finally facing the consequences of his actions.  But I am not going to hold my breath and my future happiness certainly doesn't rest on it happening.  I live with my burdens and I am sure he lives with his.  I can only hope that he is aware of the amount of suffering he has inflicted on those of us that he chose to abuse.  And I hope that he sees that he no longer has a hold over me or my life.

Connections

“For all the artifice of the modern world, for all the smart phones, tablets and gadgets, we're no more connected now than we have ever been. If anything, we may have become more disconnected, thanks to the technologies that circumscribe our digital existence. Social media which assigns our friends a number and not a value, automated machines which keep us from interacting with human beings, passwords and ciphers which codify and compartmentalise our very identities.

But what good are these wonders of technology if they keep us running at such a fast pace, so busy that we risk missing what is right in front of our eyes? Because the true value of human endeavour lies not in feats of science, not in the push of a button or the blink of an eye, but in connecting with other people.”

I recently typed up this speech after hearing it on one of my favourite daytime TV programmes. It opened my eyes to something that I have never really thought about before and actually highlighted what could be viewed as a danger to people who are trying to deal with issues in their lives. Whilst I will never deny that today's technologies improve our lives - keeping us in touch with far flung friends and family, allowing us to access and control areas of our finances and businesses previously closed to us, enabling us to study and learn more about the world around us at the click of a mouse – it has also erected a barrier between us and those who are a part of our lives.

One thing I love is the simple hug. Such a small thing, but so powerful. Or seeing the smile in someone's eyes when they bump in to you unexpectedly. A gentle touch, saying I am right here and willing to have you in my personal space. Talking to someone, face to face and knowing that you have their attention and they are not tapping away halfheartedly at the keyboard whilst actually focusing on something else that you cannot see. Are we losing that?

And if we take this a step further, where does that leave us when it comes to our relationships with the young people in our lives? How easy will it be for them to hide the things in their lives that they are afraid to share with us? How simple will it be for them to disguise the way they are really feeling when all we see are their carefully considered words, with nothing to show their true emotions?

I spent so many years hiding how I was truly feeling from those who knew me. And looking back now, social media had a large role to play in that. I recall on one occasion chatting to a family member online, apparently happy, joking and laughing, whilst in fact I was hiding from my boys in my bedroom, sobbing. I didn't want anyone to know what I was feeling and the internet in particular provided the perfect protection and even disguise.

I remember after my suicide attempt, a good friend apologising for the fact that she did not realise how I had been feeling. Now I look back and can see how I used the internet as a shield which still allowed me to seem to communicate with everyone, whilst hiding away and building my strength back up to face the world outside, hidden by my disguise.

We are slowly but surely allowing today's technologies to distance us from those around us, without even realising it. And I am suddenly afraid of how dangerous this could prove to be. We were given five senses for a reason and when they work together they are unimaginably powerful, not only to give, but to also to receive. Maybe it's time we all took a step back and took a good look at what we are throwing away. Maybe we need to evaluate our usage of social media and the impact it is having on how we interact with those in our lives and take action before it is too late and we forget just how important it is to spend time with each other without some piece of technology stopping us making a proper connection.

Wake Up Call

The last few weeks have acted like something of a wake up call for me.  A number of things have happened that have either triggered or highlighted memories and feelings that I thought were no longer a part of my life. Not for a second have I started to backslide, but I think that I have a more realistic view of where I am in my life.

I have dealt with so much of my past and come to terms with what happened, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen and doesn't affect me or my life.  That is something that I hadn't really acknowledged until recently.  It is so easy when things are going smoothly to forget that a major panic attack or a backslide are only really just one step behind me, poised to sink their claws back into me.  And funnily enough, although I am now more alert to it, it doesn't really upset me.  I really would have thought that learning this would have caused me to back slide, but in fact it has served to strengthen my determination and resolve.

There is so much in my life now that helps to point the way for me.  Friends, first and foremost.  People from my past who I would never have thought to turn to have shown themselves to be the most amazing and supportive people.  Other friends from my past have proved that they are exactly what I thought they always were.  New friends who have shown me who I want to be, given me something to strive for and been there for me when I needed them.

