Mother’s Day

Today is Mother’s Day across the Southern Hemisphere and my thoughts have turned to my Mom and what she meant to me.  It is hard to see people out there talking about their Mom’s and how precious they are, knowing that my Mom is gone and I will never be able to touch her or hold her again.

And of course, I have started thinking about my relationship with her as I was growing up and how that affected what has happened to me.  If only it was possible to go back – I wonder what I would do differently?  Would I be able to use the knowledge that I now have to change what Alex did to me?

Because at the end of the day, what he did, he did to a child, with a child’s mind and a child’s perspective on life.  As I child, our understanding of the world around us bears little resemblance to what we know and understand as an adult.  And that is what is so horrific about Child Sexual Abuse.

It is actually impossible, as an adult, to understand how a child perceives not only their abuse, but also their abuser.  Usually, a child’s experience of the world is tempered by the love and nurturing of their parents.  They are protected from harm by the adults around them and are not exposed to the seedier side of life, nor the harm that one adult can do to another. 

More specifically, a child has no knowledge or understanding of the adult world of complex emotions.  To a child, emotions are simple – love/hate, like/dislike, afraid/secure, etc.  The light and shade of adult emotions do not open up to us until we hit our mid-teens and our own needs change to include romantic attraction.

And this of course, determines the way a child reacts to Child Sexual Abuse.  Not only do they understand what is being done to them but also, they cannot grasp the emotions that drive their abuser. 

So when it comes to trying to deal with the abuse once the child becomes an adult we, the victims of Child Sexual Abuse, are left in a situation where we are looking at what happened through an adult’s eyes, rather than those of a child.  Which naturally brings its own sets of problems.  We cannot accept the fact that we did not get help, we grapple with the fact that we ‘allowed’ it to happen, we rail against the idea that we let it carry on and on and on.  We are seeing what happened through an adult’s eyes, with adult knowledge, experience and perceptions and find it difficult to accept that we were not to blame.

Understanding

Well, the loss of my Uncle and my exclusion from everything connected with his passing has brought so many things swirling to the forefront of my mind.  I don’t want or expect sympathy from anyone, especially not in connection with my alienation from my family.  Although my mind tells me that what has happened over the last few months is Alex’s fault, I still feel responsible for the pain that I have caused my family.

Don’t get me wrong – for the most part, I do not regret speaking up, but there is still a small part of me that longs for the loving arms of my family and wishes that I had just kept it all to myself.  I may have continued to suffer but my family at least, would not have all of this hanging over them.

But I have learned one very valuable lesson.  No-one out there understands.  Oh yes, they can come out with all of the platitudes and they can try to see it from my point of view.  But they haven’t been through what I have, so they can never truly no how I feel. 

I have one very good friend who herself, was a victim of Child Sexual Abuse.  From what she has told me, her abuser was a much older man and abused not only her, but many other girls from the town where we grew up.  We’ll call her Di.

Di understands some of what I talk about, having been in a similar position herself – the total lack of self-esteem, low self confidence and feeling suicidal.  Like me, she also attempted to end it all, also unsuccessfully.  In fact, Di made many attempts.  However, she now seems to have come to terms with what was done to her.  She does not feel any anger towards her abuser, nor does she constantly wrestle with the memories.

Another stark difference is her recollection of the abuse.  She remembers it and did not go through any period where she had blocked it out.  This could possibly be because she was older than I was at the time of the abuse, or it could just be due to a different mindset.  Di did not have parents like mine, where the only lack was the demonstration of love and affection.

But talking to Di over the last couple of weeks has not helped me as it has in the past.  It has actually increased my feeling of isolation.  If she can come to terms with the abuse and ‘let it go’, why can’t I?  Is it another failing in me?  My anger and bitterness are festering inside me and I am afraid that I am doing this to myself?  Is it really within my power to say ‘enough is enough, just let it go’ or am I just too weak? 

I do want to move on with my life, but I really do find myself unable to let go of the negative emotions connected to what happened.  I want him to pay for what he has done to me and I cannot convince myself that is wrong.  Why should Alex be allowed to get away with it?