Back to Depression

At first, it seemed that I was right.  I revelled in the idea that I could make it without the medication and that I wasn’t a total failure.  But after a couple of months I noticed symptoms of the depression re-emerging.  I was having trouble sleeping again.  My levels of motivation for everything except my work dropped.  I could not seem to get interested in anything.  And I was avoiding things that I did not like doing.  There is nothing like burying your head in the sand when you don’t want to deal with something.

In March 2010 I took my boys to South Africa on holiday – a holiday of a lifetime with no expense spared and the word ‘no’ left behind in England.  I was sure that this would turn me around and stop my slide back into Depression.  We had an absolutely fantastic time and I convinced myself that I felt better.  We spent a month travelling the country, from one end to the other, meeting family, experiencing all kinds of new things and seeing a part of the world that was familiar to my boys, but not clearly remembered. 

When we returned to England however, I resorted to my head in the sand behaviour.  While we were on holiday my rent had failed to come out of my account and my landlord was going ballistic.  Within a week of the payment having failed he had served a ‘Notice to Quit’ on me.  I called him and tried to explain what had happened, but he was not listening.  His terms were – pay a year’s rent up front or get out in June!

I started to pay off the arrears, but still he would not back down.  After talking with a friend and taking into consideration the fact that my landlord was holding a deposit equivalent to three months rent, I decided to wait and see what would happen.  Still, he refused to withdraw the ‘Notice to Quit’.

My mood spiralled ever downward.  There was now no way I could not be aware that the depression was back, but in my head I believed that if I did not deal with it, then it couldn’t be real.  So I soldiered on.  

But in May I eventually gave in and returned to the Doctor.  He confirmed that the depression had indeed returned.  And he suggested that there was a strong chance that I would be fighting it on and off for the rest of my life.