New Year

This is probably going to be a very short post. I am currently sitting in a small cafe on an International Military Base in the middle of Afghanistan. The group with whom I am travelling is an eclectic mix of British civilians and servicemen. We are delayed here indefinitely and are now contemplating spending New Years Eve in an environment that is not entirely hospitable and definitely a long way from our friends and family. And I have surprised myself.

Yes, I am disappointed that I am not home with my boys and of course I am frustrated by the fact that I have no idea when I will get out of here. But my mindset has changed so much that I have accepted the situation and even believe that there is probably a reason for why this is happening, even though I may never find out what that reason is.

Instead, I am determined to make the most of the situation and grasp whatever opportunities present themselves whilst I am here. The celebrations of the incoming New Year will most likely be somewhat subdued, but I am alive to partake in it and am not really missing any major events at home.

My heart goes out to one of the Servicemen with us. He is stuck here with us, but is supposed to be getting married in just over a week. I cannot even imagine how he must be feeling, let alone his bride to be, waiting for him at home. Or the young lad who could not take his R&R flight and is now stuck with us as his leave time ticks away. And the other young men and women out here, miles away from their loved ones, serving their different countries.

When I think about it, what do I have to feel down about, so to all of you reading this, I wish you a very Happy New Year and please, always look for the positives in your life and don't sweat the bad stuff. It will all pass in time.

My Parents

I really need to clarify something. After my last post, I have received a couple of messages from people who have read my Blog, who seem to be under the illusion that I blame my parents in some part for what happened to me. I would like to state absolutely categorically, that I hold them in no way responsible and if I have at any time given this impression, I must apologise. 

I strongly believe that many victims from my generation were victims of our time, as much as victims of our abusers. No one had really heard of Child Sexual Abuse and it was certainly never discussed, even within the privacy of our homes. Sex and sexual activities were pretty much taboo subjects and happened only behind closed doors. Sex education did not exist in schools and for myself and many of my friends, comprised of our Mom handing us a book about 'the birds and the bees' and telling us to read it. In many cases, certainly in mine, I was eleven years old by the time this happened and it was already too little, too late.

Add into this the fact that my parents did not believe in public displays of affection, but I was a child who craved it and you have a recipe for disaster. I was basically the perfect victim and had absolutely nothing in my arsenal that I could us to protect myself. Again, my parents were not at fault - this is how they were raised and had absolutely no reason to do it differently. 

Then, as time passed and the abuse continued, my rapidly deflating self-esteem backed me into a corner. It was a vicious circle - I craved love, but because of the abuse, associated the physical side of things with love, so almost sought it out. I needed help, I knew I needed help, but I lived in an age when that help was not freely available. Children like me just didn't stand a chance. It was luck of the draw and I was the loser every which way I turned. 

So please, please, please, do not think I hold my parents in any way responsible for what happened. I never did and I never will. One of my enduring memories associated with the abuse is the day I told my parents about it and looks of devastation on their faces. It nearly killed them, especially my Dad. And I hold that close to me, proving that if they had any idea at the time, they would have stepped up and protected me. But they just didn't have the tools and information that they needed. 

Protecting Children and Young People from Sexual Predators

Well, I've been mulling over this post for a few days now. I've also had a few conversations with some of the lads out here and frankly, I am stunned by the fact that most people understand so little about the issues and dangers surrounding the subject. 

As a Victim, Survivor and Thriver myself, I have met and spoken to a lot of others who have been through this. All our experiences are the same and yet at the same time completely different. But time and again, the same basic things come to the fore.  We can protect future generations from these horrific crimes and it really only requires common sense.

Please bear in mind, this is MY OPINION, based on my experiences and those of others that I have met. I AM NOT AN EXPERT by any means, but I have probably had a lot more exposure than many others who deliver their opinions as though they should be written in stone. 

So, here goes. Read what I say and use your own judgement, but please, please, please, if you have or know of children who might be at risk, think and don't just sit back and do nothing.

Children become victims for many reasons and as much as the Police and Governments can create and enforce all kinds of laws in this area, there are always going to be those who slip through the cracks. I believe the best protection we can provide our children is good parenting. More than anything else, children need to feel loved and respected. They need to know and understand their boundaries. They need to know that no matter what, their parents will be there for them and will talk to them and listen to them. No subject should be out of bounds and total openness should be the norm. 

