Perspective

It’s amazing how one’s perspective can shift in twenty four hours.  Don’t get me wrong – I still feel like Alex is winning and that I will never get back all that he took from me, but after receiving so much support from friends, I am hoping that I can make something of myself in the future.

It’s not that I am getting my head straight.  Definitely not.  I still feel dirty and useless.  But there seem to be people out there who believe in me and although I believe that they are way off the mark, I don’t want to let them down.  I have already done that to one person recently, who thought he was doing the right thing, and I don’t want to do it again.

No promises though.  That is something else I am learning.  I have a long road to travel and I know that I am going to hit some deep valleys along the way.  Those will be the times when I find it hardest to control myself and my emotions.  That control is something that was taken from me thirty three years ago.  Whether I will ever be able to get it back remains to be seen.

A large part of me wishes that people would leave me alone.  That way I cannot hurt them nor betray them.  It isn’t that I want to be isolated, it’s just that I want to protect them.  Will it make that much difference anyway?  I already feel isolated. 

By the turmoil that is going on inside me that they can never see or understand.  By the terrible pictures in my head that I pray they will never be exposed to.  By the panic that overtakes me when I feel exposed and insecure.  By the visions of vengeance that sometimes crowd into my mind.  Vengeance against Alex and those who protect him, whilst leaving me exposed to all this pain.

Over the last few days I have spent a lot of time trawling through different websites dealing with survivors of Child Sexual Abuse and it never ceases to amaze me that we are called survivors by so many people out there.  Survivors?  This is surviving?  I definitely question whether it is worth it, especially when I see stories from other victims who have already been undergoing treatment for years.

What have I then got to look forward to?  I am still at the point where I am trying to get the treatment I need.  Naturally, it would be much easier if Alex would do the honest thing and offer to finance at least a part of the treatment, but I have no doubt that he doesn’t have a decent bone in his body.

I know that I am sounding bitter and rambling a lot, but I feel like I am rotting from the inside out.  The anger is eating away at me and leaving a pathetic shell that merely looks like me.  I know my anger is turning against people who are only trying to help and leaving them burned and hurt.  But I just can’t stop it.  I cannot seem to bite off the words before they burst through my lips.