I'm not for one second saying that I didn't have this in the past, but I was not in a place to see or appreciate them.  I'm not making excuses, but I was so wrapped up in the pain I just couldn't.  Now, a few years down the line and I cannot believe how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life.  I wish I could name them on here, but that would not be fair on them.  Maybe they don't even realise how much they have done for me.  

There are a few I have told just how much they have done for me, but some probably don't realise.  A good, longstanding friend who I view more as a sister than a friend; a wonderful woman who, although I met her online, has shared many of my experiences and in fact even spent some time in the town where I grew up; a friend I met in Afghanistan, whose beautiful nature calms and uplifts me; a friend I met online who was there for me, whether he realised it or not; a woman from the town where I grew up, who I thought would turn her back on me when I came out with the truth, like most of those from her generation did, but who to this day has proved to be supportive and caring; a new friend who shares a love of the theatre with me and who herself has been through hard times and has inspired me.  These are just a few of the amazing people in my life, but they are most definitely the core that have helped me to get to where I am now.

And because of them, I am all the more determined to keep myself on track.  The nightmare that is behind me can stay right there - behind me!

Supporting others

I tried to get through to a friend today who is also suffering from Depression and I think I failed.  In fact, I think I may have alienated her altogether.  What is it about this insidious disease that makes it so hard for the sufferer to see what is actually happening to them?  Is it maybe a symptom of the disease?  And it got me thinking about Depression and the process a sufferer has to go through to survive it.

First of all, remember, I suffer from Chronic Depression.  It is never going to go away and for the rest of my life I will have to deal with it and fight it on a daily basis.  This is something I have now come to accept and though I sometimes find myself wishing it was otherwise, I generally just deal with it.  My first diagnosis of Depression was back in the early 90's.  My 'second' was about five years later, third in 2002 and again in 2007 when my parents died.  However, it wasn't until 2010 that I received the diagnosis of Chronic Depression.  Initially, I was devastated by this news, but now I have come to terms with it.  I accept that it is a part of me that I need to manage and care for.  And one thing I have learnt after all these years of going through it is that ultimately, I am in control.

The first step is obviously to take my medication.  Just like my diabetes, I cannot fight this illness without medical intervention.  Funnily enough, it is easier to remember to take my medication when I am at low points.  I suspect that this is because when I have clear symptoms they act as a reminder, whereas when I am coping well, there is nothing to bring it to my mind.  But I have developed different strategies to deal with this, such as marking the packages of medication with days so that I know when I have or haven't taken my daily dose.  And of course, keeping my medication where I will see it each morning when I wake up.  It doesn't always work and there are days when I forget, but most of the time I stay on course.

The next step is the one that I now find easier, probably because it has now become a part of who I am.  I look for the positive in everything.  I've come to realise that no matter what happens, if there is a negative, then there is always a positive.  If I focus on the negative, I am going to sink and that happened at the end of last year.  An indication of how far I've come became  clear when I quickly realised what was happening and took control.  Yes, I got support from Medical Professionals, but the first step had to be mine.

And that brings me back to my discussion with my friend today.  I tried to get across to her that the cure to her Depression is in her own hands.  She needs to take control of what has happened before anyone can help her.  And as the discussion progressed, it brought back to me my own reluctance to accept that I could control how I was feeling.  And reinforced my gratitude to the friends who supported me and pushed me in the right direction.  I can see how hard it must have been to maintain that pressure and not lose patience with my stubbornness.  And I know that I have it within me to persevere with my friend, provided she allows me to.  I won't give up - who knows better than me what a dreadful disease Depression is and how it can make it so hard to see what is right in front of you.

I am just so happy that I have got a handle on it now and I just hope that I can use what I have learned to help a friend in need.

Repercussions

Well, I'm home on holiday and thoroughly enjoying being with my family again, but one thing has been brought home to me.  Pretty hard in fact. When I made the decision to reveal what had happened to me as a child and named my abuser publicly, I knew that I would lose a part of my family.  And for the most part I have lived happily with that decision.

Okay, maybe not happily, but I have accepted that they have cut me out of their lives and can fully understand why.  But there are times that I wish things could be different.

