It just goes on and on

When I was released from hospital, I moved in with my boys.  Not only was it not a good idea for me to be on my own, but other problems with my flat precluded my return there.  My middle son took control of clearing out my flat and moving the things I would need into their home.  Not the ideal situation – sleeping on a beanbag in the boys lounge, but better than nothing.  And at least I had my sons near me.  I knew that one way or another, I had a long road ahead of me.

But I had also realised something else.  I had friends who cared about me.  It was really hard to accept, as I didn’t believe I deserved it.  There was still a feeling hanging over me that when they realised the truth about me, they would run away from me as fast as they could.  But there was another part of me that was aware that I was not a total waste of oxygen.  Conflicted just does not begin to describe how I felt.

I needed to make some major decisions, some really hard choices and I just was not sure that I could do it.  And I know I would not have been able to do it without the support of some very special friends.  Firstly, the friend who supported me when I came to the decision to report the sexual abuse to the Police.  Who went with me to the Police Station.  It’s funny, but I honestly expected the Police to be a lot less supportive.  There was no negativity and the officer who took my original statement remained detached and matter of fact, which was exactly what I needed.

Later, the two officers who came to take my full statement were also amazingly supportive and kind.  One of them, to his credit and my eternal surprise, actually stopped me at one point to tell me that he thought that what I was doing was incredibly brave!  Another boost that I needed.  Maybe, just maybe, I did not need to hide any longer.

But still the fear stayed with me – that it would all come out and I would be judged and found wanting.  Despite the fact that everyone who I had come into contact with and that knew the whole story was supportive, I still could not believe that I deserved there kindness.  And of course, Alex’s total silence and Hilda’s judgement were weighing me down. 

I started wondering how people would react if they knew what I had tried to do.  When I returned to work, the eyes of my colleagues weighed heavily on me.  I felt like a total fraud.  How could I lie to these people, who I was supposed to admire?  But what could I do?  

On the one hand, I believed that the best thing would be to tell them all the truth, but on the other hand I didn’t think that I had the strength to handle their rejection.