Today I was looking back over the last two years and
considering all that has happened. And
it amazes me! Truly, I am not the same
person. In fact, very little remains of
the woman who believed she was so worthless that people would be better off if
she was dead. I don’t know how much of
it can be attributed to the various therapies I underwent or the different
medications I still take, but I do know that three major factors have
contributed to my moving away from being a Survivor and becoming a Thriver.
First and foremost – my sons!
Without their support in the days following my failed attempt, I know
that I would have tried again – successfully.
I learned enough to know exactly where I went wrong and how to combat
that failure. That knowledge will always
be with me, stored in the back of my mind, like a security blanket. But my boys were amazing, taking me in,
caring for me and not just telling me but actually showing me that I was loved
and valued. Yes, it took me a while to
accept that their actions were more than a mere familial reaction, but
eventually that understanding came.
Secondly came my return to the stage. Not only did this provide me with a route
towards escapism – it also let me do something that I know I am good at. And as a result it allowed my confidence to
begin building. Naturally, being
surrounded by like-minded people helped, but the fact that they were and still
are a wonderful group of people was an added bonus. I know that I have true friends who care
about me and will be there for me when I need them, just as I would be in
return. And amazingly, now I can accept
that. I no longer feel that I don’t
deserve it.
But the final factor I believe, is the one that has made the
most difference, something I would never have been able to do without the first
two. And that is coming to
Afghanistan. I know I only work in a shop,
but on a daily basis I get the opportunity to serve men and women who have made
a conscious choice to put their lives on the line for their country. When they come to me, hot and tired, stressed
or sad, I can share a smile, help them to laugh.
Of course I do provide access to the cold drinks and other
items that they need, but to me that is actually only a small part of what I
do. I have seen it day in and day out –
that expression of deep satisfaction as I hand them a cold drink with a smile
on my face and even a little banter. The
exchange of money seems inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, though
it is obviously a necessary evil.
But to think that not so long ago I believed that I was
worthless and now when someone calls me a legend or an angel, I can smile and
say ‘it’s only a pleasure ‘, without feeling like a fraud.
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