This weekend for example.  I have not seen much of my eldest son for the last year or so, as between us we have worked away from home for much of that time.  So it was with great happiness that I found out he would be home at the same time as me.  And I got a great deal of pleasure out of spending a week with him, before he returned to work.  Then I found out he was off this weekend and immediately assumed he would come home.  However, instead he chose to go and spend the weekend with a part of the family that has cut me off.  And like an idiot, I encouraged him.

I made my choices and went through what I did, but at the end of the day, the only people who know the truth of what happened are 'Alex' and me.  Everyone else has had to make a decision based on whether they believe me or not.  And obviously, his family will believe he is innocent.  That is to be expected, unless of course he decided to do the right thing and admit it, which is never going to happen.  So that leaves me out in the cold where they are concerned.

But that does not change the fact that I was close to his parents for most of my life and the way I feel about them has not changed.  His mother, in particular has not had a good few years and to my mind, if I cannot be there to support her, the least I can do is let her spend time with my boys, who were just as close to her as I was.  So I actively encouraged him to go and see her, sacrificing my own chance to see him.  And now I am feeling just a teensy bit bitter.  And blaming myself.

Should I maybe just have kept my mouth closed and lived with it in silence?  The damage I have done to familial relationships is irreversible and I seem to be the one on the losing end.  It just doesn't seem fair.  I have lost family that I truly cared about and I can't help but wonder if they still care about me, even just a little.

I know I will probably never get answers to these questions, just as I will probably never get any form of acknowledgement or apology from 'Alex'.  And I know I need to accept it.  And mostly I have.  But there are always those times when I sit and think 'If only I'd kept quiet'.  

And then I look at where I am now and who I have become and I know I did the right thing.

Support

I wonder why it is that most people love being there for their friends and colleagues in times of need, but yet when we are the one's who need the support, we feel as though we are a burden and don't deserve it?  We will readily offer someone we care about a shoulder to cry on, but are reluctant to do the reverse?

I've had two friends and colleagues today who I've noticed are in a bad place emotionally.  Both of them have been there for me in the past when I've needed them, but neither thought to come to me in their time of need.  In fact, both of them didn't want to burden anyone else with their problems.

It's even harder out here for civilians too.  When we are under stress at work or suffering emotionally, especially when we are saying goodbye to people we've become close to, we try to handle it on our own.  I have heard the phrase, 'Yes but there are people going through much worse things out here' so many times, I've lost count.  We do, as civilians tend to shoulder a much bigger burden and grin and bear it a lot more than those living in 'regular' places.

For example, when we are ill or in pain, it takes a lot for us to visit the Med Centre.  Speaking for myself, I find it hard to turn up at the Med Centre, complaining of a sore wrist or a sore back when I think of what the Medical teams out here deal with on a daily basis.  It's even harder going to them about feeling low or stressed when we consider what most of the guys and girls out here go through.  How can we admit to not coping when all we do is work in shops and coffee shops?  We fail to realise that pain and suffering or symptoms of stress are personal to us, and cannot really be compared to what anyone else is going through.  

And we forget that most people would get a sense of personal satisfaction from helping us to feel better, just as we would if the roles were reversed.  It is only the most insensitive of people who would consider us less deserving of help and support and their opinion shouldn't really matter to any thinking person.  All of us out here are in a very challenging environment and deserve as much love and support as we need.  Now, if only I could not just say that, but believe it and convince those around me to believe it too.

Realisations

Quite an unusual day today and I spent quite a lot of time contemplating what has happened in my life.  But it wasn't until later in the day that I had something of an epiphany.  Not sure whether that is the right word to use in this context, but at the moment it is the best I can come up with.

I was sitting outside in the smoking area, along with a couple of colleagues and a number of men from our camp.  One young man in particular was having a discussion with one of our girls about events in his past and how they have affected his life today.  His words, 'I want to go back and change what I did' struck quite a chord with me.  I have spent so many years wishing that I could go back and change what happened to me.  And yet tonight, for the first time ever, I realised that is no longer what I want.

It sounds strange, I know, so let me try and explain.

I am who I am today, because of all that I have been through and how it has affected me.  My new love of life and confidence stems from my experiences since my 'attempt'.  I am finally happy with who I am and accept my past as part and parcel of that whole person.  Yes, the pain I have suffered through the years was hard to bear, for me and for those around me.  But looking at where and who I am today,  it was worth it.

