Reasons or excuses?

All sorts of questions seem to be plaguing me at the moment.  The latest one is where do you draw the line when blaming current behaviours on past experiences?  What I mean is, how do you really know what is a character flaw and what is a result of what happened?

I find myself so often blaming my more negative traits on what I experienced as a child.  I behaved badly as a teenager because I was trying to block out what he did to me.  I hide behind a mask because I have low self-esteem, because he took that away from me and made me feel worthless.  I avoid friends and family when I’m low because I don’t want to drag them down, because I don’t feel worth their support, because he made me feel dirty.  I don’t face up to things because I have learned that it is safer to hide, because he taught me to hide and lie, because he did what he did to me and made me feel as though I was the one at fault.

The list just goes on and on and when I really think about it, I realise that every time I come across something within me that I do not like, I seem to find a way to blame it all on what he did to me.  And if I do enough research, I can find scholarly articles to back me up and medical papers to fit the bill.  But really, can I blame everything that is wrong in my life on something that happened so long ago?

A large part of me says ‘of course you can!’  He took an innocent child and did things to her that she had no way of understanding or comprehending.  That must have far reaching effects.  But there has got to be a limit surely? 

So how do I know the difference?  I just don’t know.  It is so frustrating and I realise now that I need to be so careful.  I can spend the rest of my life blaming everything on the abuse and maybe I am justified and correct.  But will that help me to improve and grow?  I am starting to think that maybe what I need to do is more than just try and focus on the positive.  Maybe I need to look at the negative stuff too and stop making excuses.  Even as I type this, there is an argument going on in my head.  After what I went through, I have an excuse!  But what if constantly using that excuse is holding me back?

So where the hell does that leave me?  I am just as confused as ever.  I know I need to take responsibility for my actions, decisions and behaviours, but it pisses me off that I must face this dilemma at all.  And can I survive if my excuses are taken away from me?  Will I be better or worse off?  The terrifying part is I won’t know until I decide one way or another.  And right now I really don’t feel brave enough.