I know that last probably sounds scary, but I was once told that a child will never ask a question that they are not ready to hear the answer to. And with my own boys I have found this to be 100% true. If they are asking a question, there is almost always a reason for it. I remember questioning my mother about sanitary towels and tampons when I was about nine.  She did not react well, not realising that the reason I was asking was quite specific. I was being abused and had latched on to the topic as a way to open the conversation. I do not blame my Mom for shutting me down, especially bearing in mind that people in those days were not aware of child sexual abuse. But that one conversation could have completely changed my life. 

We already have a lot of information flying around with regards Child Sexual Abuse, so if we practise openness and honesty with our children, we give them another layer to their armour.

Of course, this all mostly applies to children, but what we teach our children carries through into young adulthood when they may be exposed to sexual predators of a different type. But again, a young person who feels loved and valued in their home is far less likely to be open to approaches by these people. And bearing in mind that most abusers are known to the victims, either family members or close family friends, if the young person has the security of a loving home, sure.y they will be less open to these animals.

Christmas

Christmas. It is just around the corner and it truly amazes me how it means so many different things to so many different people. To some, it is about the gifts, the decorations, to others it is about the festivities and parties. There are those who focus on the spiritual side and for some it is just another day. But for me, it is all about family - those I love and hold dear, whether they are still with me or live only in my memory.

But this year, it looks like I will be spending another Christmas in the Land of Sand, away from those I love, but surrounded by those I care about deeply. I'm actually finding it quite hard being around them this year, as clearly most of them are missing their families and no matter how hard we try, there is just no way to make it up to them. All we can do is keep smiling and laughing, trying to make things as festive as is possible in this environment.

The cookhouse/DFAC have pulled out all the stops and the dining area hosts a myriad of decorations, Christmas trees and balloons. The twinkling lights add a slightly surreal touch to our mealtimes. Within our facility we have also made an effort to decorate, albeit with bits and pieces of broken trees and decorations from previous Christmases. It is amazing what you can do with a little bit of ingenuity. 

I'm not too sure whether the decorations are making a difference, but I personally feel better for having made the effort. I also try to sit with the guys and girls whenever I can, steering their conversations to their favourite Christmas memories and what they plan to do when they get back to their families. It isn't hard to get a smile out of them and for me, that is my reward. 

So please, if you are reading this, spare a thought on Christmas Day for those who are out here serving their countries. What is happening out here may not be something you support personally, but our Armed Forces sign on to serve and selflessly defend those who cannot always defend themselves. They go where they are sent and do as they are told and in my opinion, they are an absolute credit to the nations that they represent. 

Looking to the Future

Finally, I find myself looking forward more than backwards. And at this point in my life that is a really good thing. My journey to discover who I am and what I actually have to offer to those around me has reached a point where I can actually see ahead and not hang on to the past. 

A new chapter!!  It's only months away!!  And strangely enough I am not nervous, just excited. I will be leaving a life that I have lived for three years, a lifestyle to which I have adjusted and become accustomed. The reality is that what I am going 'home' too is now unfamiliar. Social interactions will take place on an entirely different level and everyone's priorities will be worlds away from what I have become used to. 

And the eager anticipation I am feeling shows me, more than anything else, how far I have come. I believe now that I can achieve anything I set my mind and heart on. I know that I have a place in the world and a unique contribution to make. Instead of the experiences from my early childhood feeling like a burden, they now feel like something I can learn from and draw on to help others. I know that not everyone who went through what I did will react in the same way that I did, but I also know that there are so many similarities that I would have an advantage over others who rely entirely on book learning.

I can't say that I am going to turn into the best Therapist ever, but I believe in myself and know that I have something to offer to other victims. I know that I can help them to find their way through the guilt and feelings of worthlessness, to come out the other side, no longer a victim. And I can't wait. 

