Changing

The immediate effects of what Alex was doing to me were also far ranging.  I became a very different person.  I became precocious in many ways, whilst my level of self-confidence dropped through the floor.  I learnt to hide my true feelings and insecurities, but more than ever I craved the approval of the people around me.  The more I needed them, the more my friends fell away, until ultimately I became isolated.  Giving even more power to him. 

Somehow my craving to be loved manifested itself in a way that pushed away my friends.  I think maybe I became very needy and this only served to discourage my friends from being in my company.  The smallest slight cut me to the quick and I remember becoming very emotional over silly things. 

Many years later, I learned from my parents that I had been referred to a Psychologist.  I don’t know when or why.  This Psychologist identified that I had been a victim of Sexual Abuse.  Sadly, the finger was pointed at a medical specialist who had been treating me for ear problems and the thought was so obviously impossible, my parents rejected it out of hand.  Not their fault at all, just circumstances, but it did mean that although the affects of what Alex was doing were already beginning to show, they were not fully recognised.

And so the abuse continued unchecked.  Gradually eroding my sense of self worth, my confidence.  Leaving behind just a shell of the Bella that was.  And the fake Bella slowly but surely took over my life.  The one that hid her true self from everyone.