Fullfillment

As our marriage progressed I had become more and more wrapped up in being there for him and protecting him from other people.  That isn’t to say he was a bad person, but I had convinced myself that he needed me and that gave me some value.  

This has been a recurring theme ever since.  I cannot see any value in my existence, so I justify my existence by helping others.  The same as the work I did for charities.  This was not through any selfless wish to help the needy, but rather to make me feel better.  If I was helping someone else then I had a reason to keep living.

Having the dancing and modeling school also blended neatly into this need.  It combined my love of anything theatrical and provided me with a means to feel like I mattered.  I developed strong bonds with my students and passed on to them the dreams that I'd had when I was there age.

It was also at this time that I started to spend time talking with young girls, trying to guide them towards making smarter choices than I had made, whilst at the same time arming with what they needed to ensure that they would never end up in my situation.

One girl in particular, who proved to be a particularly talented dancer, caught my imagination.  She was everything I had been at her age - happy, confident, full of life and with so much love to give.  In her I got the opportunity to watch how I might have turned out if only Alex had not interfered in my development.  To this day, I hold a very special place in my heart for that young girl, or woman as she is now.  I have since reconnected with her and although we can never be as close as we were, I still look at her life and am thrilled that she has done so well.

When we lived in Botswana I moved completely into the mindset that I was nothing without Ryan and the boys and could not exist if they, and especially he didn’t need me anymore.  I could not see that what I was doing was in fact not good for either of us.