Hostage to my emotions

It’s strange.  I know exactly what is wrong with me.  I know exactly what I need to change to improve my life.  But the power to do it seems to be just outside my reach.  I feel as though I am a hostage to my own emotions.

It isn’t that I want to feel this way, nor behave as I do.  If I could just flick a switch and change it, I would.  In fact, more than anything, I would just like to blank out all that happened and the effects it has had on my life.  Just somehow forget it all happened and move on.

One thing I have come to accept is that there are people out there who think that it is as simple as that.  I have had quite a few people tell me that what happened is all in the past and I need to just forget about it and get on with my life.  Hah!!!  Do they really think that if it was that easy I wouldn’t have done it all ready?  Me and every other person going through this?

I try not to be angry with them, just as I try not to let it hurt me.  I don’t honestly expect anyone to understand what I am going through, unless they have been there and one thing I hope is that they haven’t, but I do hope that they can at least be open minded enough to realise that I am trying. 

Sorry if I sound so bitter and angry.   But I am.  Angry that I am not getting anywhere.  Angry that Alex is getting away with what he has done to me.  Bitter when I look at how much of my life has been ruined by him.  Angry that although I have sworn not to let him control my life any longer, I cannot seem to break free.

To add insult to injury, it seems that my own brother has withdrawn his support.  Many years ago, he discussed what had happened with the boy’s father, actually confirming that he had known it was happening.  I don’t blame him for not doing anything about it, but I would like to know why.  I’d also like to have his support. 

Yes, my coming forward about what Alex did to me has hurt his family.  But should I really be held accountable for that?  Surely the blame should be laid squarely at his door?  But my brother obviously doesn’t see it that way.  He won’t even talk about what has gone on and when I try to raise the subject, he just clams up.

Having spoken to other survivors, this seems to be quite common.  Families often treat the victim like a pariah or try to act as though the sexual abuse never happened.  Acting as though it will go away if no one talks about it.

But that is not possible.   In my mind, families should be there to support us.  They should realise that their rejection of the facts merely adds insult to injury. 

And that is the main reason I am so grateful for my friends and colleagues.  They have been unstintingly supportive and for that I will be eternally grateful.  In some ways it has eased the pain of rejection by my family.