Relationships

This was also reflected in my relationships.  I know my insecurities were not plain to be seen, but somehow they affected the way I behaved around other people.  I went through high school with three close friends, funnily enough, all misfits in their own way.  The popular girls shied away from me and the boys just did not seem to be interested in me.  At least not in terms of a long term or serious relationship.

And so came the other effects of what Alex had done to me.

My misconception that linked sex and love took over my life.  I was almost obsessed with the idea of finding true love and boy did I look for it in all the wrong places.  The ‘bad boys’ appealed to me.  And these boys were more than happy to become involved with me.  But only for one reason and only in the short term.

I did not seem to have any problem picking up boys and men, my problem was keeping them.  I moved from one night stand to one night stand.  It frightens me now to think of the risks I took with my life and my health.  AIDS was a newly emerging disease and was not yet fully understood, so it didn’t change my ways.  I knew that if I wanted someone to love me, then I had to let them have sex with me.

I derived absolutely no pleasure from these encounters, though again the actress in me sprang to the fore.  Not one of my many partners realised that my enjoyment was absolutely zero.  Though to be truthful, I think that none of them really cared.  Once they had got what they wanted, they were no longer interested in what I had to offer.  And I set off on my search again.  And I cried.