Blending

Well, I have spent the last week analysing how I am feeling and trying to figure out why.  I know that the time has come for me to move on, but I need to be sure that the decisions I make are the right ones.

Somehow or other, I seem to have progressed a lot in a very short space of time.  I am pretty sure that I am not going to continue going forward and that at some point I will slip backwards, but I finally believe that I have what it takes to make it through.  I have not even thought of my escape route for days now.

So what has changed?  First of all the theatre.  Being back on the stage, even if I am just in the chorus is fantastic.  Somehow when I walk through the door, I know exactly who I am and I’m comfortable in my own skin, being the person that I am.  In the theatre I am the other Bella and not just pretending to be her.  I don’t have to try.  I can just be.

And of course work.  Spending three weeks working with a professional theatre group has been phenomenal.  Not only have I been able to stay close to something that is dear to me, but also the energy of the actors has rubbed off on me.  In a way, I have absorbed some of their confidence.  I am looking at the world in a new way and long may it last.

I have had the chance to look back over my life in a more objective way and although my little Bella is still hurting, I can see my way clear to integrating the two parts of me.  It isn’t going to happen overnight, but it now seems like a real possibility.

And what this means?  I cannot continue to live as one Bella or the other, but I need to find a way to bring the two together.  A way to draw on the best parts of each one and cope with the parts that I don’t like or cannot deal with.  I will never leave the pain and hurt behind, but I think maybe, just maybe I can draw on it to make myself into a better and more complete person.

Oh yes, I still want to see Alex pay for what he did and I am still angry that he is getting away with it.  And I am still pursuing every avenue to ensure that what he deserves will ultimately come his way.  But it’s no longer a driving force in my life.  It is just something I want to do and I will not allow it to rule my life.  I’ve said that before, I know and probably in the future I will slip back into my old habits and allow the pain to overtake my life, but for now I think I have the balance right and long may it last.