Confessions

I managed to talk my way out of the situation and one year after we first got together, Ryan proposed.  I accepted.  My friends and family appeared to be happy for me and I could not see any reason to doubt that I had finally found my prince.  And foolishly I believed that all my troubles would now be over.  Now I could put my past experiences behind me and I would live happily ever after.


Naturally, our relationship was not without its ups and downs, but we worked our way through it and moved in together.  Finally I had a home of my own, I was loved by someone and I was worth something at last.

Then, in 1987 Alex finally moved out of my life almost completely.  He moved to England, to make a new beginning for himself.  My feelings were confused.  I was overjoyed that I would finally be safe as he would be thousands of kilometres away, but I felt guilty about feeling that way.  My moods swung from one extreme to the other, something that was soon noticed by Ryan.  

Many arguments ensued around various small issues which culminated in a massive screaming match.  In anger I threw in his face the fact that I had lied to him from day one.  I was not a virgin when I met him.

This did not go down well.  Ryan was understandably furious.  And of course, I then realised that I did not want to lose the love that I had been searching for.  I took my heart in my hands, screwed up every scrap of courage I could find and told Ryan why I was in such turmoil and about what had happened with Alex.