Generalisation and Objectivity

The last two days have been something I never, ever want to live through again. But sitting with my usual group of friends tonight, I realised how far the human race still has to go. When dreadful things happen, it is so easy to generalise and lose sight of the good in the people around us. We seem to lose all sense of objectivity and become judgemental. It's understandable, but it's so, so wrong.

We had an incident yesterday where good people were killed or injured and the impact it has had on our lives cannot be explained to anyone who has never been in this type of environment. I don't mean that to sound condescending – but it is true. The initial shock left us all reeling and not entirely sure where to turn. Many of my regulars turned to me for distraction and in a way, it was good for me, as it kept me busy and therefore stopped me from dwelling on things.

What I saw yesterday heartened me, as I watched people supporting and helping each other. Thoughts and prayers were sent to the victims families and in general, the best of human nature came out. I felt proud to be among them and honoured to be included.

Then today, the other side of our nature started to show. The situation sadly is not clear, we don't and probably won't ever have sufficient information. But people started to make assumptions and jump to conclusions. All of a sudden we seemed to forget all the wonderful people we have come to know, all the good we have seen in them, all the positive changes we have seen. The actions of one man grew to represent the make up of an entire nation. Our grief and anger clouded our judgement and all of a sudden we forgot that one person is hardly representative of a people. As has happened all over the world on many different occasions, the actions of a minority of people have overtaken the good in the rest of a nation. The expression 'cannot see the wood for the trees' springs to mind and eloquently expresses what I am finding it so hard to say.

One man took up arms and destroyed the lives of other's and now we are struggling to see the fact that his actions were just that – HIS ACTIONS. But as the hurt and anger engulfs us, we are losing sight of that and somehow, we have to fight our tendency to generalise.

The pain will last for a while, I know and I am pretty sure the anger will too, but I just hope that we can see our way through this, without making judgements that harm those who don't deserve it. We cannot blame a group of people for the actions of one among them.

To end this post, I would just like to send out thoughts and prayers specifically to the friends and families of those who lost their lives or were injured in Afghanistan yesterday, Tuesday 5^th August 2014 and generally to all who have suffered as a result of wars and conflicts in the past. I can't say it any better, so I quote 'We will remember them'.

Positivity

Over the last few days, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how my entire mindset has changed over the last few years. Back before I reached the point when I believed that my life was a burden to myself and to those around me, I somehow failed to see or appreciate the positive aspects of my life. Now it seems that the reverse is true and for this I am truly thankful. Whereas before, all that I had been through overwhelmed me and stole my entire focus, I now actually find myself searching out the positive in every situation, no matter how bad. And amazingly enough, to me anyway, every situation has a positive side. You just have to take the time to find it.

To see how massive the effect of this mindset is, I look at the examples of two close friends. Both have been through some pretty rough times, lost loved ones and sunk into that dark place where there just doesn't seem to be any hope. But the way they have dealt with it is completely opposite. One found her way to the positive side, waking up each day and searching out the things that she could be grateful for. She lives her life focussing on the positives. This is not to say that there aren't any negatives in her life, but she chooses to look the other way. As a result, she has a full and happy life, with a large circle of friends who genuinely care about her and love spending time in her company.

On the opposite side, my other friend is almost entirely focussed on the negative things in her life. And she has spiralled out of control. Depression has a grip on her and her life seems to be a constant struggle. Many of her friends have had to take a step back from her. I know that sounds awful, but it is a sad fact. Negativity has a downward affect on those who come into contact with it. As friends, we have tried everything we can think of to help her deal with things, but to no avail. So to protect ourselves, we have had to excuse ourselves from her life. Her total focus on the negative side of her life is not only isolating her from those who care about her, but it is also preventing her from seeing the positives.

I know how hard it is to alter a negative mindset, but I am also aware that you have to want to do it. Acknowledging that the negativity is a problem is the first step and that is then followed by the necessity to be willing to make the effort. It doesn't just happen and takes time and perseverance, but eventually it becomes a habit.

No matter what the situation now, I find it easier and easier to find the positive side. It also helps that I firmly believe that you cannot fully appreciate the good stuff without the bad. Just like the night sky – the stars would not look half as beautiful if the sky wasn't so dark – you don't see them during the day do you? But they are still there.

