Marital Relations

The effects of what Alex had done to me proved to be more far reaching than I could ever have realised.  My low self-esteem and lack of confidence affected everything in my life.  I was so wrapped up in Ryan’s life, believing I was nothing without him, I had totally lost myself.  There was no part of my life that was unaffected.  But mostly, I could not function without providing myself with a reason for my existence, whether it was as a wife or as a mother.

But what I didn’t realise at the time was that my need to be needed was further undermining my self-confidence.  And that lack of self-confidence was destroying my marriage.  As if I needed any help – I was doing that all by myself.

Because of course, until now I have not mentioned my sex life with Ryan.  It is one of those things that I find really hard to explain or to discuss.  I had come to realise that my wanton behaviour during my teenage years was as a result of my search for love.  And I had also figured out why I had associated love and sex.  Because the only people who had showed me physical affection whilst I was growing up were my Aunt, Uncle and Alex.  Alex had sexually molested me.  So my mind had linked the two. 

Now I had worked this out, further problems came from that awareness.  In my head, sex became something dirty, an act where a man was just using a woman for his own means.

Unfortunately, sex is just one of those things that are part of marriage.  I hated it.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t blatant about it.  In fact, I hid it as best I could to start with.  Ryan was not to blame.  There was no way he could grasp what was going on in my head.  There was no way anyone could grasp what was going on in my head.  Even I didn’t really understand it.

As a result of all the stresses, we fought a lot.  About anything and everything.  The arguments were vigorous to say the least.  I often wonder what our neighbours must have thought.  I am only thankful that my boys were too young to remember it.  That is not the way I wanted them to grow up.