Disaster

I still believe that something in me sensed the mental problems in him, and that was what drew me to him.  He needed me and I needed to be needed.

The marriage only lasted a few months, which really were a few months longer than it should have.  

The final straw came when I found out that he had been physically and emotionally abusing my boys.  I was absolutely devastated.  A young woman, who lived on our property had witnessed a number of incidents.  On one occasion she had seen him chasing my eldest son, brandishing a hammer, on another he had locked my boys outside the garden and left them sitting beside the road, in 35 degree heat, until shortly before I was due home from work.  I could not believe that I had let them down!  When they needed me most I had retreated so far inside that I had not picked up any of this.  I immediately confronted him and a massive physical argument ensued.  But this time I kept my head.

I managed to get him out of the house and yelled for my sons to run to my parents house and get help.  Unfortunately, my rock refused to leave me!  Having no other choice, I ran back into the house and locked the doors before my husband could follow me in.  The boys were almost hysterical with fear, clinging to me as they sobbed.  How could I have allowed this to happen?

My rock, always the most level headed of the boys, came up with a plan.  We could escape together through his bedroom window.  He insisted that there was no way he would leave without me.  I knew deep down that I had to stay to distract my husband.  A line had been crossed when I finally stood up to him and there was no way that he would allow us to leave without a fight.  I managed to convince the boys that I would distract him whilst they got out of the window and would follow on right behind them.  They were not to look back and must not wait for me.  They were to run as fast as they could to my parents.

As soon as the boys were ready to go, I moved to the other side of the house and made sure that my husband followed me.  I made as if to let him in which naturally drew him right up to door, out of sight of my rock's bedroom window.  I desperately tried to calm my husband down, but once he realised that I was not going to let him in, he started to smash the lounge windows, beside the door.  I knew that I did not have long before he got in, but I had to give my boys enough time to get away.

To this day, I don't know how I managed to get my keys into my hand, but when he was through the window and trying to restrain me with one hand as he hit as he punched me with the other I started to strike out at him with the bunch of keys in my hand.  All I could think of was giving my boys time to get away.  Then I heard my rock calling me!

He had urged his brothers to run to my parents house, but he had remained to wait for me!  I could not believe it.  So I ran, screaming for my rock to keep ahead.  My husband followed behind me, kicking at me and hitting me from behind, no longer trying to restrain me, but rather screaming profanities at me.

I was in such I panic, I don't remember exactly how it happened, but the next thing I knew our local doctor and his brother were restraining my husband, instructing me to "Just go!  Don't look back, don't worry!  When you are safe, call the Police".

So I did!  I ran to my parents house, from where we called the Police.  Fortunately, the complex where my parents lived had a security fence and gates, which we locked.  When my husband finally made it there, the Police had arrived and he was arrested and taken away.

So my boys and I came out the other side, a little bruised, but otherwise okay.  The depression had faded or maybe just been hidden by all the other things going on in my life.  But either way, I felt that I was on the right track. 

Yes, I was lonely.  But maybe I had finally learnt my lesson.  Men were obviously not for me and I plainly suffered from poor judgement.  It didn’t occur to me that I was being drawn to needy men.  It wasn’t the man who attracted me, but rather the need that I sensed within him.  I plodded along, from day to day, determined to keep my heart well hidden.

The walls were high and thick and as time passed I fortified them further and further.  I engrossed myself in the lives of those around me.  My home was often filled with the youngsters from our town.  They were going through all the usual trials and tribulations that came with their age and I could provide them with a mentor and hopefully, a level head.  It's strange how I could always maintain an objective and supportive role in their lives, no matter what they were going through and yet I had absolutely no control over my own inner self.

I managed to keep my own pain and sadness locked deep inside, only taking it out at night to reinforce the knowledge that on my own, I was worthless.  I hid myself behind my sons, my parents and the group of young people who I enjoyed watching over.  I envied there joy in life and felt that if just a little rubbed off on me, then my life would be bearable.  And it was.  I hope that I gave those youngsters enough in return.  I look at them now and am proud to say that I have been a part of their lives and could be there for them when they needed me.

A totally unexpected side affect of my support for them though, was when my second husband started to harass me, phoning me at home and at work, turning up outside my house, following me whenever I went out.  He constantly begged me to take him back, threatening to kill himself if I didn't.  I admit, I was torn, but I also knew that I could not afford to put my children back under his control, no matter how much he supposedly needed me.

One night, when he had followed me to the local bowls club, I admitted to the group of young people what he had been doing.  I was afraid to go home, because I knew that he would stand outside, yelling for me to let him in, trying to break through the security fencing.

The youngsters took control.  They managed to sneak me out of the club through a back door and one of the lads got his older brother to meet me on the road and drive me home.  Once there, they then called the Police.  When my husband arrived, the Police were waiting for him, arrested him again and took him away.

I don't know what the Police said or did to him that night, but I never heard from him again.  The fear did not disappear immediately, but eventually became something that was so much a part of my life that I could live with it.  I can never thank those youngsters enough for the support that they gave me.