New Year

This is probably going to be a very short post. I am currently sitting in a small cafe on an International Military Base in the middle of Afghanistan. The group with whom I am travelling is an eclectic mix of British civilians and servicemen. We are delayed here indefinitely and are now contemplating spending New Years Eve in an environment that is not entirely hospitable and definitely a long way from our friends and family. And I have surprised myself.

Yes, I am disappointed that I am not home with my boys and of course I am frustrated by the fact that I have no idea when I will get out of here. But my mindset has changed so much that I have accepted the situation and even believe that there is probably a reason for why this is happening, even though I may never find out what that reason is.

Instead, I am determined to make the most of the situation and grasp whatever opportunities present themselves whilst I am here. The celebrations of the incoming New Year will most likely be somewhat subdued, but I am alive to partake in it and am not really missing any major events at home.

My heart goes out to one of the Servicemen with us. He is stuck here with us, but is supposed to be getting married in just over a week. I cannot even imagine how he must be feeling, let alone his bride to be, waiting for him at home. Or the young lad who could not take his R&R flight and is now stuck with us as his leave time ticks away. And the other young men and women out here, miles away from their loved ones, serving their different countries.

When I think about it, what do I have to feel down about, so to all of you reading this, I wish you a very Happy New Year and please, always look for the positives in your life and don't sweat the bad stuff. It will all pass in time.

My Parents

I really need to clarify something. After my last post, I have received a couple of messages from people who have read my Blog, who seem to be under the illusion that I blame my parents in some part for what happened to me. I would like to state absolutely categorically, that I hold them in no way responsible and if I have at any time given this impression, I must apologise. 

I strongly believe that many victims from my generation were victims of our time, as much as victims of our abusers. No one had really heard of Child Sexual Abuse and it was certainly never discussed, even within the privacy of our homes. Sex and sexual activities were pretty much taboo subjects and happened only behind closed doors. Sex education did not exist in schools and for myself and many of my friends, comprised of our Mom handing us a book about 'the birds and the bees' and telling us to read it. In many cases, certainly in mine, I was eleven years old by the time this happened and it was already too little, too late.

Add into this the fact that my parents did not believe in public displays of affection, but I was a child who craved it and you have a recipe for disaster. I was basically the perfect victim and had absolutely nothing in my arsenal that I could us to protect myself. Again, my parents were not at fault - this is how they were raised and had absolutely no reason to do it differently. 

Then, as time passed and the abuse continued, my rapidly deflating self-esteem backed me into a corner. It was a vicious circle - I craved love, but because of the abuse, associated the physical side of things with love, so almost sought it out. I needed help, I knew I needed help, but I lived in an age when that help was not freely available. Children like me just didn't stand a chance. It was luck of the draw and I was the loser every which way I turned. 

So please, please, please, do not think I hold my parents in any way responsible for what happened. I never did and I never will. One of my enduring memories associated with the abuse is the day I told my parents about it and looks of devastation on their faces. It nearly killed them, especially my Dad. And I hold that close to me, proving that if they had any idea at the time, they would have stepped up and protected me. But they just didn't have the tools and information that they needed. 

Protecting Children and Young People from Sexual Predators

Well, I've been mulling over this post for a few days now. I've also had a few conversations with some of the lads out here and frankly, I am stunned by the fact that most people understand so little about the issues and dangers surrounding the subject. 

As a Victim, Survivor and Thriver myself, I have met and spoken to a lot of others who have been through this. All our experiences are the same and yet at the same time completely different. But time and again, the same basic things come to the fore.  We can protect future generations from these horrific crimes and it really only requires common sense.

Please bear in mind, this is MY OPINION, based on my experiences and those of others that I have met. I AM NOT AN EXPERT by any means, but I have probably had a lot more exposure than many others who deliver their opinions as though they should be written in stone. 

So, here goes. Read what I say and use your own judgement, but please, please, please, if you have or know of children who might be at risk, think and don't just sit back and do nothing.

Children become victims for many reasons and as much as the Police and Governments can create and enforce all kinds of laws in this area, there are always going to be those who slip through the cracks. I believe the best protection we can provide our children is good parenting. More than anything else, children need to feel loved and respected. They need to know and understand their boundaries. They need to know that no matter what, their parents will be there for them and will talk to them and listen to them. No subject should be out of bounds and total openness should be the norm. 

I know that last probably sounds scary, but I was once told that a child will never ask a question that they are not ready to hear the answer to. And with my own boys I have found this to be 100% true. If they are asking a question, there is almost always a reason for it. I remember questioning my mother about sanitary towels and tampons when I was about nine.  She did not react well, not realising that the reason I was asking was quite specific. I was being abused and had latched on to the topic as a way to open the conversation. I do not blame my Mom for shutting me down, especially bearing in mind that people in those days were not aware of child sexual abuse. But that one conversation could have completely changed my life. 

We already have a lot of information flying around with regards Child Sexual Abuse, so if we practise openness and honesty with our children, we give them another layer to their armour.

Of course, this all mostly applies to children, but what we teach our children carries through into young adulthood when they may be exposed to sexual predators of a different type. But again, a young person who feels loved and valued in their home is far less likely to be open to approaches by these people. And bearing in mind that most abusers are known to the victims, either family members or close family friends, if the young person has the security of a loving home, sure.y they will be less open to these animals.

Christmas

Christmas. It is just around the corner and it truly amazes me how it means so many different things to so many different people. To some, it is about the gifts, the decorations, to others it is about the festivities and parties. There are those who focus on the spiritual side and for some it is just another day. But for me, it is all about family - those I love and hold dear, whether they are still with me or live only in my memory.

But this year, it looks like I will be spending another Christmas in the Land of Sand, away from those I love, but surrounded by those I care about deeply. I'm actually finding it quite hard being around them this year, as clearly most of them are missing their families and no matter how hard we try, there is just no way to make it up to them. All we can do is keep smiling and laughing, trying to make things as festive as is possible in this environment.

The cookhouse/DFAC have pulled out all the stops and the dining area hosts a myriad of decorations, Christmas trees and balloons. The twinkling lights add a slightly surreal touch to our mealtimes. Within our facility we have also made an effort to decorate, albeit with bits and pieces of broken trees and decorations from previous Christmases. It is amazing what you can do with a little bit of ingenuity. 

I'm not too sure whether the decorations are making a difference, but I personally feel better for having made the effort. I also try to sit with the guys and girls whenever I can, steering their conversations to their favourite Christmas memories and what they plan to do when they get back to their families. It isn't hard to get a smile out of them and for me, that is my reward. 

So please, if you are reading this, spare a thought on Christmas Day for those who are out here serving their countries. What is happening out here may not be something you support personally, but our Armed Forces sign on to serve and selflessly defend those who cannot always defend themselves. They go where they are sent and do as they are told and in my opinion, they are an absolute credit to the nations that they represent.