So a piece of advice for anyone reading this - accept your past.  The good, the bad and the downright painful.  Every little part of it builds the person you are and I firmly believe that the harder your past, the stronger you will ultimately become.  Embrace the pain, know that it will pass and don't be too busy bemoaning your fate, that you miss the strength that is growing within you.

Saying Goodbye

It's that time of year again in the 'Stan - RIP.  RIP stands for Relief in Place, which is the process whereby the next the military serving here are replaced with fresh troops.  As always, I can't go into too much detail, although the information is freely available on the Internet if you want to look it up.

Needless to say, though, this is a hard time for me and a lot of others who work here permanently.  Even though I vow each time that I will not get attached to the new batch, in no time at all I have generally 'adopted' a few of them.  I find it difficult, as a mother, to distance myself emotionally from these young men and women who have given up their lives to serve their country.  To me they are special and inspiring.  When you strip away all the bravado and banter, you always find an honourable and amazing young person.  How many people can honestly say that they would gamble with their own lives to protect or improve the lives of others, because ultimately, that is what these people do out here - everyday!!

I suppose it is because I hold them in such high esteem and of course, also because many of them are younger than my own sons, I get pretty close to them and I can genuinely say that I care about them and their welfare.  So when the time comes to say goodbye, it is with very mixed feelings.  

On the one hand I am so happy for them.  They are going home, safe and sound, to their friends and families.  They are returning to their normal, more comfortable and decidedly safer lives.  But on the other hand, I feel almost heartbroken.  I have to accept that although we may have become really close, the environment out here enhances everything, including relationships and once they return to their normal lives, I will probably never hear from them again. 

Don't get me wrong, I understand that and I don't blame them at all.  But it doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye and watch them walk away.  I will hold back the tears and enjoy the moments we have, especially those who specifically look me up before they leave.  And I will wish them well and pray that they have long, happy and productive lives.

Lost in Translation

Having lived most of my life in a country where people spoke different languages, I've always accepted without question that sometimes it is necessary to explain words in different contexts to those whose first language is not English.  However, until I came to the 'Stan, it never occurred to me that I would encounter difficulties with those who also speak English, but who come from another English speaking country.

We work in a challenging environment out here.  The job that I do is not, in itself, particularly challenging, but sometimes the requests and/or comments I receive from customers leave me absolutely speechless or in fits of giggles.  For example, today a lovely customer asked me what was in our Freshly Squeezed Orange juice...  To be clear here, the gentleman was actually standing at the counter, watching one of the staff making the orange juice as he asked the question.  I know it was wrong, but I told him 'Apples'!!  And he didn't bat an eyelid.  Me, I had to rush to the office and hide for a few minutes whilst I regained my composure.

Yesterday, it was a question on a whole different level.  A gentleman came up to me as I counted stock, with one of the pillows that we sell.  The pillows have been vacuum packed and expand to their proper size once the seal is broken.  This fellow however, had obviously not come across this method of storage before and asked if we sold the pumps for the pillows.  I really must be quite evil, as I told him that we didn't have them in stock, but they had one at the QM's department on a neighbouring camp.  He thanked me and proceeded to the till where he happily purchased his vacuum packed pillow.  I would so love to have been in the QM's when he asked to borrow the pump!!

And then there was the lovely gentlemen who came to us complaining that our internet was not working.  Being part of the welfare package out here, one of the services we provide is half an hour's free wifi internet for every purchase.  Said gentleman had been trying to connect to the wifi, but failed.  To try and get to the root of the problem, I asked him if there was any message coming up when he tried to sign in.  He checked, came back to the counter and his exact words were 'It's saying connection failed due to sun spot activity.  Can you help?'.  My acting experience came in very handy as I kept a straight face and replied 'Just hold on a second.  I will nip out the back to my rocket and try and sort it out for you'.  And he very politely answered 'Thank you Maam' and returned to his table.  I really didn't know whether to laugh, cry or just carry on as though nothing had happened.  My colleague on the other hand proceeded rapidly to the office to hide.

I could go on listing some of the most amazing questions we have been asked.  The part that never ceases to amaze me though is the fact that most of them come from people who grew up in an English speaking country.  I would never complain though - it certainly brightens up our day.

