Right now I am feeling somewhat reflective. I have just returned to work after a five
week holiday and stretching in from of me is another 6 month tour. It’s purely my choice of course, but I have
started really thinking about why I am here and what I hope to get out of it in
the end, especially in the light of the events of the last couple of weeks.
To be honest, when I returned this time I did not get the
posting that I was hoping for. I was
deeply disappointed, but accepted the fact that everything was not about me out
here, so decided to get on with the job in hand and make the best of it. A few days later an opportunity arose which I
would never have had if I’d got what I wanted originally. I am now heading in an entirely different
direction, but am still want to focus on the reason I came here in the first
place – to serve.
Then we had our ‘incident’ and I started to really think about
my reasons for taking on this job. Was
it really entirely selfless or was there an element of selfishness in the
choice? And the more I have thought
about it, the more I have realised that the two go hand in hand. Yes, I want to do something for others. I want to make other people’s lives better in
any way I can. Because at the end of the
day, this is what makes me feel worthwhile.
This is what gives me a reason to live.
And then it struck me – I have never felt this good about
myself! I have never had this much
self-confidence! And for the first time
ever, I am not putting on a front or a performance to fool people into
believing that I am something that I am not.
I am actually being me! The real
‘me’ has finally come to the fore! I am
stunned. And I am overjoyed.
I’ve accepted that what has happened in my past is just that –
in the past. It no longer has a hold
over me and the pain is no longer unbearable.
In fact, I really, truly know that my past has made me a better person
in many ways that more than make up for all that was taken from me. I finally believe that I have moved on not
from a Victim to a Survivor, but from a Survivor to a Thriver. And it gives me such a thrill to be able to
type that, knowing in my heart of hearts that it is true.
I think I will probably be posting fairly regularly over the
next few weeks as I need to record all these feelings that are flowing through
me and all the thoughts rolling around in my head. I also want to share it with those who follow
my blog, especially those who have given me so much support over the last few years.
