Repercussions

My Manager took control of things on the work side, ensuring that my job would be secure for when I was able to return.  Working together with the friend who I'd discovered had called the ambulance, he put into place a system of support.  He visited me at the hospital, ensuring that I had everything I needed.  Not only did he focus on work issues, but also offered his help and support in any other area that we needed.  He had only told those who absolutely had to know, exactly what had transpired.  Others, who asked, were told I had taken some time off.

Before being released from hospital, I was referred for a Psych evaluation.  Hah!  As if I didn’t know what was wrong already.  I was a useless waste of space who did not deserve to live and was nothing but trouble.

 

The Psych team were yet again, lovely people.  My one hour appointment lasted for about three hours and during that time, I realised things that I had never seen before.  My view of myself, the wreck I had made of my marriage, the way I had behaved as a teenager, my quest for acceptance in late childhood – it could all be traced back to one thing.  To one action.  To one person.  Alex.

I don’t think I have ever hated anyone as much as I hated him at the moment that the realisation hit me!  Here I was, a total emotional wreck and there he was, sitting in his lovely home, with his wonderful life, still pulling my strings, even though he wasn’t aware he was doing it.

How on earth could I have allowed this to happen?  What kind of an idiot was I that I had spent all these years letting him control me?  And ironically, all these years his family had treated me as though I was the second-rate citizen.  

It was time I took control.  I knew exactly what the Psyche team needed to hear so that they would allow me to be released, so I obliged.  Of course I realised that I had made a mistake (not!).  No, I would not do something so stupid again (hah!  Stupid to fail!).  Yes, I wanted to get help so that I could get better (Oh please, nothing could help except to go back 33 years and change it all).

But I wanted to stop wasting the staff's time at the hospital, so I said whatever was expected of me.  I knew deep down inside that it would only be a matter of time before I figured out a foolproof way to die.  One that would cause the least distress to those who would have to clear up after me and one that I could be sure would work!