Growing Up

I finished school in 1985 and moved back home to Zimbabwe.  I had no real idea what I wanted to do with my life.  The theatre would have been my first choice, but my low self-esteem held me back.  I made no attempt to pursue the dream and instead allowed my parents to guide me in to computer programming.  It sounded good at the time and of course, there was an added bonus.

The course was held in the capital of Zimbabwe, Harare.  More than 200 kilometres from Redcliff and Alex.

I moved to Harare at the beginning of 1986 and at first, all went well. 

In some ways, my past was behind me.  I made new friends and started to seek out new, healthier experiences.  I did all the things any normal girl may age would do – went to the movies with my friends, went night clubbing, spent many evenings sitting in my room, or the rooms of my friends, talking and sharing our life stories so far.

My state of bliss lasted a couple of months, before the reality came crashing back in.  I wasn’t the same as the other girls.  They were still new to the world of men and their sexual experiences were still young and appropriate to their age.  It wasn’t a gradual process, but rather a sudden realisation that I didn’t fit in.  And so I turned back to my ‘other’ self.  The mask came back down and the act recommenced.  My search for love picked up where it had left off.

I did manage to sustain one relationship for a couple of months, but he was even needier than I was.  Hurting him was the wrong thing to do, but then I did not know any better.  So I carried on my merry way, always being used and dumped, no matter how hard I tried.