Thinking!

I’ve been thinking quite a lot since my last blog post, about the fact that now I am feeling so much happier and more confident, I am telling fewer people about the issues from my past.  In the main, I rarely mention these days that I am, in fact, a Chronic Depressive.

And while I am sure I will continue to thrive, I wonder how I would cope if the rug was suddenly pulled out from underneath me.  For example, right now my job is my life.  It fulfils the need in me to serve others and almost every day something comes along to reinforce the knowledge that what I am doing makes a positive difference to other people.

I know my boys are doing okay back home without me.  I have the support of all those who really matter to me and many I would never have expected it from.

But what if things go badly wrong?  Am I strong enough yet to deal with it?  Especially when I am so far away from all those who know me, who may recognise the signs and who could possibly pull me back from the edge if it comes to that.

So, I think about it and wonder whether I should be ensuring that those around me over here are aware of where I have been and what could happen.  Should I take a few people into my confidence and spill the whole sorry story?  And give them some idea of what to watch out for?  Or would that be feeding back into the guilt I’d most likely feel, because people are worried about me?

And of course, it all comes back to the question – have I come far enough from the brink to ensure that I won’t fall over the edge again?

Changed for the better

Today I was looking back over the last two years and considering all that has happened.  And it amazes me!  Truly, I am not the same person.  In fact, very little remains of the woman who believed she was so worthless that people would be better off if she was dead.  I don’t know how much of it can be attributed to the various therapies I underwent or the different medications I still take, but I do know that three major factors have contributed to my moving away from being a Survivor and becoming a Thriver.

First and foremost – my sons!  Without their support in the days following my failed attempt, I know that I would have tried again – successfully.  I learned enough to know exactly where I went wrong and how to combat that failure.  That knowledge will always be with me, stored in the back of my mind, like a security blanket.  But my boys were amazing, taking me in, caring for me and not just telling me but actually showing me that I was loved and valued.  Yes, it took me a while to accept that their actions were more than a mere familial reaction, but eventually that understanding came.

Secondly came my return to the stage.  Not only did this provide me with a route towards escapism – it also let me do something that I know I am good at.  And as a result it allowed my confidence to begin building.  Naturally, being surrounded by like-minded people helped, but the fact that they were and still are a wonderful group of people was an added bonus.  I know that I have true friends who care about me and will be there for me when I need them, just as I would be in return.  And amazingly, now I can accept that.  I no longer feel that I don’t deserve it.

But the final factor I believe, is the one that has made the most difference, something I would never have been able to do without the first two.  And that is coming to Afghanistan.  I know I only work in a shop, but on a daily basis I get the opportunity to serve men and women who have made a conscious choice to put their lives on the line for their country.  When they come to me, hot and tired, stressed or sad, I can share a smile, help them to laugh. 

Of course I do provide access to the cold drinks and other items that they need, but to me that is actually only a small part of what I do.  I have seen it day in and day out – that expression of deep satisfaction as I hand them a cold drink with a smile on my face and even a little banter.  The exchange of money seems inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, though it is obviously a necessary evil.

But to think that not so long ago I believed that I was worthless and now when someone calls me a legend or an angel, I can smile and say ‘it’s only a pleasure ‘, without feeling like a fraud.