Planning

With everything else that was going on this was the one thing that I did not want to hear.  At no point in the past had I been that angry at Alex.  I finally realised that he had done this to me.  It was all his fault.  What he had done to me had set in motion a chain of events that I was powerless to halt.  My life was a total wreck and there he was, sitting pretty with a wonderful family, his parents still in his life, a successful career, nice home, everything.  And I had nothing!  If this was the way the rest of my life was going to be, what was the point in carrying on? 

The idea of ending my life started to take shape in my mind.  My suffering would be over and the rest of my family would be able to get on with their lives without me to drag them down.  Because that was all I was to them, just a burden.  No-one really cared one way or the other whether I lived or died and they would not be overly upset by my death.  And even if they were, they would get over it soon enough and be able to carry on living happy and successful lives.

So I planned it out carefully.  I went to the doctor and told him I was suffering from severe back pain.  I had suffered with this before and I knew that there was no way he could verify what I said.  I was right and he prescribed a good supply of anti-inflammatory/painkilling tablets.  I stocked up on a large quantity of Diclofenac, Ibuprofen, Co-codamal and Paracetamol.  I then returned to the doctor, this time telling him about not being able to sleep.  This was true, but I had another plan for the tablets.  I looked at suicide websites on the internet to find out what would be sufficient quantities to be successful and doubled it. 

I looked at the calendar and selected a date – 30^th July.  It needed to be a Friday night, because no one would miss me until Sunday lunchtime, at which point it would be too late.  I started drafting up final letters for the people I cared about and of course, one for Alex. 

At work, I tried to get things set up so that someone could step in and take over without too much difficulty.  I cancelled my car insurance, let the tax run out and the MOT too.  I started to tidy up my flat, getting everything into order so that it would be easy to clear. 

I still kept the happy face on.  I did not want to worry anyone.  That was something that was reserved for people who mattered.   And naturally, I didn’t matter.

As the weeks passed things fell into place and I was getting really good at saying all the right things at the right time.  I was proud of the fact that no one suspected anything.  Just how I wanted it.