To Botswana

The situation worsened when Ryan lost his job again.  We argued incessantly and again his confidence took a knock.  And I rose to the challenge yet again.  Shoulder to cry on, ear to listen, strong back to support him.  A job offer came up in neighbouring Botswana.  The offer was extremely attractive and we jumped at the chance to start again.

So Ryan moved to Francistown, a small town near the Zimbabwe/Botswana border.  The company was incredible and gave him money to furnish our home.  After three months he had everything in place and I joined him with our three young sons in July 1990.  We had a lovely home, beautifully furnished, money was plentiful.  Everything should have been perfect.

But I was again separated from my parents.  Having stayed with them while Ryan set up our new home in Botswana, I had drawn closer still to them.  And the distance was just not a good thing.  I should have been happy with all that I had, but my childhood experiences were starting to fester deep down inside me where I had tried to bury them. 

Again, I turned to dancing.  I took over a small local dancing school and immersed myself in it.  The dancing school grew to a fair size and I also started teaching dance and movement at local schools.  I added model training to my ‘menu’ and became involved in producing fashion shows for local businesses.  This was actually a really successful venture and together with the dancing school, earned me a healthy income.

Ryan however, was slipping back into his old habits and not pulling his weight, so I stepped in to help him out.  That, after all, was what I was meant to do wasn’t it?  Slowly but surely I took on more and more of the work and Ryan worked fewer and fewer hours.  Until he was fired again a year after we moved to Botswana. 

Of course, it wasn’t his fault, it never was.  And once more I stepped up to the line to support him.  It was becoming a pattern and it fitted right into the place that I felt the strongest – being there for someone else.  My low self-esteem made me feel that I was a valueless human being and I therefore needed to help someone else to make my life worth living.  And Ryan definitely provided that.