Flashbacks

Amazing! Just when I think that my past is behind me, it rears its ugly head and bites me again! I'm angry, disappointed and scared. Will I ever be able to completely move beyond what he did to me?

I had a flashback this afternoon. I was listening to music with one of my boys and a song that I have always loved came on - John Denver's 'Take me home, country road'. Up until now, I've associated this song with the happy times when I first started dating my boys' father.  The two of us, relaxing and singing along together. 

Then, as I stood listening to the track, I suddenly flashed back to a day in 'Alex's' bedroom when he was playing the same song! The flashback only lasted a couple of seconds, but it was enough to completely throw me.  How could I still love this music? How could I have spent so long associating with happy times? How could I enjoy that same music so much? Now as I type this, I am actually getting even more confused. So much of the music that I love from my childhood, I listened to with 'Alex'. He introduced me to many of my favourite artists! It just doesn't make sense.

Is there something wrong with me? I'm questioning everything again. Surely the songs that he played whilst he abused me should trigger a negative reaction in me now? I don't get it...

And of course, because of past experience, I am too scared to let myself go to sleep. It has been years since I had one of those nightmares, but with the way I am feeling now and the memory so fresh... I just don't know. I really thought I was beyond this now and that I had completely taken back control of my life. I believed that he couldn't hurt me anymore and I am so angry that after I have come so far, he still can!