Now what do I do?

Well, this doesn’t happen often, but I find myself not sure of what to say.  It’s strange, because there are so many thoughts flying around in my head and my feelings are swinging from one extreme to the other.  One minute I am angry, the next so, so sad.  Then I start to accept my situation, only a moment later I am railing against the hand that has been dealt me.

So, let me try and explain what has brought me to this.

Last Sunday, exactly a week ago, as we were preparing to start our dress rehearsal (I am in a thriving Theatre Group and for the current production, was taking the role of Production Manager) when my middle son asked me to come outside.  I knew.  I knew exactly what he was going to tell me.

My Uncle had died.  I cannot honestly say what upset me more – losing my Uncle who had always been so good to me, that I had not been able to say goodbye and tell him how much I loved him, or the fact that I could not be there for my Aunt.

The timing was probably very good.  I had to pull myself together to fulfil my role and I did.  I didn’t let on to anyone the sad news that I had just received, nor did I allow my grief to show.

And that is the way I have moved through the past week.  Again, I have gone back to hiding how I am feeling from those around me.  It is just so much easier.  Only here, can I say how I truly feel.

Of course, my dilemma continues to grow.  No-one in my family has contacted me to tell me that my Uncle has died.  I am plainly not welcome at his Memorial Service, but what about my boys?  My cousin lives a couple of hours away and the train fare for the three of them is exorbitant.

I would happily take them there, but how do we sort out the logistics?  I can drop them at the crematorium and pick them up afterwards, but then that means that they will not have any time to talk to my Aunt and show her that they care.  So how to get them from the crematorium to where ever those attending will be going afterwards?

And what about me?  What do I do with myself for the duration?  I know this sounds entirely selfish, but I feel as though no one else cares how I feel, what I go through.  And surely my feelings matter too.

But that’s just it – I don’t think anyone really does care about me.   And honestly, I probably deserve it.

Losing my family

Today has pretty much been the day from hell.  Well, my personal hell anyway.

Everything seemed okay to start with.  Got up, got dressed and made it to work on time.  A struggle yes, but in control.  During the morning, work went well and I achieved a lot.  By lunch time I was actually feeling pretty good and as I walked home, there was not a hint of what was to come.

As I sat, eating my lunch and gazing pretty mindlessly at the TV, my middle son told me that he had just received a text from Alex’s sister, telling him that their father was in hospital.  He’d had a stroke and was in a coma.  She’d told him that if there were no signs of improvement within the next few hours, the life support was to be withdrawn.

My heart went out to her and my Aunt.  Despite the fact that they had completely turned their backs on me and we’d had no contact for eight months, I knew how close my Aunt and Uncle had been and I knew that my Aunt would be absolutely devastated.  But I also knew that I would not be welcome in their home or at the hospital.  So what could I do?

I decided that the best thing would be to take the afternoon off work, drive down to Southampton (where they live) and drop off my sons with them.  The boys could there help out and support my Aunt and of course, get a chance to say goodbye to my Uncle who had been so close to them throughout their lives.

It then occurred to me that maybe my brother had not heard yet, so I decided to ring him before I did anything else.  What a shock was in store for me!

He knew.  My cousin had phoned him the day before!  When I broke down and asked him why he hadn’t let me know, he told me that my cousin had told him that I wasn’t to be told about what had happened!  And he went along with it!  I know for a fact that had the roles been reversed, I would have told him anyway, but made it clear that he wasn’t supposed to know and wasn’t to contact the family about it.

If my brother had done that for me, I won’t deny that I would have been upset about it, but I would have kept my mouth closed.  But he decided to keep me in the dark.

I shouldn’t be surprised really.  Even in July last year, after I took the overdose, he made it clear that he wasn’t there for me, he was there for my sons.  He told me back then that he didn’t want to know about what Alex had done to me and plainly, he wasn’t interested in how it had affected me.  It hurt!  It has hurt every day over the last eight months, but I have accepted it and kept my pain to myself.  Whenever I have spoken to him, I have ensure that our conversations have steered clear of anything to do with Alex, what he did and how it has destroyed my life.

But to have him keep me in the dark about our uncle and clearly decide that his loyalties lay with our cousin and not me, his sister – that I couldn’t handle.  I can’t handle and I won’t take it.

So I have made a decision – they can have their life and their family and will have mine.  The can do what they want, but they can leave me out of it.  As far as I am concerned, he is no longer my brother and I want nothing to do with him or his family.  If that is pathetic or childish, well, so be it.  I refuse to allow them to hurt me any longer.  I have enough to deal with.

My heart goes out to my aunt and uncle and they are both in my thoughts and prayers.  But that is where it ends.  My links with my Mother’s family are now gone and they are nothing to me.