Am I a victim?

As time went on and the abuse continued, more and more I began to wonder if maybe I was a victim.  Maybe I was not the one who was doing something wrong.  I swung from one extreme to the other, feeling totally blameless and then totally responsible.  I was only a child but was trying to deal with adult behaviour, totally incapable of understanding what was happening or why.

I tried to draw out my mother, by asking leading questions, but instead of answers was met with anger.  These were not things to be discussed!  Apparently I was far too young to talk about them or know what was involved.  I pressed a bit harder and was eventually given a book and instructed to read it on my own.  The famous ‘birds and the bees’ bit.  I mean, that was a sign of the times.  Back in the 70’s such things were not discussed.  Child Sexual Abuse was something that was unheard of, or at least, it certainly was never mentioned in polite society. 

I look with longing at the way these things are handled nowadays.  Child Abuse, including Sexual Abuse is talked about on television and featured in many shows.  Nowadays, victims are cosseted and supported and our children are raised to know that there are some things that no-one can do to you.  We teach children that when it comes to their bodies, they have the right to say no.  Maybe other people don’t realise what I wonderful thing this is, but believe me, I do.  I can fully understand why it is so important that we teach these things to our children.  I have experienced for myself just how devastating the effects can be, not only immediately, but even later in life.

And so I struggled on, having nowhere to turn.  Being abused by a predator who took advantage of my insecurities.  And to make matters worse, I introduced him to my friend.  Until recently, I was not sure whether he molested her too, but I have now confirmed that he did and it has had far reaching affects on her life too.