How is it that when you are talking to someone else, it is so easy to read the situation they are in, analyse the facts and suggest actions with a fair amount of accuracy? And yet, when it comes to your own personal circumstances, it is never, ever that simple.
Take the case of a friend of mine. She has had quite strong feelings for another friend for a number of years, even at one point letting him know that she perhaps hopes for more from the relationship than he does. She has been there for him through a few emotional upheavals and I know for a fact that she will continue to do so. And yet, despite the fact that she knows full well that he is pursuing relationships with other women she continues to hope that one day he will see what is right before his eyes and realise that she is the one for him. And all this despite the fact that he has never given her any indication that he feels anything more for her than friendship.
Why does this happen? She is a fairly switched on woman, who has been through a lot and dealt with it. She can help and advise other friends and always seems to hit the nail right on the head, but when it comes to her own personal relationships, she is an absolute mess. Is there some underlying reason why she actively pursues relationships with no strings and continues to hold her heart in abeyance for the one man who is looking elsewhere?
It really fascinates me. Like me, she is in a target rich environment, though probably not one that is conducive to building a lasting relationship. Nevertheless, even when the opportunity presents itself, she still seems to sabotage herself, hiding behind a facade of nonchalance.
Which brings me back to masks. I've realised I am actually still wearing a mask. I do truly feeling joy in my life and I am making the most of many of the opportunities that come my way. Mostly, I live life to the full and I've learnt to want what I have and appreciate it all to the full. But there is one part of me that is locked away from the world at large. That one part that if allowed out into the light of day could in fact, make my life complete or completely destroy everything I have worked so hard to achieve.
Sad isn't it? Maybe one day I will be able to fully acknowledge that side of me, but I'm not quite ready yet. Right now, I will just shelter the very core of myself and build a more stable foundation for a meaningful relationship in the future.
Monday 19 May 2014
Wednesday 14 May 2014
Fact vs Opinion
Today I am absolutely seething. A little message for those that read this blog - if you don't like it, don't read it!! When you see the link on someone else's Facebook (because you aren't on mine), don't click on it!! It's that simple.
And just in case that one person is reading this - you have an opinion, I have facts as I believe them. Don't let it confuse you!
To clarify, I posted a blog entry onto my Facebook yesterday, as well as sharing a couple of posts that spoke to me personally. In no way did I mention any names, nor drop any hints as to the identity of the person who I claim sexually abused me as a child. I named him once on my Facebook, years ago now, but since then I have stuck to non de plumes whenever I have referred to what happened.
However, one person took it upon herself to click on the link to my blog (which must have appeared on someone else's Facebook, since she is not connected to mine) and read yesterday's post. She then proceeded to take offence and send me a most offensive and disrespectful message.
To her and any other's who may feel as she does - I write this blog for a number of reasons, not least of which because it helps me. I have also, through the blog, made contact with other victims, survivors and friends and family of victims and survivors. Sharing my experiences with them helps them and me in ways other people could probably never understand. I have had a few people I know come up to me, after reading a blog post and open up to me about their own experiences. I have had messages asking for help from family and friends of victims. What I have shared on here has helped them to identify some of what their loved ones are going through.
And let's just get one things straight - what I write on here is my story! It is the facts as I see them, from my point of view and yes, with my bias. He has never, ever responded to my accusations; not to deny or confirm. He has in fact, completely blocked me from every facet of his life. Additionally, when I publicly acknowledged what happened to me, I did not do it lightly. When I named him, I though about it long and hard first. It was very hard for me to do and I was fully aware of all that I stood to lose. Believe me, I lost members of my family with whom I was very close. One in fact who was my closest link to my Mother. It tore me apart, but it was something I realised that I had to do. There was just no way other for me to move on with my life and protect myself and my sons from the actions I may take if I continued to keep the abuse a secret.
It is just too easy when noone knows what you are going through to build a wall around your true feelings and keep them hidden. In fact, it is easier in a way. Confronting what happened to me was one of the hardest things I have ever done and admitting it to people made me feel less than worthless and dirty. There are still times when I feel less than those around me, but those times are becoming fewer. I will not deny that sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change what happened to me, but then I think it through and realise that I like who I am now and don't want to be anyone else. So I embrace my past and use it to build my future.
As to him?? I don't know what goes through his head. I have no idea whether he ever thinks back to what he did to me and my friends and feels guilty. Does he ever contemplate making an apology or even acknowledging us? Will he ever stand up and make himself accountable for his actions? Yes, that is what I want, but my happiness no longer depends on it. I would like it to happen, but I don't need it. I can't speak for his other surviving victim and obviously it is too late for the other.
I can only hope that in even a small way, I can take my experiences and use them to help other's who are going through the things I did. My future is not yet written, but if I have my way, I will only grow stronger and stronger.
And again I stress - what I write are facts according to my recollection. I cannot prove any of it and chances are he will never be made accountable for nor even acknowledge what he did. So believe me or don't, that is your choice, but please remember - you have an opinion only and you do not have the right to use it to abuse me further. I will not stand for it, nor will I allow it to affect me for more than a short time, before I move on with my life.