Adaptability

I was sitting in my bedspace earlier, listening to the sound of gunfire and explosions and it dawned on me yet again just how adaptable we, as humans, actually are.  This was never more obvious to me than it was yesterday evening.

I was sitting with a colleague, waiting for transport to get from the American camp to our camp on the British side.  As we talked, the two of us were gazing at the beautiful spectacle of flares in the sky and tracking the red streaks of tracer rounds.  This of course accompanied by the sound of automatic gunfire and the almost continuous drone of helicopters entering and leaving the area.  We looked toward each other at the same time and both burst out laughing as we realised that we were enjoying the beauty of something that most people would find intimidating.  We now accept as normal what others would deem unusual.

Not so long ago, just over a year in fact, seeing someone carrying a weapon was cause for a second glance.  Now, that is the norm.  Rather, it is the one not carrying a weapon that we stare at, deciding whether they have just arrived or are about to leave.  A weapon on a table, pointing in your direction is no longer a cause for concern - even those who find it uncomfortable would just push the barrel aside, albeit gingerly.  Walking around the smoking areas or through the cookhouse, we don't even stop to think as we step around the weapons lying on the ground, daring you to trip over them in a moment of inattention.

The sound of air traffic, gunfire and flares no longer distracts me from what I am doing.  I no longer hear a bang and pause for a second to consider what it might be, momentarily flinching and ready to drop to the ground.  I just go on with my life, secure in the fact that if it was anything unusual, the alarms would be sounding.  And even that has now become something less than worrying.  

It just goes to show that we can adjust to anything out of the ordinary, given enough time.  In an ideal world, it wouldn't be necessary but we live in an ever changing world, where some places are less hospitable than others.  All we need to do is accept the differences and acceptance follows.  If only we could apply this to other areas of our lives, such as this differences between people from other parts of the world and other cultures, wouldn't our world be a much better place?

Human Nature

Well, today I had my faith in human nature restored, or more specifically, my belief in the fundamental goodness that resides within my colleagues.  We had a bit of an incident this evening, where something pretty important went missing.  To start with, there was the usual finger pointing and everyone trying to apportion blame.  Noone really wanted to accept responsibility for the loss and there was a great deal of confusion.  Once the original panic subsided, my colleagues then started to rationally track the movement of the missing items throughout the day.  It was eventually established that the chain broke at a specific staff member.

Yet again, we moved back to passing the buck and some stepping back shrugging.  Eventually, however we realised that the items were definitely missing and action needed to be taken.  And this was where my colleagues showed what I believe to be their true colours.  

Obviously, I cannot talk about specifics on here, as that would lead to further complications, so please forgive me for going about this in such an indirect manner.

So back to what happened.  One colleague was needed to return to our place of work to search for the items.  He had been asleep, as he has a particularly early start in the morning, but was woken up to verify that he did not have the items.  He willing returned to his bedspace to dress and whilst he was changing the staff members who had so far become involved stepped up to the plate.  Instead of heading for their own beds, bearing in mind that by this time it was pretty late, they one by one decided to return to work and help in the search.  They didn't need to do this, but they willingly sacrificed their time to support each other.  

Once the search began, each and every one of them did their part.  Although there was some complaining which would be expected, they all pulled their weight and did everything they could.  I felt so proud to be a part of it and it showed me again why I love it out here.  There are days when the petty complaining really gets to me and I wonder what has become of the good nature that I know resides within all people, but then something like this happens and I see the beauty that I always look for.  

Six of us went back to work tonight, one out of necessity and the others because they chose to show their support to a valued colleague.  I have never felt so proud to work with this group of people as I do now.

A New Chapter

Well, I have finally come to a decision.  Over the last few weeks, months even, I have been debating ending off this blog and starting a new one to mark the new chapter in my life.  Then it finally struck me – this is a new chapter, not a new book!  Who I am now and what I do is directly as a result of who I was and what I have been through.  It is, in fact, all part of the same journey.

So, here goes.  This is the beginning of a new part of 33 years later.  More appropriately I suppose it is in fact 35 years later, but that is merely numbers.  I am still the same person in many ways and all that I am is wrapped up in my past.  To those who read my blog with an interest in understanding or sharing my past, I am sorry.  There will probably be references to that past, but my mindset now is more about moving on and the future and this is what I intend to share.

