Just be me?

Sometimes I get to wondering what would happen if I dropped all pretence, discarded all the masks and was just me.  Broken me.  Could people stand to be around me if they truly saw how I was feeling or even had an inkling of what I was thinking?

I know that thanks to the Hyperarousal, I often completely misinterpret what people say to me.  I hear the tone of voice, I can see the body language, but still I manage to completely twist things in my head.  Then I spend hours and even days, beating myself up, worrying about something that a part of me knows is purely imagined.

Let me try to explain Hyperarousal.  It is part of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).  It is possible to suffer from Hyperarousal without suffering PTSD, but the opposite is not true.  Symptoms are all because of the nervous system being in a constant state of activation.  The most obvious are the exaggerated startle reaction and irritability.  What isn’t so clear to see is the insomnia, reduced tolerance for pain, difficulty concentrating and constantly being ‘on guard’.  Then of course, depending on how well you know the sufferer, you may experience their irritability, panic and anxiety and the fatigue that makes it difficult for them to function.

All of this adds up to a waking nightmare.  Because of the enhanced awareness, everything that is said and done is over-analysed.  Picked over for hours on end, looking for the hidden meaning that will fit with the sufferers’ view of themselves. 

An example could be where someone says kindly, we are keeping an eye on you.  This statement most likely means that the person/people are aware that the sufferer is having a hard time and they are looking out for them.  To the person with Hyperarousal, that simple statement will be taken with a completely negative connotation.  Most likely a person with Hyperarousal would believe that people have noticed that they are not ‘normal’ and are ‘a burden to society’ and they are being monitored to find a way to get rid of them.

To the best of my knowledge there isn’t a cure.  All that can be done is for the victim to ensure that they take their medication as prescribed and to work on strategies to deal with their reactions.  There isn’t any way to stop jumping at shadows or to stop the panic.  But they can learn to deal with the fall out.  The best thing I ever learnt to do was to control my panic attacks without outside assistance.  Slowly I am also working on controlling the irritability, or at least warning people when I am on edge.  It’s all part of the journey and it doesn’t get easier.  But every little achievement means oh so much.

But I still wonder how people would react if I dropped all pretence, discarded all the masks and was just me……