At school, I started to change. I can’t put my finger on exactly what the change was, but it was noticed. I tried to get help at one stage, by ‘boasting’ to a friend about what was happening between Alex and me. She ran to the teacher and my courage failed me – the fear of reprisals became too much. I denied saying anything and then resorted to twisting my own words to mean something else entirely. Did my teacher suspect what was happening? If he did, he didn’t take any further steps that I know of.
And strangely, I sought out Alex’s company, putting myself more and more under his control. Wanting so much to be loved, I spent more and more time at his house, wishing more and more as time passed that my aunt and uncle were my parents. All of my emotions were mixed up and my loyalties were plainly confused.
My aunt and uncle unwittingly supported his actions. They welcomed me into their home and made me feel part of the family. I watched him and his sister being lavished with love, I watched my aunt and uncle openly show their affection to each other. And I wanted to be a part of that more than anything else in my life. I loved hugs and kisses and they fulfilled this need in me, so I deliberately sought them out.
But at the same time, there was a part of me that knew that what he was doing to me was wrong. Having been raised as a Catholic, I was preparing for my First Holy Communion whilst this was going on. The temptation to confess to my priest was so strong. On one occasion I was walking home after a Catechism lesson and I recall thinking of exactly how to word my confession and contemplated the level of penance that would be required of me. It was when I started to consider the consequences to myself, still mistakenly believing that I was somehow as much to blame as him, that again, the fear of repercussions silenced me.
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