Endings

Last night I couldn't sleep. It had suddenly dawned on me that my life is rapidly approaching a major change and the environment in which I have thrived over the last few years is about to be ripped away. And this got me to thinking about my past, my present and my future. What lies ahead, I wonder? Can I continue to grow once I am back in the real world? Because really, this place is a long, long way from reality.

During my time here in the sand, I have lived in a world where we are forcibly thrust together and have very little choice but to get along with each other. Those who fail to do so, don't last very long. And of course, the ever present risk only heightens our perceptions of the relationships that we form, giving us a false sense of closeness.

And sadly, I have realised that it is false. Not in the sense that we don't really care about each other, because we do. But it's false because once we are removed back to our home countries, it evaporates. Not deliberately, but through necessity. There is just no way for our loved one's who have not experienced this environment, how things are just so completely different here, to understand. I have made so many friends out here, from different walks of life and from countries spread across the world. But because of where we are and the reasons we are here, the relationships can only exist here.

How can a man explain to his wife that he has formed a strong friendship with another woman, without her feeling threatened by what they have shared? I'm not talking in any sexual sense of course, but when you have been forced together for six months or more, in a very close and sometimes dangerous environment, the links you form are different to those that you would develop in the real world. We depend on each other for so much more than just casual conversation. I have learned so much about the lives of the men and women I have met and spent time with out here, things that would not ordinarily be shared with those outside our family networks. Over the months, we spend hours talking about our lives, experiences and loved ones. It brings them closer to us all and helps us get through the day.

But I do not doubt for one second that only a few of them will return home and tell their wives and loved ones about me and my colleagues. In a way, I am more than a little jealous of my younger colleagues who tend to develop friendships with people their own age and by dint of that, people who do not have loved ones at home who would be threatened by the relationships. To be clear I am talking about spouses and partners.

What woman would feel comfortable meeting or hearing about another woman who has just spent six months out here with HER husband or boyfriend? How can that woman not feel some suspicion of what may have taken place? So the friendship is forsaken for the sake of a more important and enduring relationship, which leaves myself and my colleagues out in the cold.

I know many of my colleagues have committed as much of themselves to our role out here as I have and whilst I would not change it, it is painful to think that what we have given of ourselves will be locked away like some dirty little secret and on a personal level, we will be excluded from the lives of those we have grown to care about.

Reading Situations

How is it that when you are talking to someone else, it is so easy to read the situation they are in, analyse the facts and suggest actions with a fair amount of accuracy?  And yet, when it comes to your own personal circumstances, it is never, ever that simple.

Take the case of a friend of mine.  She has had quite strong feelings for another friend for a number of years, even at one point letting him know that she perhaps hopes for more from the relationship than he does.  She has been there for him through a few emotional upheavals and I know for a fact that she will continue to do so.  And yet, despite the fact that she knows full well that he is pursuing relationships with other women she continues to hope that one day he will see what is right before his eyes and realise that she is the one for him.  And all this despite the fact that he has never given her any indication that he feels anything more for her than friendship.

Why does this happen?  She is a fairly switched on woman, who has been through a lot and dealt with it.  She can help and advise other friends and always seems to hit the nail right on the head, but when it comes to her own personal relationships, she is an absolute mess.  Is there some underlying reason why she actively pursues relationships with no strings and continues to hold her heart in abeyance for the one man who is looking elsewhere?

It really fascinates me.  Like me, she is in a target rich environment, though probably not one that is conducive to building a lasting relationship.  Nevertheless, even when the opportunity presents itself, she still seems to sabotage herself, hiding behind a facade of nonchalance.

Which brings me back to masks.  I've realised I am actually still wearing a mask.  I do truly feeling joy in my life and I am making the most of many of the opportunities that come my way.  Mostly, I live life to the full and I've learnt to want what I have and appreciate it all to the full.  But there is one part of me that is locked away from the world at large.  That one part that if allowed out into the light of day could in fact, make my life complete or completely destroy everything I have worked so hard to achieve.

Sad isn't it?  Maybe one day I will be able to fully acknowledge that side of me, but I'm not quite ready yet.  Right now, I will just shelter the very core of myself and build a more stable foundation for a meaningful relationship in the future.

