Trying to move forward

Sadly, in the end, I told Hilda by text message!  In a fit of rage.  I know it was the wrong way to go about it, but after spending 33 years considering everyone else’s feelings and never my own, I took the selfish route.  

Isn’t it strange that the one thing she was accusing me of would directly affect her?  I’d had a massive argument with My middle son, an argument that was caused by Hilda.  I thought that I had lost him and that was something I just could not handle.  I wanted to punish Hilda and hurt her the way that she and her brother had been hurting me for the last 33 years.

I haven’t heard from her since I sent it.  As far as I know, neither have my sons.  I also have not heard from Alex.  And I am still justifying my actions by saying that he is the one who should be thinking of his family, not me.  

He did this, he is to blame and it’s time that he took some of the responsibility for what he did.  And if he is gutless enough not to do so, then so be it.  I am not willing to let him make me suffer any more.  I am not going to allow him to control me and my life any longer, even if he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it.  I am working at wresting that control away from him and I don’t plan to give it back.

I have no idea what is in store for me.  I don’t know whether I will be able to cope with life from now on, but I do know that it isn’t going to be easy.  I’ve got a very long way to go.

I am still sleeping on my beanbag in my son’s lounge.  I don’t really have a home of my own, nor do I really have much of a plan.

But I have the knowledge that I have started to take the necessary steps to begin putting my life back together and on to the right track.  The realisation has dawned that I am always going to be two people, but I need to find a way to meld the two together into a united whole.

For now, I go from day to day, taking one step at a time, relying heavily on the people around me for support.  And for now, they don’t seem to mind.  I have two motto’s – the first is that I need to deal with today and let tomorrow take care of itself.

The other is something that a member of the Psych team at the hospital told me – a crisis is just an opportunity for a new beginning.  I had reached my crisis point and now needed to take the opportunity to start again.  To start afresh and deal with the issues that had been ruining my life.