And just in case that one person is reading this - you have an opinion, I have facts as I believe them. Don't let it confuse you!
To clarify, I posted a blog entry onto my Facebook yesterday, as well as sharing a couple of posts that spoke to me personally. In no way did I mention any names, nor drop any hints as to the identity of the person who I claim sexually abused me as a child. I named him once on my Facebook, years ago now, but since then I have stuck to non de plumes whenever I have referred to what happened.
However, one person took it upon herself to click on the link to my blog (which must have appeared on someone else's Facebook, since she is not connected to mine) and read yesterday's post. She then proceeded to take offence and send me a most offensive and disrespectful message.
To her and any other's who may feel as she does - I write this blog for a number of reasons, not least of which because it helps me. I have also, through the blog, made contact with other victims, survivors and friends and family of victims and survivors. Sharing my experiences with them helps them and me in ways other people could probably never understand. I have had a few people I know come up to me, after reading a blog post and open up to me about their own experiences. I have had messages asking for help from family and friends of victims. What I have shared on here has helped them to identify some of what their loved ones are going through.
And let's just get one things straight - what I write on here is my story! It is the facts as I see them, from my point of view and yes, with my bias. He has never, ever responded to my accusations; not to deny or confirm. He has in fact, completely blocked me from every facet of his life. Additionally, when I publicly acknowledged what happened to me, I did not do it lightly. When I named him, I though about it long and hard first. It was very hard for me to do and I was fully aware of all that I stood to lose. Believe me, I lost members of my family with whom I was very close. One in fact who was my closest link to my Mother. It tore me apart, but it was something I realised that I had to do. There was just no way other for me to move on with my life and protect myself and my sons from the actions I may take if I continued to keep the abuse a secret.
It is just too easy when noone knows what you are going through to build a wall around your true feelings and keep them hidden. In fact, it is easier in a way. Confronting what happened to me was one of the hardest things I have ever done and admitting it to people made me feel less than worthless and dirty. There are still times when I feel less than those around me, but those times are becoming fewer. I will not deny that sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change what happened to me, but then I think it through and realise that I like who I am now and don't want to be anyone else. So I embrace my past and use it to build my future.
As to him?? I don't know what goes through his head. I have no idea whether he ever thinks back to what he did to me and my friends and feels guilty. Does he ever contemplate making an apology or even acknowledging us? Will he ever stand up and make himself accountable for his actions? Yes, that is what I want, but my happiness no longer depends on it. I would like it to happen, but I don't need it. I can't speak for his other surviving victim and obviously it is too late for the other.
I can only hope that in even a small way, I can take my experiences and use them to help other's who are going through the things I did. My future is not yet written, but if I have my way, I will only grow stronger and stronger.
And again I stress - what I write are facts according to my recollection. I cannot prove any of it and chances are he will never be made accountable for nor even acknowledge what he did. So believe me or don't, that is your choice, but please remember - you have an opinion only and you do not have the right to use it to abuse me further. I will not stand for it, nor will I allow it to affect me for more than a short time, before I move on with my life.
Tuesday 13 May 2014
Reflections
Working in a place that allows me a lot of time to think is proving quite invaluable. I am now really starting to get to grips with the things that are and have been going on in my head.
Yes, that part of me that tried to end it all is still there, but the newer part and now the stronger part keeps that side of me in check. I am still angry at him and still a little bitter at what he stole from me. I don't think that will ever change. But realising that I cannot change what happened to me in my past, I now embrace the changes that it made in my life.
Saying that, I realise that parts of my personality in fact contradict my past. I suppose you could call me quite brazen and open and those are not generally traits that are associated with survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. I will openly admit that my life as it is now suits my outlook and expectations. I no longer strive to find that 'perfect' relationship nor seek to find someone with whom I can share my life on a permanent basis. And yet that is totally contrary to the accepted mindset of a victim or survivor.
I spent so many years looking for love, and because of the abuse, associating love with sex. Now I believe that the two are in fact mutually exclusive and either of them can be enjoyed and celebrated without the other. There are so many types of love, familial and romantic being the main ones and I draw my gratification on that front from the love of my family and friends. And as I stand now, I am satisfied with that and don't seek anything more.
As to the other, my years out here in Afghanistan have given me a totally new perspective. Being able to enjoy the pleasures of the human body without feelings of shame or guilt and without feeling the need to pursue a 'relationship' has been liberating. And in a way, I think that has contributed a lot to my healing process. I'm sure some people would view that as shameful, but I no longer feel the need to hide who I am or what I want. If anyone doesn't like it, I realise that it is actually their problem, not mine. How different is that outlook from what I expressed only a few years ago??
This new phase of my life is bringing so many unexpected experiences and I finally feel truly able to embrace whatever life brings my way. I honestly have no idea what the future holds and yes, I do hope that it includes him finally facing the consequences of his actions. But I am not going to hold my breath and my future happiness certainly doesn't rest on it happening. I live with my burdens and I am sure he lives with his. I can only hope that he is aware of the amount of suffering he has inflicted on those of us that he chose to abuse. And I hope that he sees that he no longer has a hold over me or my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)