Next Steps

Unfortunately, there is no way to go back in time and undo all the damage that has been done to me and those that I love, but at least I can try to go forward with a more positive outlook. 

I really wish that my parents were still alive to see the changes that are taking place in my life.  I have never blamed them for what happened to me – back in the 1970’s sexual abuse was not something that people were really aware of, so it was understandable that no-one would recognise the signs.  To everyone else, Alex was this lovely young man who could do no wrong and they had no way of knowing what a despicable animal he really was. 

I still haven’t forgiven him, nor am I sure that I ever will.  But I am trying to accept that what happened is in the past and I cannot change it.  All I can do is look ahead and not allow it to control my life and my decisions.

Easier said than done, I know.  I am absolutely certain that I have some very dark times ahead, but I also suspect that I might have the strength to make it through.  And if I don’t, it seems that I have a lot of friends who care enough to help me get through whatever comes my way. 

I need, of course, to learn to accept the help that is offered to me without that feeling of guilt that I am undeserving.

So next steps.  

My referral to Health in Mind eventually came through and I met with a lovely Mental Health worker at my doctors surgery.  Going in I knew that it was absolutely essential for me to be as honest as I could.  I do want to get better.  I do want to learn how to cope with what has happened to me and how it has affected my life.  I know that I have to find a way to forgive myself.  As strange as that sounds, I think that will be the hardest thing of all. 

So I sat through the assessment, doing my best not to hide the truth.  Maybe that wasn't such a good plan.  She picked up that I was still considering suicide.

Don't get me wrong.  I there is a huge difference between considering suicide and actually planning it.  For me suicide is my emergency escape route.  Like a security blanket.  It's nice to know that I have the option, all planned out and ready to go if I need it.  My options are open and I have a selection, depending on the situation.  Strangely enough, my plan also includes making sure that my choice will have the least effect on those that have to pick up the pieces.

I have actually had a friend who told me that my concern for the effects on others shows that I am not really suicidal.  How little people understand.  No offence to my friend, but considering other's feelings is an integral part of my personality.  I cannot help but believe that I am worthless and hand in hand with that goes the belief that I do not have the right to interfere with the lives of others.  And that also means the inconvenience caused to the emergency services who would have to deal with me.

This does not mean that I am not serious, it just means that although suicide is viewed as a selfish act a fact I cannot disprove, I see it as a way of relieving the stress of those who have to live and work with me.  Why should they have to live with any amount of concern over my welfare?  Can they not see that I am just a waste of time?

Of course, being honest about the fact that I am still researching the various methods of suicide and have not ruled out the possibility only resulted in the Mental Health worker referring me over to the Psychiatric Intervention Team.  Oh and that just helped me feel better!  Not!  Now I was wasting someone else's time.

But I accepted the referral.  If I was serious about trying to move on with my life, I had to accept any and all help that was offered..