Settling down

We landed in England on 24^th March 2002.  The cold came as something of a shock, considering we had come from a country where winter temperatures rarely dropped into single figures, let alone negatives.  My brother and his wife kindly took us in and we set about trying to start our lives all over again.  Again.

I got the boys into school and found myself a job, working in a local pub.  The work was enjoyable, but not exactly what I was used to.  It was by no means mentally challenging and my mind needed to be busy.  But try as I might, with no references in England, I was finding it hard to find any meaningful work.

The job at the pub did provide me with distraction though.  I got along well with the customers and came to realise that working in this type of position, I could get a sense of achievement.  If I could make someone’s day brighter as I served them, then I was doing something good.  I was still struggling with low self-esteem and more and more frequently became the confident and outgoing Bella.  The public face was now a part of me and the turmoil I was experiencing inside was totally hidden.

The boys and I moved to West Sussex at the end of the year and I started working at a local pub there.  The instability inside me was starting to overflow and I sought help from a local doctor.  His response to me was to take a deep breath and pull myself together.  So I tried.  I still tried to focus on my parents, who needed me.

As my mother deteriorated, my father needed more and more help from me and this kept me going.  My boys were having problems at school, which provided further distraction from my personal issues.  

And I constantly had to face Alex... not the easiest thing to do.  I had to be civil to his face and not allow my pain and anger to show.  If I did, how did I explain it to the rest of the family?  And I couldn’t let the truth come out.  That would hurt my aunt and uncle and that was something I was not willing to do.

I soldiered on, burying myself in my parent’s lives and keeping myself as busy as possible.  I do believe that at this point Alex was avoiding me.  Many a time when he was due to attend a family gathering, he would cry off at the last minute.  Maybe this was for other reasons, but it would be nice to think that he did have a conscience.

The boys and I moved again, to Crowborough in East Sussex and I took up employment as a manager with a local supermarket chain.  One thing I can say with confidence is that I was a brilliant manager.  Not because of any particular work related skill, but because of my ability and willingness to consider the personal well-being of my staff.  Getting involved and helping them out with their personal problems helped me and of course, the upshot was that I had a workforce who was willing to go that extra mile for me.