First of all though, some explanation.  Because of where I work and who I work for, I will have to change certain facts.  Basically, I work in a shop in a war zone.  I cannot name where nor can I name my employers, but I’m pretty sure many will work it out for themselves.  But rest assured, none of the information that I share will in any way endanger those around me.  I will be extremely careful about that.  Where I refer to specific people and incidents, I will make minor cosmetic changes to protect identities, but I will not dramatise or enhance events for effect.

Some incidents I describe may be sad, some happy, but I hope overall that what I will build is a picture of how my life has moved on and who I have become.  And it is all thanks to Alex.

Which came first?

I have noticed something really interesting today.  I’ve been aware for a long time that many people seem to find me easy to talk to and confide to in, but never really gave it too much thought.  If I am honest, it’s probably because a situation has never arisen before, where the information that has been confided to me should really have been discussed with someone else.  And that got me thinking.  Somehow, I must send out some sort of signal that makes me seem more approachable and the question this raises for me is this – have I always been approachable and that is part of how I ended up a victim, or has this part of me developed because of all that I have been through.

To me, it’s a really interesting question and one that, because I have come so far over the last few years, I can actually face and mull over without getting mired in the ‘why me’s’ and ‘what if’s’. 

So I wonder, has this approachable part of me always existed?  And if it has, was that what made me prey to Alex’s attentions?  Is there a facet of my personality/make up that rendered me susceptible to the abuse?  And if so, is there any way that I could take that knowledge and use it to help others who would otherwise not have a clue.  Because really, being approachable is a good thing.  It enables others with burdens the chance to offload on someone else.

On the other hand, does this part of me exist because I was a Victim?  Is it because of the trials I have survived that has brought out this part of me?  And then, does that not mean that something good has come out of something terrible?  Do I in fact owe Alex a strange kind of thank you?  Because I love it when people come to me when they need someone to talk to.  I love the fact that people who don’t really know me very well find it easy to confide in me.  And it gives me even more reason to go on and adds to my self confidence and sense of self worth.

Either way, what Alex did to me robbed me of so much, but as I have healed, it seems that I have got back what he stole with interest.  Because I have been in such a terrible place I can better appreciate the things that to others would seem small and inconsequential.  I was talking to a friend the other day and the words I spoke have stayed with me ever since.  These days I appreciate the bad things in my life because without the darkness, we would be unable to appreciate the light.  The dark night sky only serves to draw our attention to the beauty of the stars.

And so it is in my life.  I can look back on my life and it makes me appreciate even more, all that I now have.

Musings and ramblings

Who would have thought that coming to work in a war zone would introduce me to other Survivors!!  It seems so strange to me that I came out here to help myself heal and whilst that has happened, I have also met up with other Survivors and have been able to help them on their path to recovery.

It was not something that even crossed my mind when I applied for this job and when I shared my blog on Facebook I never thought that any of my new friends and colleagues would be affected by my posts.  Yet this is exactly what has happened.

The first approach was not a complete surprise if I am honest.  I had already got to know the person involved, but had never been in the situation where I was able to question them about their past.  But I just got that feeling.  Something like recognising parts of myself in someone else and knowing where those parts originated and how they came about.  The revelation that this person was also a Victim raised mixed feelings in me of course.  Firstly sadness that here was another person who’d had their childhood stolen, then happiness that my blog had given them the strength they needed to talk about what had happened to them.  Because being able to share our pain is really important.  We all experience it differently, but it is nice to know we aren’t alone.

The second person was a shock at first, but once I had reflected on it, so much made sense.  Isn’t it funny how sometimes things are staring us straight in the face, but for whatever reason, we just don’t see it.

But since then, I have become firm friends with both of these people and it has only added to my belief that I really am helping by working out here.  Maybe not in any big ways, but a little at a time.  And my determination to keep working on this blog has been reinforced.

So, to those who follow it, I am sorry that I have been so erratic in my postings over the last few months.  My new environment has been very distracting and I admit, that as I have healed myself, I haven’t felt the need to post as strongly as I did before.  But I can now see how selfish that is and will make every effort to mend my ways.  My healing continues, and hopefully by sharing it with you I can reach out to others who will be helped by my ramblings.