Fact vs Opinion

Today I am absolutely seething.  A little message for those that read this blog - if you don't like it, don't read it!!  When you see the link on someone else's Facebook (because you aren't on mine), don't click on it!!  It's that simple.

And just in case that one person is reading this - you have an opinion, I have facts as I believe them.  Don't let it confuse you!

To clarify, I posted a blog entry onto my Facebook yesterday, as well as sharing a couple of posts that spoke to me personally.  In no way did I mention any names, nor drop any hints as to the identity of the person who I claim sexually abused me as a child.  I named him once on my Facebook, years ago now, but since then I have stuck to non de plumes whenever I have referred to what happened.

However, one person took it upon herself to click on the link to my blog (which must have appeared on someone else's Facebook, since she is not connected to mine) and read yesterday's post.  She then proceeded to take offence and send me a most offensive and disrespectful message.

To her and any other's who may feel as she does - I write this blog for a number of reasons, not least of which because it helps me.  I have also, through the blog, made contact with other victims, survivors and friends and family of victims and survivors.  Sharing my experiences with them helps them and me in ways other people could probably never understand.  I have had a few people I know come up to me, after reading a blog post and open up to me about their own experiences.  I have had messages asking for help from family and friends of victims.  What I have shared on here has helped them to identify some of what their loved ones are going through.  

And let's just get one things straight - what I write on here is my story!  It is the facts as I see them, from my point of view and yes, with my bias.  He has never, ever responded to my accusations; not to deny or confirm.  He has in fact, completely blocked me from every facet of his life.  Additionally, when I publicly acknowledged what happened to me, I did not do it lightly.  When I named him, I though about it long and hard first.  It was very hard for me to do and I was fully aware of all that I stood to lose.  Believe me, I lost members of my family with whom I was very close.  One in fact who was my closest link to my Mother.  It tore me apart, but it was something I realised that I had to do.  There was just no way other for me to move on with my life and protect myself and my sons from the actions I may take if I continued to keep the abuse a secret.

It is just too easy when noone knows what you are going through to build a wall around your true feelings and keep them hidden.  In fact, it is easier in a way.  Confronting what happened to me was one of the hardest things I have ever done and admitting it to people made me feel less than worthless and dirty.  There are still times when I feel less than those around me, but those times are becoming fewer.  I will not deny that sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change what happened to me, but then I think it through and realise that I like who I am now and don't want to be anyone else.  So I embrace my past and use it to build my future.

As to him??  I don't know what goes through his head.  I have no idea whether he ever thinks back to what he did to me and my friends and feels guilty.  Does he ever contemplate making an apology or even acknowledging us?  Will he ever stand up and make himself accountable for his actions?  Yes, that is what I want, but my happiness no longer depends on it.  I would like it to happen, but I don't need it.  I can't speak for his other surviving victim and obviously it is too late for the other.  

I can only hope that in even a small way, I can take my experiences and use them to help other's who are going through the things I did.  My future is not yet written, but if I have my way, I will only grow stronger and stronger.

And again I stress - what I write are facts according to my recollection.  I cannot prove any of it and chances are he will never be made accountable for nor even acknowledge what he did.  So believe me or don't, that is your choice, but please remember - you have an opinion only and you do not have the right to use it to abuse me further.  I will not stand for it, nor will I allow it to affect me for more than a short time, before I move on with my life.

Reflections

Working in a place that allows me a lot of time to think is proving quite invaluable.  I am now really starting to get to grips with the things that are and have been going on in my head.

Yes, that part of me that tried to end it all is still there, but the newer part and now the stronger part keeps that side of me in check.  I am still angry at him and still a little bitter at what he stole from me.  I don't think that will ever change.  But realising that I cannot change what happened to me in my past, I now embrace the changes that it made in my life.

Saying that, I realise that parts of my personality in fact contradict my past.  I suppose you could call me quite brazen and open and those are not generally traits that are associated with survivors of Child Sexual Abuse.  I will openly admit that my life as it is now suits my outlook and expectations.  I no longer strive to find that 'perfect' relationship nor seek to find someone with whom I can share my life on a permanent basis.  And yet that is totally contrary to the accepted mindset of a victim or survivor.

