A really important question throughout my life has been ‘Who am I?’ and it is one that I still have not been able to answer. The simpler version of that question is ‘Where do I come from?’.
I was born in Kwekwe, Zimbabwe (known as Que Que, Rhodesia in those days) on 23rd August 1968. My parents named me after a famous dancer of the 40’s and 50’s. Happily, I was born a girl – my father intended to name me Bruno if I was born a boy - thank heaven for small mercies!! Though, being stuck with the moniker I had was certainly no walk in the park either.
My parents already had one child, Luke, who was born in 1960. I never have been entirely sure why there is such a large gap between us, but it didn’t make life easy. I don’t think Luke was too happy about my arrival and from the stories I have been told, as well as experiences later in my life, this has been borne out. Our relationship was troubled, to say the least, dominated to a large extent by jealousy. But more of that later.
I was born to parents who had already been married for nearly ten years, so the marriage was nowhere near that stage where romance is still in the air. I’m not saying that they didn’t love each other though. I learnt much later that the bond between my parents was very strong, in fact much stronger than any of us ever realised.
Unfortunately though, whether it was because the romance was gone, or merely as a result of their beliefs and upbringing, they were not a demonstrative couple. I did not grow up in a home of hugs and kisses, nor was I in any way secure in the love of my parents. There are a lot of things I am not sure about and one of them is whether my parent’s lack of public demonstrations of affection made me a victim, or whether my insecurities were just a result of later experiences.
Please do not think for one second that I blame my parents for what happened to me. I don’t. But over the last few years of my life I have spent hours, days, even weeks mulling over how I ended up as I am now. Did my constant search for love come about because I did not feel loved growing up or was it because of what he did to me? I guess I will probably never know the answer to that question, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering and I doubt it ever will.
I was sad to read your story and sorry to hear you are battling.
ReplyDeleteLife is not always easy and you can't explain or justify the bad things that happen. You just don't want to let bad things to keep repeating themselves so don't be scared anymore and tell your story. Why must you carry the burden yourself and bugger who ever hurt you - if they are family or they love you they will pay the price and come back to you.
My story is I was too focused on work (being a hang over of the days of loosing everything when we left Zim). Also, with my folks divorce I just became too preoccupied with work to try replace what I thought I lost. 12 years ago in Joburg 6 guys broke into our house and really smacked us around. It effected us badly and were all were in therapy for a ages not to mention the baggage and issues you carry and can not seem to loose. My wife was also attacked a few years before that by some guy and she has not been able to fully open up to me about it. I love her so it does not matter. She is strong on the outside yet sometimes fragile on the inside but she is positive and she pushes forward regardless. She certainly has coped with our move to AUS very well.
I'm just mentioning this because the reality is that life is not easy all the time but if you look at it positively (no matter how hard it is at times) it definitely gets easier and you will see the beauty in life and in others.
Oh, I forgot, my wife has found yoga very helpful as it is both therapeutic and a form of exercise. I say write the book! In the end action is the best medicine (i.e. yoga, therapy and the book are a good start). Yoga gives you something positive to focus on.
Hey Belladonna!! And flow of ink begins!! Give it horns!!
ReplyDeleteIt really is a struggle to read some of this - God knows what a struggle it must have been to a) live with it for so long, just tearing away at you from the inside, and b)to finally front up to it and "get it out".
You know me, and where I'll always be, so keep writing and bring out what ever it needs to be brought out; we're all here for you!!
Love,
Curly.