It's back again

I suppose it was inevitable, but I really had hoped it wouldn’t happen!  It’s back ... not debilitating – not even close to the level it has been in the past.  But back just the same.

Of course, I am talking about the Depression.  Yes, I know it was never truly gone, but it was so well masked by the medication that I honestly believed I had a handle on it.  I didn’t need the therapy any more, nor the support group.  Or so I thought.  And strangely, the fact that the Depression is back makes me more depressed!  I know the Doctor has told me that I will most likely battle with it for the rest of my life, but I was beginning to think that it would just be odd moments that would be numbed by the tablets.

Not so.  It’s a real kicker!  I feel inadequate and broken.  The feelings that I am not good enough are lurking in the back of my mind, niggling away at my consciousness and causing me to question everything I do and say.  Please, don’t think that I am saying that I feel anywhere near the absolute low that I experienced two years ago, because I don’t.  But the sad fact is that I need to accept that this is it.  This is what I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. 

And I look at the people around me and wonder how I would have turned out if I’d had their life.  Not so much their opportunities or lack thereof, but the sexual security with which they grew up.  I am again finding myself hating Alex for what he stole from me.  As much as I am telling myself that I cannot let him ruin the rest of my life, right now I am finding it hard to believe that.  I can’t seem to fight it.  The anger is building up inside me yet again and I admit, I am frightened!  I just don’t know how it will manifest itself this time around.

I question whether I will be able to control the destructive tendencies that take over my psyche.  One way or another, I always end up doing or saying something that results in pain.  Pain for me and pain for those who care about me.  And that is the one thing that I am clinging on to ... this time around I realise that there are people who care about me.  There are people out there to whom it matters whether I live or die.  And that makes the difference!