I spent so many years looking for love, and because of the abuse, associating love with sex.  Now I believe that the two are in fact mutually exclusive and either of them can be enjoyed and celebrated without the other.  There are so many types of love, familial and romantic being the main ones and I draw my gratification on that front from the love of my family and friends.  And as I stand now, I am satisfied with that and don't seek anything more.

As to the other, my years out here in Afghanistan have given me a totally new perspective.  Being able to enjoy the pleasures of the human body without feelings of shame or guilt and without feeling the need to pursue a 'relationship' has been liberating.  And in a way, I think that has contributed a lot to my healing process.  I'm sure some people would view that as shameful, but I no longer feel the need to hide who I am or what I want.  If anyone doesn't like it, I realise that it is actually their problem, not mine.  How different is that outlook from what I expressed only a few years ago??

This new phase of my life is bringing so many unexpected experiences and I finally feel truly able to embrace whatever life brings my way.  I honestly have no idea what the future holds and yes, I do hope that it includes him finally facing the consequences of his actions.  But I am not going to hold my breath and my future happiness certainly doesn't rest on it happening.  I live with my burdens and I am sure he lives with his.  I can only hope that he is aware of the amount of suffering he has inflicted on those of us that he chose to abuse.  And I hope that he sees that he no longer has a hold over me or my life.

Connections

“For all the artifice of the modern world, for all the smart phones, tablets and gadgets, we're no more connected now than we have ever been. If anything, we may have become more disconnected, thanks to the technologies that circumscribe our digital existence. Social media which assigns our friends a number and not a value, automated machines which keep us from interacting with human beings, passwords and ciphers which codify and compartmentalise our very identities.

But what good are these wonders of technology if they keep us running at such a fast pace, so busy that we risk missing what is right in front of our eyes? Because the true value of human endeavour lies not in feats of science, not in the push of a button or the blink of an eye, but in connecting with other people.”

I recently typed up this speech after hearing it on one of my favourite daytime TV programmes. It opened my eyes to something that I have never really thought about before and actually highlighted what could be viewed as a danger to people who are trying to deal with issues in their lives. Whilst I will never deny that today's technologies improve our lives - keeping us in touch with far flung friends and family, allowing us to access and control areas of our finances and businesses previously closed to us, enabling us to study and learn more about the world around us at the click of a mouse – it has also erected a barrier between us and those who are a part of our lives.

One thing I love is the simple hug. Such a small thing, but so powerful. Or seeing the smile in someone's eyes when they bump in to you unexpectedly. A gentle touch, saying I am right here and willing to have you in my personal space. Talking to someone, face to face and knowing that you have their attention and they are not tapping away halfheartedly at the keyboard whilst actually focusing on something else that you cannot see. Are we losing that?

And if we take this a step further, where does that leave us when it comes to our relationships with the young people in our lives? How easy will it be for them to hide the things in their lives that they are afraid to share with us? How simple will it be for them to disguise the way they are really feeling when all we see are their carefully considered words, with nothing to show their true emotions?

I spent so many years hiding how I was truly feeling from those who knew me. And looking back now, social media had a large role to play in that. I recall on one occasion chatting to a family member online, apparently happy, joking and laughing, whilst in fact I was hiding from my boys in my bedroom, sobbing. I didn't want anyone to know what I was feeling and the internet in particular provided the perfect protection and even disguise.

I remember after my suicide attempt, a good friend apologising for the fact that she did not realise how I had been feeling. Now I look back and can see how I used the internet as a shield which still allowed me to seem to communicate with everyone, whilst hiding away and building my strength back up to face the world outside, hidden by my disguise.

We are slowly but surely allowing today's technologies to distance us from those around us, without even realising it. And I am suddenly afraid of how dangerous this could prove to be. We were given five senses for a reason and when they work together they are unimaginably powerful, not only to give, but to also to receive. Maybe it's time we all took a step back and took a good look at what we are throwing away. Maybe we need to evaluate our usage of social media and the impact it is having on how we interact with those in our lives and take action before it is too late and we forget just how important it is to spend time with each other without some piece of technology stopping us making a proper connection.