Wake Up Call

The last few weeks have acted like something of a wake up call for me.  A number of things have happened that have either triggered or highlighted memories and feelings that I thought were no longer a part of my life. Not for a second have I started to backslide, but I think that I have a more realistic view of where I am in my life.

I have dealt with so much of my past and come to terms with what happened, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen and doesn't affect me or my life.  That is something that I hadn't really acknowledged until recently.  It is so easy when things are going smoothly to forget that a major panic attack or a backslide are only really just one step behind me, poised to sink their claws back into me.  And funnily enough, although I am now more alert to it, it doesn't really upset me.  I really would have thought that learning this would have caused me to back slide, but in fact it has served to strengthen my determination and resolve.

There is so much in my life now that helps to point the way for me.  Friends, first and foremost.  People from my past who I would never have thought to turn to have shown themselves to be the most amazing and supportive people.  Other friends from my past have proved that they are exactly what I thought they always were.  New friends who have shown me who I want to be, given me something to strive for and been there for me when I needed them.

I'm not for one second saying that I didn't have this in the past, but I was not in a place to see or appreciate them.  I'm not making excuses, but I was so wrapped up in the pain I just couldn't.  Now, a few years down the line and I cannot believe how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life.  I wish I could name them on here, but that would not be fair on them.  Maybe they don't even realise how much they have done for me.  

There are a few I have told just how much they have done for me, but some probably don't realise.  A good, longstanding friend who I view more as a sister than a friend; a wonderful woman who, although I met her online, has shared many of my experiences and in fact even spent some time in the town where I grew up; a friend I met in Afghanistan, whose beautiful nature calms and uplifts me; a friend I met online who was there for me, whether he realised it or not; a woman from the town where I grew up, who I thought would turn her back on me when I came out with the truth, like most of those from her generation did, but who to this day has proved to be supportive and caring; a new friend who shares a love of the theatre with me and who herself has been through hard times and has inspired me.  These are just a few of the amazing people in my life, but they are most definitely the core that have helped me to get to where I am now.

And because of them, I am all the more determined to keep myself on track.  The nightmare that is behind me can stay right there - behind me!

Supporting others

I tried to get through to a friend today who is also suffering from Depression and I think I failed.  In fact, I think I may have alienated her altogether.  What is it about this insidious disease that makes it so hard for the sufferer to see what is actually happening to them?  Is it maybe a symptom of the disease?  And it got me thinking about Depression and the process a sufferer has to go through to survive it.

First of all, remember, I suffer from Chronic Depression.  It is never going to go away and for the rest of my life I will have to deal with it and fight it on a daily basis.  This is something I have now come to accept and though I sometimes find myself wishing it was otherwise, I generally just deal with it.  My first diagnosis of Depression was back in the early 90's.  My 'second' was about five years later, third in 2002 and again in 2007 when my parents died.  However, it wasn't until 2010 that I received the diagnosis of Chronic Depression.  Initially, I was devastated by this news, but now I have come to terms with it.  I accept that it is a part of me that I need to manage and care for.  And one thing I have learnt after all these years of going through it is that ultimately, I am in control.

The first step is obviously to take my medication.  Just like my diabetes, I cannot fight this illness without medical intervention.  Funnily enough, it is easier to remember to take my medication when I am at low points.  I suspect that this is because when I have clear symptoms they act as a reminder, whereas when I am coping well, there is nothing to bring it to my mind.  But I have developed different strategies to deal with this, such as marking the packages of medication with days so that I know when I have or haven't taken my daily dose.  And of course, keeping my medication where I will see it each morning when I wake up.  It doesn't always work and there are days when I forget, but most of the time I stay on course.

The next step is the one that I now find easier, probably because it has now become a part of who I am.  I look for the positive in everything.  I've come to realise that no matter what happens, if there is a negative, then there is always a positive.  If I focus on the negative, I am going to sink and that happened at the end of last year.  An indication of how far I've come became  clear when I quickly realised what was happening and took control.  Yes, I got support from Medical Professionals, but the first step had to be mine.

And that brings me back to my discussion with my friend today.  I tried to get across to her that the cure to her Depression is in her own hands.  She needs to take control of what has happened before anyone can help her.  And as the discussion progressed, it brought back to me my own reluctance to accept that I could control how I was feeling.  And reinforced my gratitude to the friends who supported me and pushed me in the right direction.  I can see how hard it must have been to maintain that pressure and not lose patience with my stubbornness.  And I know that I have it within me to persevere with my friend, provided she allows me to.  I won't give up - who knows better than me what a dreadful disease Depression is and how it can make it so hard to see what is right in front of you.

I am just so happy that I have got a handle on it now and I just hope that I can use what I have learned to help a friend in need.

Repercussions

Well, I'm home on holiday and thoroughly enjoying being with my family again, but one thing has been brought home to me.  Pretty hard in fact. When I made the decision to reveal what had happened to me as a child and named my abuser publicly, I knew that I would lose a part of my family.  And for the most part I have lived happily with that decision.

Okay, maybe not happily, but I have accepted that they have cut me out of their lives and can fully understand why.  But there are times that I wish things could be different.

This weekend for example.  I have not seen much of my eldest son for the last year or so, as between us we have worked away from home for much of that time.  So it was with great happiness that I found out he would be home at the same time as me.  And I got a great deal of pleasure out of spending a week with him, before he returned to work.  Then I found out he was off this weekend and immediately assumed he would come home.  However, instead he chose to go and spend the weekend with a part of the family that has cut me off.  And like an idiot, I encouraged him.

I made my choices and went through what I did, but at the end of the day, the only people who know the truth of what happened are 'Alex' and me.  Everyone else has had to make a decision based on whether they believe me or not.  And obviously, his family will believe he is innocent.  That is to be expected, unless of course he decided to do the right thing and admit it, which is never going to happen.  So that leaves me out in the cold where they are concerned.

But that does not change the fact that I was close to his parents for most of my life and the way I feel about them has not changed.  His mother, in particular has not had a good few years and to my mind, if I cannot be there to support her, the least I can do is let her spend time with my boys, who were just as close to her as I was.  So I actively encouraged him to go and see her, sacrificing my own chance to see him.  And now I am feeling just a teensy bit bitter.  And blaming myself.

Should I maybe just have kept my mouth closed and lived with it in silence?  The damage I have done to familial relationships is irreversible and I seem to be the one on the losing end.  It just doesn't seem fair.  I have lost family that I truly cared about and I can't help but wonder if they still care about me, even just a little.

I know I will probably never get answers to these questions, just as I will probably never get any form of acknowledgement or apology from 'Alex'.  And I know I need to accept it.  And mostly I have.  But there are always those times when I sit and think 'If only I'd kept quiet'.  

And then I look at where I am now and who I have become and I know I did the right thing.